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Original poster

Partner doesn’t help with childcare

184 replies

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:07

I wake up every morning early and attend to both children, toddler and newborn. Bathe, dress, change, feed, whilst my partner has a lie in. Once we’re all sorted and downstairs, he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed. He then puts the TV on upstairs and stays in bed for a couple of hours watching TV whilst I am attending to the kids downstairs. He never baths kids, changes clothes, barely changes nappies, feeds etc. never does a night feed. His excuse is that he is working whilst I’m on maternity leave. He works evenings (5pm until 10pm). But to be honest I don’t see this changing when I return to work because it was very similar when I just had our toddler. He is the father of both children.
furthermore, I pay for my toddlers childcare whilst he goes to nursery. He’s been going to nursery since I was working and I didn’t wanna disrupt his routine so continued to pay for his nursery whilst I am on leave. Partner doesn’t contribute to nursery fees because he has a car finance which is quite expensive and my car is paid off so that is his reason to not contribute a single penny towards nursery.
Is this pretty standard in most households or am I being unreasonable to think he should be pulling his weight a little more?

OP posts:
magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:43

You won’t leave him over night. It takes a while to learn things and find your strength as it’s not easy to LTB when you have no support network. You don’t even have to divorce him yet, just find your strength and tell him you’ll call the police if he tries anything. Start throwing your weight around, get angry shout back at him, what will he do, hit you? Then you call the police. Your parents should have your back but they don’t so the onus is on you.

women’s aid
southall black sisters are organisations worth talking to

if you’re Muslim there are organisations there too but the above is all you need really and the police.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:38

Sorry I have just read the bit about him getting angry. Well that is abusive behaviour. Obviously in our culture there is no such thing as abusive behaviour but please know this is domestic abuse. Whose name is the house in? Is he from back home? Is the marriage registered? I would honestly throw him out, I know very traditionally girls who have married men from back home and have had enough and thrown them out, their parents have accepted it but not without scaring them first. You need to be a good role model to your kids unlike your own parents.

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:34

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:31

Don’t you have friends outside of the community to offer different perspectives? How integrated are you? I am born here so for me it was easy to demand respect from my partner, that doesn’t mean in the U.K. this shit doesn’t happen of course it does to white British women but that’s not socially acceptable nowadays but in ours communities it is that’s the big difference.

like I said women put up with this because of cultural conditioning, being coerced by family to put up with bad behaviour from men and fear of divorce so let the shit men get a way with it. The moment women fear divorce then the man can use and abuse all he likes. But once you lose the fear you realise you live in a free country where you can command respect from men. You don’t need to do what the community expect you to do, there is no law telling you you must.

Yes I have non-Muslim and non-Asian friends who think it’s absurd that I choose to put up with this also. I guess I need to fight the cultural pressures and expectations. Because right about now I have no support to leave this situation and I cannot confront him either because he just goes apeshit every time I try to discuss these matters with him.

OP posts:
magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:33

Yes I know op i know exactly how it works as I’m from this same culture but like I said if you’re not willing to make a change you’ll have to accept you’ll be his doormat for life. The women that challenge this are not looked upon favourably but why do you care? Are your parents paying your bills? Start taking control of your life. I know it’s not easy but unless you teach these type of men a lesson they will carry on thinking this is ok!

thenewduchessoflapland · 18/12/2022 19:32

Wow!

He works 25 hours a week;does absolutely nothing and you're literally waiting on him hand and foot?

Are you serious?

What have I just read?

This needs to stop immediately;he is taking the absolute piss out of you.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:31

Don’t you have friends outside of the community to offer different perspectives? How integrated are you? I am born here so for me it was easy to demand respect from my partner, that doesn’t mean in the U.K. this shit doesn’t happen of course it does to white British women but that’s not socially acceptable nowadays but in ours communities it is that’s the big difference.

like I said women put up with this because of cultural conditioning, being coerced by family to put up with bad behaviour from men and fear of divorce so let the shit men get a way with it. The moment women fear divorce then the man can use and abuse all he likes. But once you lose the fear you realise you live in a free country where you can command respect from men. You don’t need to do what the community expect you to do, there is no law telling you you must.

RedHelenB · 18/12/2022 19:29

Well then you're stuck with it. But it's not the normal expectation of a relationship in the UK.

