Partner doesn’t help with childcare

i read your replies very carefully especially to the pp who said it wasn’t legally enforceable, you clearly implied she can get her rights through nikah, which is wrong. Where would she go to get these rights? Her parents? The imam? Simple answer would have been yes pp nikah was is not legally enforceable. I corrected you, you went on to say it’s a spiritual contract. That’s nonsense. Why do you think Islamic countries legally enforce the nikah contract? When you marry abroad the nikah is legally valid in the U.K. but not for those who marry in the U.K. with nikah only. So they’ve automatically entered into a civil marriage just by having a nikah in the country where it is recognised.

if it’s just a spiritual contract how on earth do women get their inheritances, divorces etc do you think bad men just hand things over because fear of god? So basically god leaves women at the mercy of men? Nikah is a meant to be a legal contract, it’s meant to be enforced to protect women and children, and you can only enforce things where there are legal consequences so it’s void in this country for what it is meant to do. If it was just spiritual there wouldn’t be sharia courts popping up everywhere (where women tend to be the only customers) ask yourself why women need sharia courts in this country if it’s just a spiritual contract. And you’ll also find many sharia councils will automatically approve a civil divorce as an Islamic divorce which shows you how important it is.

No ofcourse women (muslim or not) don’t need a civil marriage, but when many are making sacrifices to their own careers and health, they need to have legal protections in place, take a look a women who get kicked out of their homes with nikah only. Take a look a domestic violence victims who haven’t been given any of their rights, be it from their husbands or families, but are left destitute, so they are dumped like girlfriends with no legal consequences.

In op’s particular case she’s better off being unmarried just like many other women muslim or not but guess where she’ll be going to make sure her Islamic divorce is ‘officially’ fulfilled, yep the sharia courts, who have been useless for many women in the past, sending them back to their abusers, taking their kids off them because of their inconsistent use of sharia law. it’s only because the British legal system has got involved that sharia courts are listening to women now so you can’t tell me or anyone else that nikah is not meant to be legally binding.

@ForPeaceSake
none of that is legally enforceable.

implying rights is irresponsible. A woman could read what you wrote and think she won’t be left penniless without her children simply because of a spiritual ceremony.

No one is fooled into thinking nikah carries legally enforceable rights in the UK. It's a moral and spiritual contract which is more important to Muslims than the civil ceremony which is only undertaken for practical reasons. As I said before, a lot of people do the civil ceremony at a later date (just as non-Muslim cohabiting couples do, without censure). Maybe that's what the OP was planning, who knows, but my advice to her was that it was fortunate she had not had a civil marriage, so the Islamic perspective is the only one she need heed (in terms of speaking to her family, knowing she has done nothing wrong, etc.)

I'm speaking from experience to help the OP, not derail her thread with an argument about sharia law.

You’re spot on. My point is they’re not legally enforceable in this country, by calling it a marriage it gives women a false sense of security thinking they’ve got marital protection. If they called themselves ‘girlfriends’ or unmarried then many might think twice in terms of the sacrifices they make for these men.

I understand what you mean but I don’t think those rights are legally enforceable. I may be completely wrong on this though I wholly admit.

Nikah is not legally enforceable here which is why so many Muslim women end up in shit’s creek as the man won’t give them what they owe them unless the real law gets involved. Even upon death there are so many women who don’t inherit anything and get kicked out of the house as it’s not legally anything to do with her. Legally she is just seen as a girlfriend, very different to the status of a wife in Islam wouldn’t you say. So there’s no point talking about that as it doesn’t apply here. There are major campaigns about this. No rights to inheritance, maintenance a roof over their heads unless the house is in their name etc unless the ‘husband’ feels like giving it. How many abusive men do you know that provide this maintenance? Where were her rights to provision if the nikah means anything? She could have gone to a sharia court and demanded payment for childcare etc as per Islam but she’d get nowhere. Or if sharia court told the man to give them a mahr they promised them? Etc The only reason they give anything is due to the legal courts, not because it’s Islamic which is why there are so many deadbeats with nikah only, they’re having a great time not needing to do anything unless the legal courts tell them to. When people have nikah only they’re a law unto themselves, and it’s mostly the woman the loses out. No man here listens to the ‘sharia courts’ unless he is willing to because they can’t enforce anything. Nikah certainly doesn’t decide child custody and has no powers, that’s the legal courts that decide that. Personally for op I don’t think she’s losing out on much by not being legally married to this waster as it’s not like he was providing in the first place. Child maintenance she’ll get from the courts, she won’t get a penny if she goes to ‘sharia courts’. And that’s what a legal system, actual law enforcement. Nikah in this country won’t give her anything, in a country where the nikah is legally recognised that’s a different matter.

Is this a wind up? Of course it's not bloody standard in most households! And the fact you said you do bring him breakfast in bed each morning and are asking if that's normal has my brain totally baffled. What a lazy dick, if this is in fact true.

