Partner doesn’t help with childcare

Aly321 you sound so strong and capable, an amazing mother and a straight BG, working woman.

Yes it's very lonely without another adult so that must make it harder.

It must also be super hard being conditioned into this life from childhood. I can't help with that aspect as I come from a different culture and a very supportive background. E.g. neither my nor my husband's mother took their husbands name, even at a time it was less usual.

All I wanted to add is your work colleagues. Please do reach out to them. They must be busy with their own lives, but once they hear about you they will be immediately supportive. It's a bit out of sight out of mind situation, but once they know you need support they will rally around.

Wishing you a most wonderful 2023 when you enjoy and appreciate being your own boss at home 🙂

Op you are a very capable, organised, independent woman. You are a perfect role model to your children right now. You are strong. There will be difficult moments but you are only a few days without him - your liberty and freedom of choice are still yours to be had.

Take it one day at a time. Call womens aid for access to advice and support. Start to make plans without him.

You are not a slave - you deserve better. There's is no shame in refusing to be the object of a man's abuse. You can be part of your cultures change by refusing to accept it. You are brave and honourable.

@Travelbud British Muslim women know nikah isn't legally enforceable if it takes place in the UK. However, if nikah takes place abroad it is legally valid in the UK. If a woman came to the UK as a bride I can appreciate she might not know the law, but then the problem is one of education not of the nikah itself.

As I said, I'm speaking from personal experience and that of scores of friends and acquaintances. OP has had a nikah, so all that's relevant here is what she wishes to do about it and how. Other Muslims are best placed to advise her on this aspect.

Stay strong OP. Do not beg this waste of space to come back. You can do this.

Don't forget he's still their dad and presumably on the birth certificate so you can go to the CSA. Think about the times he shouted when you were not toeing his line how you coped while he was demanding room service how lonely that felt.
You will be eligible for UC and the childcare element pays up to 85%. It will be fine.

This is untrue. I watched an interesting documentary about Nikah and women DID believe it stood for something in UK. They found this out only when they spoke to a solicitor. I think it was on Iplayer.

You can apply for child maintenance so he has to contribute financially to his kids.

Your mum is all you need for the time being. As for others your mum hasn’t told, well it’s best not to confide in them anyway seeing as you’ve mentioned the women put up with this abuse anyway so I doubt they’d be helpful otherwise you would have spoken to them in the first place rather than post on here. Like I said get onto the organisations and move forward with the practical things you would normally do.

Well get onto child maintenance, if he’s self employed he might hide his income but I would go through them rather than him. Don’t ask him for anything, go through the appropriate channels signposted above and call citizens advice. I wouldn’t expect anything other reaction from him from the way you’ve described him in previous posts. Made an enemy out of him? Was he your friend when he was punching through walls and demanding breakfast in bed? Does he think he’s been good to you? He really is something else. I would think it’s better he’s completely out of the picture anyway as he will make co parenting harder for you and he will abuse you that way. He wasn’t helping you with childcare anyway so I’m not sure what he’s going on about there, you were paying for everything yourself and making him breakfast in bed on top of everything else.

I was going to ask too... why are you not married OP already? Have both your families not questioned this?

His reaction is likely because he's seeing someone else and is occupied. Sorry but you can do better.

Whatever you do OP, do not go back to him

You're so strong, someone once said to me when I was worried about being alone if I broke off with my ex 'how can you be worried about being alone when you're alone anyway?' And I think that stands here. The only difference is you're making one less breakfast from the sound of your posts

I know the community views are a lot to consider, but don't ever settle for less than you or your children deserve

I wish you all the love and luck in the world

Sorry previously you mentioned confiding in your friends who told you his behaviour wasn’t normal. So I assumed you had a support network of some sort. You don’t need to listen to your mum but you can expect her to support you with the kids etc especially as you mentioned they were being supportive for the time being? either way whilst you are in contact with them they will try to persuade you to take him back so you might as well use them otherwise you’re better off going no contact especially if you think they will be able to ‘break’ you into taking him back.

as mentioned in previous posts there are organisations to offer support, even just a chat. Women’s aid are very good, they won’t force you to do anything but will tell you about your options etc and general advice to cope with. There are other Asian centred organisations posted above too.

Oh Dear just read all your updates. There's an Asian board on here maybe someone can offer more relatable advise OP.

Really sad that your mum is giving you poor advise, just in case you decide to get back together I hope you are on solid contraception not just being careful previously!

Can you speak to a Councillor? Women's aid? What about joining baby groups?

Take the kids to visit your parents or some friends? Go and find some adult company - noone will be expecting breakfast in bed for one thing!
If a visit is out of the question that call/video call someone for a chat.

Reframe it. It isn't lonely, it's peaceful

'get up and get out'

Yep, this x10000. Don't lie around letting your thoughts take over, make a plan and go out

Who else do you have to contact? Friends?

Op you need to re read what you posted about him and think if he’s worth having back. Think about what example he’s showing your children. This is far from an ‘Islamic’ marriage and is more like a toxic, oppressive relationship which many of our women could not get out of due to lack of choices, lack of support etc many accept this is life and get on with it but you knew it wasn’t right so you posted on here. The reason you feel shit is because you’re grieving and also the cultural conditioning that has told you that you need to keep a man at all costs, doesn’t matter how he treats you. Please stop begging him, he’s trying to punish you and this is giving him exactly what he wants, he’s playing a game here. What exactly did you do wrong? Tell him to fix up? And this is how he’s behaved? Is that what you want your daughter to see and do? He will return and you’ll have to make a decision. Nobody here can force you to do anything but think about the advice you would give to someone you cared about? Would you think it’s in theirs or their children’s best interest to take him back? I would get some counselling and can one of your friends or supportive family members stay over with you so you’re not feeling lonely?

Have a shower, put your make up on and go get a coffee or take the kids to soft play. It’s easier to act your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of acting.

get up and get out

Agreed. You will get through it and things will improve, but you are still in shock and the process of coming to terms with what has happened takes time. Even after an abusive relationship there is still a grieving period that needs to take its course, as your life has been turned upside down. You are doing a great job. Be kind to yourself.

'Does it get worse before it gets better? 😞'

Yes, these things often do. You've had the rug pulled right out from under you, and it will take some time to adjust. Keep remembering what a useless sod he was, and how he was a drain on you, and how terrifying his behaviour could be, and how he hasnt bothered to check on the kids since he's been gone. And carry on not texting or calling him. You're doing great x