Those with au pairs, what's it really like having someone living in your house?

Harriet With AP's it usually phone interviews or skype and I only use agency AP's as well, so on paper beforehand everything looks ok. tbh last Jan, there was a real a shortage of AP's , so I tried a couple of males out of desperation. Boys don't work for me!
(I've got a really short threshold for stupidity as well )

Ingles
Out of curiosity, when you say that you 'couldn't stand the sight of them' did this come as a shock, i.e. all seemed well from the interview? Or, because of their circumstances, was it, say a phone interview?

Mrs Wobble - I know what you mean about being strict on paper initially, it is a nightmare to try to 'renegotiate' later.

when we had a live in nanny we gave her the choice of eating with the children, eating on her own or eating with us. we were lucky in that we eat late so they never wanted to wait to eat with us and usually took the first option of eating with teh children. we would try and make time to eat with them once a fortnigth or so in order to have a chat about everything. they tended to go out at weekends but if they were in they usually ate sunday lunch with us but did their own thing otherwise.

as far as guests are concerned we had a no guests without asking and do not expect overnight guests to be allowed. we did make an exception for our czech nanny's boyfriend when he visited from prague - but by this stage she had worked for us for 6 months and been in the relationship for a number of years and we were away on holiday for all but one day of his visit so were quite pleased that she was not going to be on her own the whole time.

as with all things nanny related i would recommend being formal and unaccommodating in the contract - you can relax the rules later if you want to but moving things in the other direction is practically impossible.

Hi Harriet
Well IMO no easy answer to your question really. All AP's feel like house guests at the beginning, and usually you've got used to them at about 3 months. I have had AP's though, who have fitted in beautifully and have always felt comfortable with them around BUT I've also had AP's I've had to ask leave cos I couldn't stand the sight of them
There just has to be compromise ... it's usually the parents that do the compromising though!

Nanny's are different, as they are employed and have a much more professional outlook on things and are not expecting to be part of the family in their free time. I would be clear from the outset I think about exactly what you want. Do you have a second room the nanny can use as a living room, so she's not stuck in her bedroom when you want to entertain?

Does a live-in nanny feel like a long-term house guest a)only at the start b)most of the time c)not at all for most people???

Can I resurrect this thread please. Partially to do with Ingles's newest thread re guests. I'm obsessing about this, because I'm obsessing about how I'm going to financially and emotionally manage childcare for two children w/o going bankrupt/crazy. It's late so I'm probably rambling too.

Regarding privacy, with APs/live-in nannies, I would assume it's best to discuss visitors at the outset. Question: Do you also have something in the contract? Do people just say, outright, no overnight guests (if that's what they're going for) or, we expect to be able to say no to people we're not comfortable with. Note, the nanny would be living in a room in our house and (probably) sharing a bathroom with DCs.

Secondly, with a live-in nanny (I realise APs are supposed to be slightly different), at the interview stage, do people actually lay out their views on meals together etc., joint activities. For example I would not want the nanny to be at every meal I'm having with friends when they come round, and possibly at none of them, although meals with us would of course be a diff story. What do other people do in this situation? This is the main way we socialise these days!!! I don't want to feel driven from my house just to get private time with friends. Same thing with weekend activities. How often do you invite the nanny along?

It strikes me it may be better just to have a frank discussion about such matters at the outset. But maybe people just play it by ear a bit more?!

I don't find it a problem at all, but then DH is away for quite a bit of the time.

Our ap is definitely part of the family. We eat all meals together, and she rarely sits in her room. Unfortunately her wireless laptop won't work on our wireless broadband, so she's tied to being downstairs if she wants to go on the internet on her laptop. It did seem strange at first, but it's fine now, and useful if you want to ask a quick favour.

Our ap doesn't have 'working hours'. I ask her to do certain things, and she does them at various times of the day. It works well for us as I'm a SAHM so I can be flexible.

we hissed,.. until one night I really let rip!
AP came down next morning and asked if she should leave as we were obviously getting divorced

Once, I am ashamed to admit I pushed DH over onto a chair because I was not able to raise my voice ... unfortunately this led to him raising his

Ah Quattro, you mean you don't do the poisonous hissing instead

I think there are live-out au-pairs but they are very very rare.

It's worked out fine for us. The au-pair uses a spare bedroom, and it does have its own bathroom.

We have rather had to give up arguing though. Maybe that's a good thing?

How about you have a summer AP just to try it out? Some just want to come in their break from uni/study and this can be a good way of judging if you could cope with it.

If you don't get on it's 2 months, if you do it'll fly by.

