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Original poster

Paying all the childcare - really upset

37 replies

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 31/12/2022 14:42

Recently separated from partner and "co-parenting" he has DS 3 nights and me 4 nights. He pays £130 child maintenance and that's it, he has said maybe in a few months he could look to pay more but can't now. However I pay £800+ a month childcare and apart from child benefit am not entitled to anything it just seems so unfair over the next year I have to pay £9600 and ex pays £1560 then there's everything on top of that I'll have to foot the bill for I'm just really saddened at why should it land with me to pay we are both responsible 50/50 so why when it comes to finances is this not the case. I'm not entitled to any other benefits and I'm just feel so down about this whole situation. I'm also driving DS to and from mine to ex partners when I do the drop off which is 1 hour 30 round trip because he has no car ! Please can you share how this works for you and your ex partners!? I need some hope.

OP posts:
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HirplesWithHaggis · 01/01/2023 15:17

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/01/2023 08:24

As others said uou stop paying for childcare on the days your child isn't with you

It's not even local to you

And you drive him there and back

Why did ex move so far away when he can't even organise travel or childcare for his son

Ex didn't move away. They were all living in his place, op moved back to former address when they split.

Wibbly1008 · 01/01/2023 08:27

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 31/12/2022 15:04

He has him Sunday to Wednesday and he's in full time childcare. I've put it to him and he said he's trying to get money together in a couple of months but in the meantime I'm footing the bill it just happened like that! I have moved back to my house out of his house, the 130 he pays is what it says when you do it through the CMA website. It's just upsetting that all these things fall automatically to the mum like sorting all appointments all arrangements and he literally just gets to pick him up and have a lovely time.

No. Only pay for your childcare days, not his- Monday and Tuesday are his days so he pays end off. And stop the drop off, he is responsible for doing his collecting duty for his child. If he can’t handle that he becomes weekend dad. You’ll need to be clear you can’t afford this with cost of living crisis, as this guy is taking the pee.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/01/2023 08:24

As others said uou stop paying for childcare on the days your child isn't with you

It's not even local to you

And you drive him there and back

Why did ex move so far away when he can't even organise travel or childcare for his son

Ponderingwindow · 01/01/2023 03:13

He should be responsible for everything for 24 hours for each of his nights. It would probably trigger off the drop-off time on Sunday and go for 3x24 until you take over responsibility on Wednesday. That means everything during his parenting time. He buys clothing, food, child care. You don’t have to provide anything, though your child will appreciate you sending some beloved items back and forth. There are also some things children really only need one copy of like winter coats, but that doesn’t mean you have to be the person who buys all of those items .

StarCourt · 01/01/2023 03:10

@hasitreallybeenthatlong if you earn too much to be able to claim UC cant your XH claim it He will then be able to pay his childcare days as they will also contribute up to 80% of his childcare. Then the amount you pay is reduced

Unicorn2022 · 01/01/2023 02:56

I can't believe you have been paying childcare for his days at a different nursery! That's a big saving right there. Also make sure you are getting your tax free childcare if you are eligible.

blebbleb · 31/12/2022 18:13

He needs to start paying childcare on his days, it's his problem not yours. Also it's his job to collect him. Lazy, selfish git!

gogohmm · 31/12/2022 16:51

He should be paying for the Monday and Tuesday. Write to him and the nursery if it's in your name informing him that from Tuesday he is fully responsible for his days, you will pick up the Wednesday as you have the 4/7 contact. The whole point of the maintenance being different for more nights with his dad is because he picks up the expenses for those days!

PeekAtYou · 31/12/2022 16:02

You need to be more like him.
He should pay £130 CM plus childcare on Monday and Tuesday.
You pay childcare on Thursday and Friday. Wednesday is a bit more complicated because you could argue it both ways but if he's attending a nursery near ex and you collect from that nursery then I say he pays because hand over time is 5pm or whatever time you pick him up.
You should also tell him that you want half of the petrol money if he wants the child dropped off and collected. Or he needs to do one leg of the journey. As he doesn't drive, he may want to meet half way at a place that he can get to.

MajorCarolDanvers · 31/12/2022 15:59

He needs to pay His own childcare and you need to stop the driving.

Childcare is not your responsibility when your child is with dad. He can pay for childcare, go part time, use a GP but none of it is your responsibility.

dontpickupthemob · 31/12/2022 15:54

Definitely give your ex notice that you won't be paying nursery fees on the days your son is in the nursery near him. You should of never been here paying in the first place.

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2022 15:53

Well that makes it very easy OP! Give notice to the nursery near his house.

Hairyfairy01 · 31/12/2022 15:52

Stop paying his (ex's) nursery fees, stop doing the drop offs and pick ups (public transport, his family / friends?) If he can't afford to provide for the 4/3 split you are doing you need to do eow or something, with an increase in his child maintenance. How were you both thinking this was going to work in a few years? You need to be careful that he doesn't end up in a school near to him if your son is there for '3 school days'.

Original poster
hasitreallybeenthatlong · 31/12/2022 15:45

dontpickupthemob · 31/12/2022 15:34

Like a PP is your son in 2 separate nurseries due to the distance?

Yes he's in 2 separate nurseries, local to where we each are. I know you are all right I think just be in the mindset I don't have to do anything more than I do is what I need to get into.

OP posts:
Ibouncetothebeat · 31/12/2022 15:43

Yep! Give both him and the nursery notice your child will only be attending Wednesday to Friday and he can arranged childcare for the rest.

dontpickupthemob · 31/12/2022 15:34

Like a PP is your son in 2 separate nurseries due to the distance?

Blowthemandown · 31/12/2022 15:28

@hasitreallybeenthatlong don’t enable him. As others have said, separate contracts for childcare. If he wants childcare bear him he organises. You start new contract near you. Don’t drop off ‘and’ pick up. Just do the pick up etc. He is responsible for childcare on his days.

Tiani4 · 31/12/2022 15:23

He pays for childcare etc in his days

You don't

HirplesWithHaggis · 31/12/2022 15:20

Is the child in two separate nurseries?

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2022 15:20

If ex is unable to pick up and drop off child then how does he take the child to the nursery? Is it near where he lives?

Lennybenny · 31/12/2022 15:18

Cancel Mon, Tues and weds and then he will have to figure it out. 2 separate contracts. You pay yours and he pays his. Don't tell him, just get the bills sent to both of you individually.

How does he get dc there if you live 1 1/2hrs away from him? Stop dropping off and picking up and pay for childcare as you'll have dc or take him to cms and do the cs properly.

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2022 15:16

Cancel the nursery place for those days and he will have to arrange and pay for his own childcare.

As for the dropping off, refuse to do it. Do they not have public transport like Ubers where you live?

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 15:16

If he can't organise 50 /50 then he doesn't have dc 50/50. Suggest eow and claim Cms for you being the main parent.

twoundertwohowscary · 31/12/2022 15:12

I'd cancel nursery mon-wed x

Ibouncetothebeat · 31/12/2022 15:12

Stop drop offs a pick ups. Double check what you are entitled to. The threshold for childcare is quite high. I would possibly even change the arrangement. I wouldn’t agree to 50/50 on the basis that he does every weekend. That’s not fair, where do you get to spend quality time with your child.