Partner doesn’t help with childcare

OP, I realise that there are a lot of cultural expectations here, but this is absolutely for the best. What happens when your kids are teenagers and pushing boundaries? How is your DH going to respond? Keep them safe. And yourself too. You are not a slave. You are a role model for how your kids will view relationships in the future. So show them someone who deserves to be treated with respect and care. Also... he is expecting you to beg him to come back, so when he does (and he absolutely will, the lazy git) you won’t dare complain again. Call his bluff. Stand tall. You can do this.

Now is the time to call one of your supportive real life friends. Check what benefits you might be entitled to. Once you sort the finances you will be fine. It is a shock but he brings nothing to the table and creates work for you.

This is a good thing. You will realise it in a year or so.

Is this for real?

Ditch him. You’d be better off single by a mile. Waste of air he is.

Fucking hell, how is that life?!

I can’t speak too much because my ex practically lives with us and the kids. We also have a baby and a toddler however he hardly contributes financially towards them. So I make him deal with the kids every single day. This morning for example, both of the kids woke up at the same time and their dad will get them from the room. He’ll then bath both kids separately and give them their bottle/breakfast. All whilst I was in my bed scrolling on my phone. I then left the house around 11am to go to the gym and I’ll be going out for lunch with my friend soon.

When people say their partners don’t do anything with the kids, how?! Why the heck are you bringing this guy breakfast. I wouldn’t even make toast for the kid’s dad but he’ll make sure his kids are sorted. Men like that are shit and I genuinely do believe they think these things are for women to take care of. It’s fucking bollocks you may as well be on your own

You're in shock and it's totally understandable to feel devastated. This honestly is the best thing that could have happened though. He punched a hole in the wall? Thats terrifying. This man should be nowhere near you or your children. He brings nothing good to your lives, in fact he's downright dangerous to be around.

Do you have any real life support? Someone who can come and hold your hand through this, not someone who will put pressure on you to take him back

Understand that this is the BEST thing that has happened for you and your children.

It might not feel like it now, but it will.

Time. Wait.

You must be strong now op, it's so important.

I’m so sorry OP. What you are feeling is completely normal, you need time to process this so please be kind to yourself and get support from friends and family if you can. Don’t let anyone pressure you into taking him back or letting him back in the house, his behaviour in punching the wall is appalling and an indicator that things could easily have escalated. This is the best possible outcome in the long run, for you and your children. Hang in there

It's normal to feel grief when an abusive relationship ends - but that doesn't change the fact it's the right thing to happen. You cannot raise your children in a violent home, they deserve to be safe.

Don't allow him back.

karmanirvana.org.uk/get-help/what-is-honour-based-abuse/

Take this as your chance to move on. Please don't let him come back, or allow your family to convince you that he should come back. You will have a better life without a 3rd child, who should have been a partner.

This really is the best news for you and your children they were going to grow up thinking this is the way it should be and condemned to repeat the pattern be strong keep him out. Contact the numbers you've been given they will give advice on finances and moving forward.
Good luck.

Job done.

You need back up to fend off the families though. Do you have some one IRL to help you. Look into legal stuff to keep him out type of thing. You may need some help to not force to take him back.

I hope you're okay OP, even though from an outsiders' perspective this is the best thing that could have happened, I guess it might not feel that way to you today. How are you doing? There are lots of people on here who have been through it if you need support.

Thank god for that!

OP, I know you'll be feeling like absolute shit right now, but this is the only good thing this selfish arsehole has ever done for you. Now you are free, and can start the rest of your life - which will not involve being continually disrespected and exploited by an absolute bellend. Congratulations.

Aly, this is your one and only life here on planet Earth. When we die, we will be dead for millions and billions of years.

Is this really how you want you and your children to spend your only shot at life? Who cares what the "community" thinks. What do they think of a lazy lout who fathers children and then doesn't care for them? A sod who can't even work for more than a few hours a day, and texts his wife (servant) from his bed?

Whatever happened to men who were proud of hustling, and of working two, three or more jobs to support their families?

I hope you find the assistance and strength you need to forge a better life for yourself and your children.

send me a text when he’s awake and ask me to bring him breakfast in bed.

This made me laugh my head off

Ha-ha boin-g

OP, in a traditional Muslim household husbands are supposed to work to support the family in return for which the wife if she is a SAHM may take on the bulk of the domestic duties (though not all). In your case, you are being told to be quiet and be a good wife, but your DH is not being a good husband and is not being held accountable for that. If your family and community don't think this is an issue, then their mindset is at fault. Because what you are putting up with isn't Islamic, nor it is 'Asian culture' per se, though it happens in Asian families.

The fact you've only had nikah makes it easier for you to leave and retain your property and wealth should it come to that. However, before reaching that stage I'd try again to talk to DH. Rather than coming at it from the angle of what he doesn't do, which seems to make him defensive, have you tried telling him how exhausted you are and what he can do to help? Then be specific about what you want: is it for him to make breakfast? Come downstairs and eat breakfast with you? Take DC to nursery? I dont think any of these requests are at all unreasonable. They're small steps.

Finally, I don't know what region you live in, but where I am there are many divorced Muslim women and no one bats an eyelid. It's not haram, so please don't let social stigma be the cause of you staying.

Feel free to PM me if I can help.

Was this an arranged marriage? How long have you been married?
I understand that cultural differences mean men can have certain expectations of their wives. This is not acceptable here and would be classed as domestic abuse which is a crime. Emotional abuse is still domestic. if your husband gets threatening or violent towards you, punching walls and losing control.

Regardless of background, you can get confidential help. You call free or contact any of the organisations confidentially to ask for advice:

Types of abuse - there are many we class as abuse

Culturally Specific - Domestic Abuse. We’re breaking down cultural barriers.

National DA Helpline

This may or may not help you, but reading through the links may help you understand what behaviour is not acceptable.

I got to the breakfast in bed bit and felt really angry for you.

I think I may have held my breath in exasperation.

Don't live your life like this, please.

It's good that you're here @magma32 because having supported a woman to 'leave' an abusive marriage to a very similar man in a South Asian Muslim culture, I know context is important.

It's hard for white UK women to leave when they have supportive families, let alone leaving when you are leaving your family and community as well.

OP, depending on where you are there may be support services, housing services and so on specifically for women from your culture. They obviously don't exist everywhere.

If you can't leave, can you work outside the home and save hard so you have the means at least? They if you have to (if his abuse escalates) you won't be unable to leave.

You have one life, it is so precious, please don't waste it with this abusive man.

Also ask yourself if this is a relationship you would want for either of your children. A single parent may be frowned upon by your family but staying with him normalises abuse for them and perpetuates the problem through the generations. Stick up for yourself, stick up for them 💪

Breakfast in bed? Every day? When you have a newborn and toddler and are sleep deprived?
Imagine how much less work it would be if he was gone....