Yes, sorry about the hijack also.

(petrified emoticon) we've got ancient oak trees under bloody preservation orders all around our house,... every time the weathers like this, I'm waiting for 150yr old knackered old tree to come crashing down on our heads!
Sorry for hijack J&J by the way

Lost a little fence panel, but apart from that everyting else seems to be well tethered!

that my neighbours Ash tree (which is taller than the roof on my roundels) which shades out back garden from all afternoon light blows down without hitting my kitchen!

You could say that Norty
my wooden shack is shaking like mad.....(slighty scary!)
You?

Not an au pair but had a live in housekeeper/nanny when we lived abroad. It was in a country where this is very common and all the houses have "maids quarters" but she did come back with us to the UK and shared our small 3 bedroom semi with us here for a while!

It has it's ups and downs. Great to have someone around for things like if you have an appointment or need to pop out to the shops/doctors/whatever. Great to have help with the kids especially at those busy times like teatime, or when you want a shower in the morning, etc.

Sharing a bathroom with a stranger can be tricky, but if your kids have their own bathroom that she can use then that's not too bad.

I would suggest that you also need to give careful thought to your boundaries like does she eat meals with you, does she share your living room or would you expect her to go and watch TV in her room in the evenings etc. Decide what will work for you as a family and then make those ground rules clear at the outsset.

Personally we found it worked better when things were more separate - yes it is a bit odd having a stranger sitting at the dinner table with you. But at the same time it is a bit rude to say go and eat your dinner in the kitchen! I also think it's a bit different with an au pair as they are not really the same thing as a housekeeper and probably would expect to be more a part of the family.

One thing we did find it that having another adult in the house was definitely inhibiting to our sex life - it felt a bit like having sex at your parent's house when you are trying to be quiet!

Now she has left us for a new job we have a much messier house and things are far more chaotic but we do enjoy just being a family again. I feel very lucky to have had the help when I did though especially with small kids so if you can see a way to make it work I'd say go for it.

Hi Ingles is it blustery in your neck of the woods today?

IMO it's a case of:
If you have a good AP, it's not a problem to have them live in at all, infact it's a pleasure.
If you have a crap AP, it's a nightmare!
My friend in London also has a live out AP. Mind you she pays £1400 a month, so nearly nanny wages!
Hi Norty

It is a tough one HTS, I wouldn't have a live in but I fear for my sanity otherwise!

My DS, who is adorable, also has SN and is exhausting. My DH is away ALOT and is not a particularly practical person when he is home.

We have to leave for school before 8am each morning, if I didn't have someone to help me I would be driving in my PJs everyday - or feeling put upon by my children and workaholic husband!

In a way I see it as extra pressure on our relationship but it does remove some of the irritants that can cause friction.

No. We've only ever had live-out, but am considering (actually, at this point, planning on) live-in when I go back from maternity leave in January as we will then have two children and can't really afford a live-out nanny five days a week. To find someone reasonable, with the tax bill on top, will be just too pricey. Plus, I am tired of people arriving to work late and, if we need them to stay later, feeling like I should be booking a cab, driving them home, etc. So, I am thinking of sacrificing some privacy, etc and doing live-in.

This is one of the things, while I'm not untrusting of DH, just strikes me as a pain to manage. However annoying - and what you described is VERY - it's not exactly a sackable offense either - was curious to see how you planned to address it...I'm genuinely interested in how much it comes up...was interested in this thread anyway from the point of view of what it's like ot have live in...

DD1 will be starting school around 9 mo after I go back to work...so if doesn't work out with live-in we could conceivably put DC2 in a childminder, if we can find one who does school pick ups as well...so I guess, we'd have a way out. But, the toing and froing is bad too..anyway, have now massively strayed off topic.

No I don't think it is as obvious as flirting.

It is more a culmination of things including she rarely speaks to me, only to discuss essentials, but she is really chatty with him and she often stops talking to him when I walk in the room.

He is away much of the time she is alway anxious to know when he is coming back, also if I haven't announced his immanent departure she says huffily, "You didn't tell me he was going."

She doesn't eat in the evenings with me if he is away.

If I give her a bonus for being extra useful (not often!) or, for example, her Christmas present she always goes out of her way to thank him effusively, he generally has no idea of what she is talking about (as he isn't interested in the slightest how/what I pay her) but he always takes full responsibility for it when she thanks him

She is deffo not a looker and not his type, so am not worried by the situation. Just think it's awfully bad manners.

Have you had similar HTS?

Further to the other thread that's been going, does she actively flirt with DH or is it more subtle? When did you realise she had the crush?