It seems so hard at first but it genuinely is so much easier once they're gone. It's one less child to look after. And an adult child is the hardest!

You're doing great. Well done you. Enjoy your new life x

Neither is she legal obliged to stay with him. Same for cohabiting couples. However, all fathers are legally required to pay child maintenance.

This is a good thing OP. He's left you, so he's saved you a very difficult decision. Punching things is so far from ok. I truly hope you have support from your friends, if not also your family.

Hermione said this about as well as I could but more succinctly.

Why does he work so few hours?

Why doesn't he get up with the kids?

Why do you take him breakfast in bed?

The nursery costs should be a shared expense.

@ForPeaceSake i assume none of that is legally enforceable

Nikah confers rights. If her husband divorces her, OP will keep her dowry and the children will reside with her. He is obliged to maintain her for as long as the DC are under her care. Had she had a civil marriage he'd still have to pay child support. The only difference would be how the courts might see fit to divide assets. With nikah, this doesn't apply. A lot of people do the nikah first and the civil marriage later. Not so different to couples who move in with each other, then get married later.

Sorry for the shock op but I am glad he’s gone as I don’t think you’d have left him yourself. What you’re feeling is normal, you’ve been conditioned by your family/community that good women don’t get divorced which is oppressive and dangerous as this is the motivation of honour linked crimes -it’s the woman’s fault in their eyes but in the real world he was abusive and horrible and nobody should expect a woman to put up with.

however, chances are he will be back, this seems to me a power play, he wants to scare you so when he comes back you will behave better because as you know, he can just threaten to leave can’t he and this is the reason why women put up with abuse in our communities because of the fear of divorce that’s drilled in from a young age, which gives these men the freedom to do what they like as they play on these fears, they know the whole community will take their side, they know divorce is a woman’s problem not a man’s but if you want to go down the religion road it’s actually a mercy not a punishment. But please don’t give in to him. I’m glad your family are supportive but watch out for emotional blackmail to try to get you to take him back etc. I look at this positively, he’s really done you a favour but he thinks he’s punishing you. You need to show him you’re not desperate to have him back otherwise it’ll be back to square one but with the abuse ramped up. He needs to be put in his place. Demand your khula and be done with it.

i personally would change the locks and claim child maintenance to the max. Take no prisoners with this pos.

Glad I read the whole thread

it Feels very overwhelming right now, but he was at the very least financially abusing you. He resorted to violence and moved out when you pushed back against the inequities in your relationship. You don’t want this man in your life.

most importantly, you don’t want your children thinking this is the way they need to live as adults. They have the right to truly egalitarian, mutually satisfying, relationships. Note that does not mean a relationship where the woman does all the child-bearing, all the child-care and still miraculously contributes 50% of all expenses. It means a true partnership where each person contributes in meaningful ways that allow both partners to lead better lives overall and the mix of how that is done can vary from couple to couple.

Wow. I have just read all of your posts OP. This whole thing of having the nikah and not the legal marriage is just another way to deprive you of your rights. You have to be bound by the vows of the ceremony but you have none of the rights or protection of a legal marriage.

This waste of space leaving and going to his parents is the best thing ever - do not take him back, you will be happier in the long run.

I’m sorry OP but you need to leave this awful man. It will be easier to be a single mother because you no longer have this grown man child to also look after. I’m sorry you are in this situation. Is there anyone else you can speak to? Or try speaking to your mother again? I know many couples of south Asian background and not a single man is served breakfast in bed whilst watching tv instead of helping. Also, if it’s “traditional” for you to serve him, then it’s “traditional” for him to bring in enough money so you don’t have to work! Sounds like people around you are choosing the aspects of culture and tradition that suit them and ignoring the aspects that don’t.

This. He'll come swanning back in when he thinks you've been 'punished' enough and won't dare to speak up again.

Get your head together so you're ready when he decides to do this, so you're strong enough to say 'No, we've broken up and it's over'.

Get all the support and strength you need here on this thread.

You'll have moments where you'll think it's just easier to go back to how things were, your family telling you to do the right thing and let him back.

But he was abusing you, and now he's manipulating you into a position where he can continue abusing you without complaint from you.

Things that help me when I don't want to text someone..

Change their name in your phone to 'don't do it' or for you it might be 'abuser'

Every time I want to text them I do a plank.

I know that last one might not work for everyone so maybe re read this thread over and over

He has done you a favour here. That you even had to pay for childcare when he was at home and able to look after them is mad enough let alone everything else.

You’re begging and crying because you are in an abusive relationship and you’re currently being emotionally manipulated.

He’ll be back when he think you’ve learnt your lesson and he’s sure you won’t dare stick up for yourself again. Because you’re in a position where you cannot emotionally and mentally cope without him and he knows it.

you’re being abused. It stops when you stop it.

I just read the update.

Agree with PPs.

Remember he choose to leave you and the kids. Make sure you tell everyone this.

Sorry OP, I just read the update. I know it certainly doesn’t feel like it, but this is a blessing in disguise