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Original poster

Paying Grandparents for part time childcare

59 replies

104c · 31/12/2022 17:26

So, hypothetical question here as we aren't pregnant just preparing to TTC this coming year.

My mum has said a few times that she would give up work once she had her first grandchild (I'm an only child) to care for them about 3 days a week. She's in a well paid job she gets paid by the day but doesn't usually get work every day its random when she gets called (like bank nurses). She HATES working and always has, the field she works in is getting harder and harder to work in, and she wants out in the next few years before the stress makes her ill.

I couldn't afford to pay her 3 days a week of her usual wages (like 150-180 per day) as that's more than i get paid per week but couldn't afford nursery either. So me and DH would do compressed hours to get a day off each and DM would do the other 3 days which is what we have discussed so far. We wouldn't be considering TTC if my DM hadn't made this offer as we know it wouldn't be responsible as we couldn't afford it, so her doing this is making us having children actually possible. We would take a full year shared parental leave so DM would start caring when DC was 1.

What do you think is fair to pay a grandparent who cares for a grandchild 3 days a week and is voluntarily giving up a job to do so? My dad pays enough to cover their living expenses so what she earns is just fun money.

I was thinking when the time came to pay for all her petrol for the month so she can take DC anywhere she likes without being out of pocket and then cover all her own travel too, to do about £200 on supermarket reloadable card a month for the shop near her house (mostly for her own shopping but also just in case she ran out of something small for DC). Then maybe £100 cash for herself too? And then I'd cover things like soft play or baby groups she took DC to. We would provide all food and nappies etc and if DM came to care in our home (she said she'd do a mix of both ours and hers) we'd feed her too obvs.

What do you think is fair? Am I being a CF or planning on paying too little? I Darent TTC until I can definitely afford to pay for everything as finances stress me too much.

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Original poster
104c · 31/12/2022 19:20

Also, we have discussed this and would only have 1 child at least until the other is in nursery 3 days a week on the 30 hours, or is at school, or we could afford to fund independently (I'm currently on a career growth path so in 5 years could be earning double what I am now)

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Original poster
104c · 31/12/2022 19:18

Whinge · 31/12/2022 18:56

DMs current job is working with young children and those with SEN

So she works with young children and those with SEN but also the field she works in is getting harder and harder to work in, and she wants out in the next few years before the stress makes her ill.

What happens if your child has additional needs, or she finds the 1-1 care of a young child stressful? Even if she works with young children there may still be an element of rose tinted glasses with how much nicer lookinger a grandchild will be.

It may all work out wonderfully and there are no problems, but these situations have the potential to cause resentment and arguments, especially as it's going to be several years, and possibly more than one grandchild.

She loves the actual working with kids part and it's what she wants to do, it's the beaurocracy, things not being done properly by management, staff shortages and therefore leaving staff vulnerable or ill equipped (yes this has all been reported), bullying management, the never ending list of expectations from authorities when all the funding is being cut, etc etc .

OP posts:
redskydelight · 31/12/2022 19:01

If you and DH are working compressed hours, that would presumably be much longer hours than her normal job?

I would be really cautious about this arrangement. At minimum, do not yet your mum give up her job until you've proven that looking after a DC all day for 3 days a week isn't too much for her. And remember that toddlers are generally harder than newborns.

I'd be very worried that you are saying you can't otherwise afford childcare. It puts huge pressure on the arrangement to work. Again, as minimum, try to save what you can before you have the baby so you have something to fall back onto.

NerrSnerr · 31/12/2022 18:59

I would talk to her now about money etc so you're on the same page.

You do need a plan b though, anything could happen in the next couple of years- your mum being healthy, willing and able to do childcare could change at any moment.

Whinge · 31/12/2022 18:56

DMs current job is working with young children and those with SEN

So she works with young children and those with SEN but also the field she works in is getting harder and harder to work in, and she wants out in the next few years before the stress makes her ill.

What happens if your child has additional needs, or she finds the 1-1 care of a young child stressful? Even if she works with young children there may still be an element of rose tinted glasses with how much nicer lookinger a grandchild will be.

