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Original poster

Partner doesn’t help with childcare

184 replies

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:07

I wake up every morning early and attend to both children, toddler and newborn. Bathe, dress, change, feed, whilst my partner has a lie in. Once we’re all sorted and downstairs, he will send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed. He then puts the TV on upstairs and stays in bed for a couple of hours watching TV whilst I am attending to the kids downstairs. He never baths kids, changes clothes, barely changes nappies, feeds etc. never does a night feed. His excuse is that he is working whilst I’m on maternity leave. He works evenings (5pm until 10pm). But to be honest I don’t see this changing when I return to work because it was very similar when I just had our toddler. He is the father of both children.
furthermore, I pay for my toddlers childcare whilst he goes to nursery. He’s been going to nursery since I was working and I didn’t wanna disrupt his routine so continued to pay for his nursery whilst I am on leave. Partner doesn’t contribute to nursery fees because he has a car finance which is quite expensive and my car is paid off so that is his reason to not contribute a single penny towards nursery.
Is this pretty standard in most households or am I being unreasonable to think he should be pulling his weight a little more?

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 18/12/2022 20:43

There doesn't seem to be any point to him at all.

I think you will need support to be able to give serious thought to leaving. Can you reach out to women's aid? They won't force you to do anything immediately (or at all) but can provide you with support and information about your options.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 20:35

Feel free to PM me OP.

magma32 · 18/12/2022 20:34

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 20:15

Unfortunately I don’t feel I have the capability to leave him, even though I do consider it. I’d be too embarrassed as a single mother is frowned upon massively in our community. I guess I came on here for that reassurance that im not going mad and this isn’t normal. Even though my friends have already told me that. I would be happy to hear from someone in a similar situation who has found a positive way out of it

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sure I understand but you really need to stop caring about what they say. Do you think other single mothers should be embarrassed? So why should you feel embarrassed. You can move away if you don’t want the backlash. It’s your family and community that should be embarrassed for being complicit in this. But anyway you can start by doing fuck all for him. No laundry, cooking, certainly no breakfast in bed, start building your savings as you will probably feel different later on. Don’t contribute to anything that concerns him, so only buy food for yourself and your kids etc. don’t sleep with him, you need to check out completely. Are you willing to do that?

pelargoniums · 18/12/2022 20:33

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:11

Yes I do take him breakfast in bed every morning, it has become part of my routine now…. But I’m starting to think, is this normal ?

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It’s not normal. Nothing about this is. He’s done an absolute number on you to make you think any of this is OK or that all that needs to change is he pulls his weight a bit more.

EyeCand · 18/12/2022 20:30

How about you stop making him breakfast, tell him your busy looking after the kids, he can make himself breakfast.

MerryChristmasToYou · 18/12/2022 20:29

That will teach me to read the OP's posts first.

You are married to a lazy, misogynistic, abusive wanker.
LTB

MerryChristmasToYou · 18/12/2022 20:26

Not RTFT.
Partner doesn’t help with childcare
He shouldn't be 'helping', he should be doing his share.

jannier · 18/12/2022 20:24

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:26

That’s how I feel sometimes. But in my culture and the people I am surrounded by, even considering leaving would be a shame on the community and on my family. I would be seen as an embarrassment because I have children with this man therefore this is the man I am destined to marry and live with forever now that I have children involved. My family just wouldn’t accept me even thinking about leaving

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Would they say this if he is abusing you? Because the screaming, hitting and punching walls is a form of threat, coercing you to do his bidding....and illegal

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2022 20:23

In that case op, I'd be tempted to totally break free from your entire community. Move far far away with your children and start again. We have one life.

jannier · 18/12/2022 20:22

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:21

Oh my god. I’m not going mad after all. I’m from a south Asian background and most women in my community serve their husband so anyone I spoke to including my mother tells me to shut up and put up as they all do the same. Thank god I’m not alone in my thinking. I don’t know what to do now, because when I try to talk to him about how I feel, he gets very angry… he tends to punch walls or break things when he loses his temper. And I know him well enough by now to know that he will definitely get angry if I tell him he needs to pull his weight more, so I try not to discuss anything that would be controversial..

Wow he scared you into shutting up.....it's not acceptable and he's a lazy arse. 5 hours a day is part time anyway how are you affording your bills?
I guess it depends on your feelings about tradition and how your community will react/your ability to stand against it but what do you want for your children and yourself? Isn't it expected that he will at least pull his weight income wise ....he can't have it both ways as in you support him financially and wait on like a skivy.

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 20:16

MajorCarolDanvers · 18/12/2022 20:11

Not parenting his children

Breakfast in bed ordered by text message - unbelievable

What does this caveman bring to the relationship?

When I think about it I don’t actually know what he brings to the table at all..