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:26

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:22

what do you actually seen in this man? He doesn’t seem to bring anything to the table here? Doesn’t even have a proper job.

That’s how I feel sometimes. But in my culture and the people I am surrounded by, even considering leaving would be a shame on the community and on my family. I would be seen as an embarrassment because I have children with this man therefore this is the man I am destined to marry and live with forever now that I have children involved. My family just wouldn’t accept me even thinking about leaving

OP posts:
magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:25

Yes I’m south Asian too and this doesn’t happen in our house because my husband is educated and brought up over here, has a ‘very important job’ but still knows what’s what. Before we married he knew my expectations and I am not one to look good in front of the community as do many women so they just toe the line. You don’t have to do that but many do as they want to look ‘respectable’. Honestly When I read your post I thought this could only be a south Asian woman putting up with this.

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:24

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2022 19:23

What is your housing situation?

We are privately renting and pay half towards the rent

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 18/12/2022 19:23

And now I’m being extra careful

How can you even bear to have sex with him ?

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2022 19:23

What is your housing situation?

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 19:23

Omg if you can’t see you need to leave him no one can help you

RoseslnTheHospital · 18/12/2022 19:22

What you're describing sounds more like you're being held hostage than in a relationship, I'm sad to say.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:22

what do you actually seen in this man? He doesn’t seem to bring anything to the table here? Doesn’t even have a proper job.

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:21

Oh my god. I’m not going mad after all. I’m from a south Asian background and most women in my community serve their husband so anyone I spoke to including my mother tells me to shut up and put up as they all do the same. Thank god I’m not alone in my thinking. I don’t know what to do now, because when I try to talk to him about how I feel, he gets very angry… he tends to punch walls or break things when he loses his temper. And I know him well enough by now to know that he will definitely get angry if I tell him he needs to pull his weight more, so I try not to discuss anything that would be controversial..

OP posts:
Reugny · 18/12/2022 19:20

Emm no you can't make him breakfast in bed or any breakfast because you are looking after his two small children.

In fact ensure the breakfast he eats isn't in so he has to go and buy it first.

And no you can't go to the shop for him as you don't have time to do any shopping until later in the day if at all.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 19:19

Something tells me you must be extremely socially isolated to ask the question if this is normal or not. Do you have family or friends, do you discuss with them? What do they say? Sometimes it could be a cultural expectation that women behave like maids for the Dh but it still doesn’t make it okay. If you’re not willing to make any changes then you just have to put up and shut up as the only reason this is happening is because you are allowing it.

RoseslnTheHospital · 18/12/2022 19:16

Please stop taking him breakfast in bed. He texts you! Demanding breakfast! Wtf is wrong with him that he can't get his own breakfast??

Honestly, you are not his domestic servant. You are supposed to be an equal partner.

GrumpyPanda · 18/12/2022 19:16

I would dump cold water all over this arsehole rather than serve his highness breakfast in bed. Can't believe you haven't challenged him. Definitely stop doing ANYTHING for him unless he gets his act together and starts actually parenting.

CaptainMum · 18/12/2022 19:16

Are you joking? This is not normal. This is far from normal, but you seem mostly okay with it. Bizarre.

Shadesofscarlett · 18/12/2022 19:16

a father does not help with childcare - he parents. Shared job surely? Also shared finances?

You are being taken for a complete and utter mug while he lies there like a sultan while you do his bidding. You are not beneath him - stop behaving like you think you are.

Fairislefandango · 18/12/2022 19:16

No of course it's not normal. He's a lazy twat and a useless father and he's taking you for an absolute mug!

cestlavielife · 18/12/2022 19:16

he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed

And you text him to order what ??
Are you his maid?
Do you a hotel with room service?

Stop responding to his texts when you in same house
He gers out if bed to talk to you /make his food

unless you are going to say he is disabled and needs support to be hoisted out of bed....

Ilovethewild · 18/12/2022 19:16

Op, this it not about something being wrong, but about the complete disrespect towards you and your children.

you are not in a relationship- you are his Mum surely. You have 3 children and one is too old so should know better.

how were things pre children? Did you do things together? Share cooking? Cleaning etc?

you need to decide if this is what you want in life? How is he being a parent? What are your children learning about being a parent, how to treat women/partners?