It may all work out wonderfully and there are no problems, but these situations have the potential to cause resentment and arguments, especially as it's going to be several years, and possibly more than one grandchild.

LIZS · 31/12/2022 18:56

Are things already tight financially? Is saving ahead of ttc possible to have a buffer for first few years?

LIZS · 31/12/2022 18:54

Don't rely on it, circumstances could change. You could find more affordable care with a child-minder than nursery or dm day rate. You may find compressed hours too much.

Judgyjudgy · 31/12/2022 18:50

I would have a back up plan incase it doesn't work out. I wonder suggest the going rate of a similar situation so similar to a nanny

LoveAHolidayOrTwo · 31/12/2022 18:49

Would she be willing to do your childcare if you have more than one DC?

Original poster
104c · 31/12/2022 18:46

DMs current job is working with young children and those with SEN so I'd say she's pretty well equipped and knows what she's offering - no rose tinted glasses here she has always been upfront how hard it is but she would rather do it for her own GC.

She knows she would be offering until they go to school. She's early fifties, in good health generally and always hated smacking etc - I will raise my kids very similar to how she raised me (I was smacked as a child and so was she, but both by our dad's, and she disagrees with it completely). In terms of weaning and stuff she'd be taking DC once they were 1 so they can have cows milk and solids and whatnot by that age anyway. I find it unlikely we would run into issues there as she's always been good with child development, allergies etc as I had allergies as a child. She would be fine looking after an ill child , as she has an immune system of steel from working with kids her whole life and doesn't get ill but I'd never ask her to anyway. If her or DC was ill I'd take emergency parental leave (my job is pretty flexible and I wfh anyways). If she was ill long term, I'd of course put DC in a nursery or childminders but I'd take an evening job waiting tables or something while DH is home to pay for it. (I'm not in a career where I could just quit and then come back in a few years very easily so quitting my day job wouldn't work).

She has all the NI credits she needs for full state pension so isn't bothered about that, and owns other investments that pay out to her and will be her "pension" without going into details that would ID me. As I say she knows what she's offering and this has been her plan for a long time.

There's no other areas we can cut back on, we have already cut back everywhere to grow our savings pot for this stage of our lives and we live in the cheapest house in the cheapest (but safe) area.

OP posts:
Oldnproud · 31/12/2022 18:42

PeekAtYou · 31/12/2022 18:28

Also how is your mum's health? Would she look after a child who might be contagious with something like d&v or chicken pox?

Is a nursery or professional childminder going to do look after a contagious child?🤔

Lovelydovey · 31/12/2022 18:34

Don’t forget that grandparents can claim NI credits if they are providing childcare. DM looked after mine 3 days a week around school while I worked and this meant that she managed to top her NI contributions up to the maximum accounting for several years she had previously missed. It made a substantial difference to her state pension - although she only managed to claim that for less than a year before she passed away.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-insurance-credits-for-adults-who-care-for-a-child-under-12-fact-sheet/specified-adult-childcare-credits-fact-sheet

SasaFierce · 31/12/2022 18:30

I had a very similar conversation with my MIL before having DS1 She was very keen to childmind but quite insulted that we wanted to pay her, she said it was a privilege and that she was flattered that we had asked her.
She did 4 days for us even when we had our 2nd. We didn’t pay her as such but would treat her and her friend to a holiday, filled her car with fuel, bought her supermarket shop and would go overboard at Christmas and birthdays with luxuries that she wouldn’t buy herself.
It worked really well for us and our boys have a really strong bond with her even now they are adults..
Good luck OP, I hope it all works out for you.

PeekAtYou · 31/12/2022 18:28

Also how is your mum's health? Would she look after a child who might be contagious with something like d&v or chicken pox?

PeekAtYou · 31/12/2022 18:27

I've read threads on here where the grandparent changed their mind because they found it hard and had been looking at things with rose tinted glasses or expected to be able to look after their grandchild around their social life so booking random holidays or expecting to be able to cancel last minute and change their day with grandchild.

