Should a grandparent help out with childcare?

I totally get it op. She is still your mum and you are desperate for help.... I still support my adult DS and DD in loads of ways, because I factored in that they might need me for more than the 18 years of childhood...

She is absolutely not obligated to look after your children unless she wants to.

Ringing up crying on multiple occasions is like the boy who cried wolf. How is she meant to know you're not turning on the waterworks for her?

I get it, we lived miles from either of our families.
My only regret is my dd's don't see my family as family because we saw them so infrequently. If I could go back and change anything, I would change that.

My children's grandparents never help out. They don't have "grandparent" relationships at all with the children. They rock up here for a meal once in a blue moon and spend the entire time sat in the kitchen talking to the adults - usually arranging for a friend of theirs to pop in (from when they lived here) to kill 2 birds with one stone on the visit.
We've just accepted that this is the relationship they want and they don't want to be grandparents in any traditional sense. They moved even further away 12 months ago so definitely not going to improve. Similarly, we're not going to be in a position to help out any of and when they come to need assistance with shopping etc because of the distance now.

However, I do think you need to sit down with your husband and work out how he can be more present because it's not great just leaving you to manage everything because of work when you have work too. I think this is a bigger problem than the lack of outside support to be honest.

It's interesting you say that because one consideration that I had when choosing to have children/choosing how many children to have, was that I needed to be able to commit to supporting my children for as long as they needed me, if I possibly could.

So we decided, yes we could commit to being an active involved parent (as long as we were alive!) as long as our kids needed that. And we decided we could probably support 2 children financially (if they needed it) and emotionally, well into adulthood. We hoped to be able to provide practically also, which we've already done. I would have loved a third CHILD, but we felt that a third adult child would make all of the above more of a stretch, so we stuck with 2.

Like OP this was all based on the fact that both of us had involved grandparents and witnessed how positive for us and our parents.

Having said that I understand that OP can't expect it, but I can also understand how frustrating it would be for your mum to not support you when you are desperate, especially when it sounds like her parents did benefit from grandparent support.

I'm also amazed at the emergency childcare situation.

You had an emergency at work, which meant you had to be away from home all night, and your husband was also out all night in connection with said emergency?

Could you tell us a bit more about this please?

You could have just said to your employer "I can't come, I have small children at home".

It's a bit hard to tell without knowing what your husband does. If he has a job like an A&E doctor, I can see that work would be inflexible.

If he's in a more regular corporate job, I wonder if your mum feels that he's not pulling his weight so feels she's enabling the situation by covering.

I think a couple of days with the kids, and a couple of overnights IS helping.

That said, my Mum made it very clear that the crises like you had last month were her childcare offers. And when we have asked, she has stepped up (going into labour with DS2, and DH abroad, DS 1blue lighted to hospital she drove up and did what was needed).

Sounds like you need to find an alternative emergency childcare solution - I've done this for a friend - as you don't have grandparents able and willing to do it.

It is really shit that she was not able to help you and you are entitled to be upset by that. It is more helpful for you to think in terms of not able rather than not willing and I am glad you can make peace with it. Sometimes if we feel let down it is useful to write a letter to that person, saying anything you want and not screening yourself at all. Then destroy it. It helps release our feelings in a way that doesn't damage the relationship.

The situation with your job and your husband's us not tenable unless you have robust back up. It is rubbish that you don't have it, but that is the case. One or both of you need to step back a bit, reduce hours or change roles. It is untenable for you to be carrying so much. People very often only realise it really is too much when something massive happens to force change. Don't leave yourself vulnerable to that. You are currently the slowly boiling frog. Get out of the pot!

What happened in the end with the "emergency" situation at work that both you and your husband were involved in? Who had the children? And why does your husband bear zero responsibility for his kids but somehow your mum should?

You’re being a hit cryptic about your husband. You say he was ‘involved in the emergency’ you had at work - was he hurt/in an accident? Or just that he works at the same place so was also working? Regardless, sounds like that was a one off - why does he get to just check out of parenthood the whole time and yet it’s your mum you’re angry with?

I get why you wish you had more support from your DM but it’s been abundantly clear for some time that she’s not up for doing childcare for you so why do you keep pushing and pushing for it? Just accept you don’t have that support from her and make other arrangements, like perhaps expecting your husband to parent his children. Looking after a 3 and a 5 year old is too much for my mum too which of course I think is a shame and I’m envious of people who have more support, but it is what it is. You’ve had two overnights from her this year - my DH and I have literally never had overnight childcare, in six years. You’re being incredibly pushy and unreasonable and frankly, childish. Look closer to home if you actually want support in your current life as an apparent single parent.

