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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Dislike MIL but she's offering free childcare

57 replies

Sipsupsip · 16/09/2022 20:47

The relationship between MIL and I broke down a couple of years ago. I have almost nothing to do with her. I had a baby about 9 months ago and we are thinking about childcare solutions for my return to work.
MIL has offered to have him for a couple of days a week. She really does love the baby and sees him for a couple of hours on Saturdays and Sundays when DH goes to visit her.
Additional info: DH currently pays for MILs bills and rent as she has no other income.
So, in theory we could afford full time nursery childcare but can't really due to this expense.

So, my question to you wise MNeters... What issues do you foresee in this set up? Am I mad?
Logistically DH would do drop off and pickups.
Ta

OP posts:
YourWinter · 16/09/2022 22:13

Surely if she CAN’T work her benefits will cover her rent, council tax and bills. If she could work but prefers your DH to bankroll her, I wouldn’t want her influence bringing my baby up.

hewouldwouldnthe · 16/09/2022 22:09

It would work out best in the current situation and it's just until reception and school kick in. So her influence wouldn't be excessive. GPS are great for after school and collection from school

Gazelda · 16/09/2022 21:35

Do you have any other options? What were your plans when you became pregnant? When are you due back at work?

To be honest, it sounds crazy that you're in this dilemma with a 9mo. Surely you've had more than a year to work this out?

Original poster
Sipsupsip · 16/09/2022 21:28

Julia234 · 16/09/2022 21:23

If she is a good grandmother then I wouldn’t really see an issue. She managed to bring your husband up who I presume you love so I’m sure she wouldn’t do that bad of a job.

I wouldn’t conflate the two issues as long as she is living and safe with baby.

This is what I was thinking - she managed to bring up 3 kids, they're reasonably ok lol.

I'd also like her to have a relationship with DC as she has little else going on in her life. I just see her as a sad, lonely old woman who lashed out when things didn't go her way. Her other DC live hundreds of miles away and DH is the only one who really bothers.

OP posts:
CPL593H · 16/09/2022 21:25

If she has benefits, she will get help with her rent

Julia234 · 16/09/2022 21:24

Loving

Julia234 · 16/09/2022 21:23

If she is a good grandmother then I wouldn’t really see an issue. She managed to bring your husband up who I presume you love so I’m sure she wouldn’t do that bad of a job.

I wouldn’t conflate the two issues as long as she is living and safe with baby.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2022 21:22

What was his plan? Was he always intending to have his horrible mother doing childcare even though she’s been revolting to his wife/mother of his child?

Original poster
Sipsupsip · 16/09/2022 21:15

She does receive benefits but these go on her personal expenses like food/clothes/household stuff.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2022 21:15

Piffle11 · 16/09/2022 21:11

If your DH will not cut her off financially, then he needs to come up with another solution that does not involve her looking after your child.

Absolutely. When he wanted a baby how did he expect the finances to work?

LizzieSiddal · 16/09/2022 21:14

And if she has no income is she not entitled to benefits?

LizzieSiddal · 16/09/2022 21:13

Having read your reasons for falling out with with her, she does not sound like the kind of person who should be looking after your child. It really will end in tears! Probably yours.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/09/2022 21:13

You need to be able to trust those looking after your child with your life. If you don't then they shouldn't be looking after your child

britneyisfree · 16/09/2022 21:12

She doesn't like you. No don't leave your kid with her. Tell your husband to find another solution.

Piffle11 · 16/09/2022 21:11

If your DH will not cut her off financially, then he needs to come up with another solution that does not involve her looking after your child.

Piffle11 · 16/09/2022 21:10

*why, not wine

Original poster
Sipsupsip · 16/09/2022 21:10

We fell out because she tried to pressure us into having a child. She was desperate for DGC. She said some very nasty things about me and my family. And also had issues with me taking her son away from her as their relationship changed after we got married. She's Pakistani and these things are quite common in our community (sadly).
We are in a difficult situation financially and can't really afford full time childcare without cutting her off financially - which DH would never do.

OP posts:
MonkeyPuddle · 16/09/2022 21:10

Won’t work mate.
You don’t wanna talk to her so why’d you want her to look after your most precious thing?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2022 21:09

Dear god no.

Why would you consider this? You don’t like her, why would you leave your precious baby with her?!

If your household can no longer afford to fund her because you’ve got a baby and life is inevitably more expensive then she’ll need to find alternative help. don’t sacrifice your career to stay at home if that’s the alternative because DH is prioritising his mother over you and your child.

jannier · 16/09/2022 21:09

Problems my clients have had using grandparents:-
You survived feeding/sleeping on pillows/playing near glass closh in garden/dummy in alcohol, no car seats
I'm on duty so my rules....spoiling, behaviour.
Feeding rubbish against parents wishes , taking to pub, infront of TV all day, put to bed for afternoon nap 2 hours aged 4,
Don't listen to mummy nanny loves you best, along with meany old mummy etc.
Shh don't tell mummy/daddy....treats against parental wishes.
Grandparent over riding parent with school nursery
Language issues .....my house I'll sware etc.
Smoking issues

So if shes not on board with your parenting I would be wary.

Piffle11 · 16/09/2022 21:09

Hell no. If you can't even find it in yourself to be courteous to this woman – and I'm not blaming you, I don't know the reasons – then wine earth would you want her looking after your child, alone?

A580Hojas · 16/09/2022 21:09

It's unbelievable that your dh pays all your MIL's bills and rent. Why on earth?

Tillsforthrills · 16/09/2022 21:08

Even if you dislike her, you can believe and know she’d be an excellent grandmother. Personally, I’d let her care for the baby one day a week only.

AliceW89 · 16/09/2022 21:07

Hmm. I do agree with PPs that I think it depends why you don’t speak. If she’s fundamentally not a bad person, but you are just too different to ever get along then maybe it could work.

However, I’m genuinely not sure I would ever rely on a casual arrangement with one person for childcare. Even someone I get on very well with. What happens if and when it breaks down? If she finds it too much? If she’s sick? Out of you and DH, who is going to be responsible for missing work at short notice?

Sounds like you’re a bit tied though if you can’t afford childcare because of her bills and rent. I feel for you.

saraclara · 16/09/2022 21:06

Why did your relationship break down?

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