OP posts:
Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 20:15

magma32 · 18/12/2022 20:10

I think those of you saying it’s not normal in your families I’m sure you would agree forced marriages, coercive marriages, patriarchy, honour based violence is more specific to some cultures than others and it’s clear op is part of it as her family are complicit in her abuse. So let’s try to understand what she’s up against. In wider British society this is not ok but in her community it definitely is the norm which is why she’s been getting on with it as she’s being told to do so from everyone around her.

op you have come on here asking if this is normal but your friends have already told you it isn’t. I’m not sure what you’re looking for beyond this, what are your next steps? Do you see yourself standing up to him? Eventually leaving him? Like mentioned above, there are organisations that can help even if your family/community won’t.

Unfortunately I don’t feel I have the capability to leave him, even though I do consider it. I’d be too embarrassed as a single mother is frowned upon massively in our community. I guess I came on here for that reassurance that im not going mad and this isn’t normal. Even though my friends have already told me that. I would be happy to hear from someone in a similar situation who has found a positive way out of it

OP posts:
QueenBeex · 18/12/2022 20:12

5hrs a day and gets breakfast in bed. How wonderful his life must be.

MajorCarolDanvers · 18/12/2022 20:11

Not parenting his children

Breakfast in bed ordered by text message - unbelievable

What does this caveman bring to the relationship?

magma32 · 18/12/2022 20:10

I think those of you saying it’s not normal in your families I’m sure you would agree forced marriages, coercive marriages, patriarchy, honour based violence is more specific to some cultures than others and it’s clear op is part of it as her family are complicit in her abuse. So let’s try to understand what she’s up against. In wider British society this is not ok but in her community it definitely is the norm which is why she’s been getting on with it as she’s being told to do so from everyone around her.

op you have come on here asking if this is normal but your friends have already told you it isn’t. I’m not sure what you’re looking for beyond this, what are your next steps? Do you see yourself standing up to him? Eventually leaving him? Like mentioned above, there are organisations that can help even if your family/community won’t.

Hatscats · 18/12/2022 20:06

Wtf - breakfast in bed?!
I’d be out of there unless things change big time.

Rinatinabina · 18/12/2022 20:01

Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:21

Oh my god. I’m not going mad after all. I’m from a south Asian background and most women in my community serve their husband so anyone I spoke to including my mother tells me to shut up and put up as they all do the same. Thank god I’m not alone in my thinking. I don’t know what to do now, because when I try to talk to him about how I feel, he gets very angry… he tends to punch walls or break things when he loses his temper. And I know him well enough by now to know that he will definitely get angry if I tell him he needs to pull his weight more, so I try not to discuss anything that would be controversial..

I’m from a south asian background, this is not normal amongst my family. DH has never in over ten years asked me to make him breakfast, he makes DD breakfast though. Your husband is an abusive lazy piece of shit.

GrumpyPanda · 18/12/2022 19:59

Punching and breaking things is abusive. You should be posting in Relationships not Childcare- the posters there are very experienced with this sort of situation and will have lots of advice. Maybe ask MN to move the thread by reporting it. Good luck OP, we're all rooting for you.

Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:59

EyeCand · 18/12/2022 19:48

I'm from a south Asian background

I'm currently on maternity leave
My husband wakes every morning and makes packed lunches for our eldest before taking them to school before he goes to work
He also helps with dinner when he's back, washes up before bed
He does nappies, baths, you name it, he does it.

It's nothing to do with 'culture'

Your husband is an abusive man and your family sound deranged too!

That sounds like a dream. I do the nursery runs for our child. He is never up by 8am to do it. And yeah, family are very unsupportive. I’ve been told to shut up and put up and not say a word. Surprisingly whenever I tell my parents that we’ve argued, they always blame me for speaking up and say I shouldn’t speak up or “provoke” him. By provoke I mean confront him about his laziness. So I’m stuck with it

OP posts:
Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:55

getoutof · 18/12/2022 19:54

Are they his children? This sounds absolutely terrible and you really need to ask if this is normal?

Yes they are his children. He was a bit more hands on with the first but since the second he’s just stopped doing anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Aly321 · 18/12/2022 19:54

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2022 19:52

Are you married?

We had a Muslim ceremony in a mosque called a Nikkah so we can live together. However it is not recognised as a legal UK marriage.

OP posts:
getoutof · 18/12/2022 19:54

Are they his children? This sounds absolutely terrible and you really need to ask if this is normal?

toomuchlaundry · 18/12/2022 19:52

Are you married?

EyeCand · 18/12/2022 19:48

I'm from a south Asian background

I'm currently on maternity leave
My husband wakes every morning and makes packed lunches for our eldest before taking them to school before he goes to work
He also helps with dinner when he's back, washes up before bed
He does nappies, baths, you name it, he does it.

It's nothing to do with 'culture'

Your husband is an abusive man and your family sound deranged too!

SuperFly123 · 18/12/2022 19:47

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I despair.