It’s MN so you are going to be told you are unreasonable to expect any kind of help or support from a single family member and you must pay for it all.

In reality, I would be extremely insulted if my mum refused to help in those situations as families are there to help each other out. You were not asking for a regular arrangement but one off help here and there. To add insult to injury, she thought nothing of leaving you with grandparents when you were young and has acknowledged how much it helped her but can’t offer a fraction of the help to you.

I wouldn’t bother facilitating a relationship with my children and her in your shoes unless she’s willing to make some kind of effort too. These things require interest of both parties

She's had support? The mum has taken them for days & overnights at least 4 times this year.

Maybe that's not loads to some people but it's not nothing.

It's also not her mum's job to step in due to OP's H being unavailable.

This GP does work & lives 30 minutes away - not exactly next door

Because the father was part of the emergency. Try reading the OP's posts.

Try not being so rude.

Her H was part of the 'emergency' (unspecified).

However OP's opening post says

My husband is pretty much MIA at the moment due to work.
And

A few years back it was quite similar and I’d called my mum in tears as I was struggling

So it's an ongoing issue, with her H unavailable to help.

OP has since focused on this one time but her starting position was her DM's general unavailability and her H's lack of involvement.

Try reading posts yourself, maybe?

No, grandparents shouldn't HAVE to help.
But i think it's an almighty shame that families don't want to support each other. Raising children with little support is exhausting and lonely.

My personal feeling on the matter is, if the grandparent does not work, lives nearby and has no health issue then they should be offering some help.

Yet many of these grandparents will expect their adult children to put their life on hold to care for them in old age. I think many will say no! kindness returns both ways.

I haven't had any help at all, my Mum admits she's selfish and not maternal, ( as well as cold and hard) when my husband died my sons were still young, l thought she would have maybe stepped up, but No. Her reasoning is she never had any help. It's hard but in a way it makes you more determined to do a great job and my sons are older now and genuinely respect and appreciate all I've done. They are both really working hard and very driven, l have never been able to afford my own car and they want to help me out with that.
But they have no time for my Mum and never bother with her.

@theculture has it right.

Also, what kind of emergency would require you to stay overnight at work? If your husband was involved surely there would be some understanding that one of you would need to leave?

As a nurse and have been late home many times but even I've never had to stay overnight outside of a nightshift.

I mean this kindly but your children are your responsibility not your mums. She isn't obliged to do childcare. I have no nearby family. In this situation either I or DH would have to leave and collect the children - even if it meant bringing them to work and sticking them in the staff room!

I'm the opposite of you and a few others on this thread - I received a lot more help from my mum when my DC were little than she ever did from her own mum (my grandma). It's not a generational thing, it's a personal choice. Of course grandparents don't have to help out, but it's lovely if they do (especially for the emergency), and it's certainly one of the reasons why I have a much better, closer relationship with my mum than the relationship she had with her own mum. I'll never forget the support she and my dad have given me.

She HAS helped you! She has helped you a lot. You sound needy and entitled! Your kids are your responsibility and your husband’s. Make peace with that fact and you will be able to make peace with your mother.

Because the father was part of the emergency. Try reading the OP's posts.

@Lollipopsandicecream
No your dm doesn't have to help.
Yes, she's selfish and will never change.

It does sound harsh but I think OP sounds like overall her expectations are unreasonable & I suspect this may influence her mum's reaction.

The 19 yo brother was available (tho he didn't want to stay overnight if I read that right?)

It really comes down to the relationship. Some GPs are amazing. I am fairly independent & my preference is to manage myself; my mum didn't live close in any case. I know others are different in what they prefer.

So your DH was involved in your work emergency? Do you work in the same place?

I never cease to find the responses on Mumsnet on GPs helping amazing. The OP has an emergency, her DH was involved in that emergency and her DM won't help out on a Friday night!
There is absolutely no way anyone in my family would do that. My parents helped ( when they could as they were in another country) with my DC and regularly took them in the summer. They now have a really great and independent relationship with their GC who phone/travel to see them regularly and now support them.
I realise this is not an option for everyone and some family relationships have broken down for all sorts of understandable reasons but if you do generally get on and are in good health why would you not help. I know its not obligatory etc but to hear your daughter crying on the phone and not do anything, really?

It would be great if she'd helped but I think you should accept that she doesn't want to and that she's more than happy with the current level of contact.