Are you definite that the offer is no strings attached and she understands that you are asking her to keep those days until the child goes to school ? Has your mum looked after a toddler recently ? Does she agree with you on parenting specifics like not smacking or weaning until 6 months ? This often ends up a major sticking point because some nans will bring up their grandchild like their child and be offended when asked to do things differently.

sunlight81 · 31/12/2022 18:20

What happens when ur mum is sick, goes on holiday, the kids are sick, her own health deteriorates?

I found fam looking after the kids wasn't feasible. I have a professional job and need reliable child care. No can't be beholden to fam as to when I take my annual leave.

Get a professional device and suggest she helps at weekends to help u relax and do

BowiesJumper · 31/12/2022 17:57

How old is she? Consider what happens when (if) you want child number 2 as well.

my parents looked after my eldest for 2 days a week but then soon requested to cut that back to 1 day a week (the rest of the time he was in nursery).

Oldnproud · 31/12/2022 17:57

I suggest that you have a "hypothetical" conversation about this with your DM now, to get an idea what she has in mind, given that her own plans, with no prompting from you, are to give up work and help look after her first grandchild. I think it's extremely unlikely that she sees this hypothetical scenario as a way of providing an alternative income.

Just ask her outright, pointing out that you couldn't possibly pay her enough to replace her lost income, and take it from there.
You might find that she doesn't actually envisage being paid at all, or that she would be very happy to be paid enough to cover all the related expenses. Whatever her reply, it would be a great starting point for you to work from.

Because this scenario is all in the future, rather than imminent, I would have thought that it would be quite an easy and relaxed conversation to have now.

BTW, speaking as a GP, I think that what you are thinking at the moment is extremely (ie. overly) generous, but it does depend on what financial situation your DM will be in if she gives up her current job, and that will depend on things such as whether she will then have other income such as a private pension, or has a partner who will be happy to support her .

Just have that conversation soon Smile

ItsBritneyBitch45 · 31/12/2022 17:56

We wouldn't be considering TTC if my DM hadn't made this offer as we know it wouldn't be responsible as we couldn't afford it,

So what happens if six months in your mum says, ‘I’m really sorry but I can’t do this anymore because of X reason,’ what happens then? It’s great that she’s willing to help out but I think you need to have some sort of solid back up plan

rainbowandglitter · 31/12/2022 17:56

I'm not a fan of using grandparents for childcare. It feels even more uncomfortable for me here as if the arrangement doesn't work out then you have no plan b to fall back on (as you cant afford childcare) so the pressure is all on your mum to keep up the arrangement even if its not working for either party.

cptartapp · 31/12/2022 17:52

I wouldn't. Paid or not.
You won't think about it now but you'll be so beholden as she ages. SIL has found that out to her cost. And there's no special GP relationship. Quite the opposite as the DC have become teens.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 31/12/2022 17:49

If you can’t afford to pay nursery with tax free childcare then you cannot afford to pay her 20% below the going rate.

you need to come up with a figure you can afford, and then see whether you think it’s reasonable.

Whinge · 31/12/2022 17:48

*Grandchild

Ah if only there was an edit button

Whinge · 31/12/2022 17:45

She's been saying it for years and I also want to help her get out of the job she hates.

Saying she will look after grand or grandchildren (you could have multiples) and actually doing it are 2 very different things. Looking after young children is exhausting, and the reality may be very different from what she imagined. If she hates her job why hasn't she tried to find something else?

If you can't afford children without her help then you need to look at changing your job, housing, outgoings etc because having a child and relying on her is a huge risk and one that could ruin your relationship.

Ponderingwindow · 31/12/2022 17:45

I wouldn’t pay less than the minimum wage. Covering expenses like petrol, food, and activities has to be on top of that.

so you are massively under budgeting for child care. You also need to prepare for the fact that even if she agrees to your proposed rates, she might become unavailable for any number of reasons. You need to be prepared to pay the prevailing rates for child care in your area at a moments notice.