Grandparents doing childcare: tell me the worst!

Do you have a DP or DH (DW), OP? If so, have you discussed this with them?

My friends nearly split up over the care of the GC. From having an interesting life doing all the things they wanted to do and had postponed until retirement, they were ‘tied to the house’. The DH felt that the GC were much more important in his home than he was, there were no rooms off limits ( he was a woodworker and model maker) and meal times, outings etc all revolved round the kids. GM doted on them and spoilt them. She didn’t want him to go out with friends but stay and help look after the children. His life changed, without his consent.

it was pretty horrendous, tbh.

I'm the daughter- my mum was a nightmare doing childcare. She's very controlling anyway but she would arrive at my house every week with a fucking PACKED LUNCH and dinner she'd made for DD, when they were just spending the day in our home, as if I had no food in the house, or somehow my food wasn't good enough for DD. She disagreed with me on almost everything I did/didnt do with DD but also was too nervous to put her in her pushchair to take her out and she kept getting me down from my WFH office to help with things like change her nappies, test how hot her food was. It drove me fucking insane. If my mum wasn't so controlling and I hadn't WFH it probably wouldn't have been so bad. I thought I had a really good relationship with my mum before this but she was so openly critical of me that I don't think I'll ever forgive her. If you are more relaxed and do mainly as your DD asks and don't pick at her choices, it'll probably be fine.

I looked after my GC a couple of days a week and it is tiring but I loved it. When they were tiny, I followed their mum's regime to the letter. As they grew bigger, it was great fun to have their company, chat with them and take them out to fun places. It forms a nice bond with them. I hope you'll enjoy it.

What happens if they have more children on if your other children also want childcare?

No wonder family childcare potentially leads to so many problems if people have this attitude. My DS and DD have quite different approaches to parenting and I feel it's vital to follow their individual preferences. How could they trust me otherwise?

I do regular childcare for my DS and my DD. Some is full days and some just drop off and pick up, depending on the ages of the DGC. The only drawback I can see is that I've had to let them down on the very rare occasions I've been unwell, though that is balanced by me still being able to look after them if they're poorly, which a nursery won't do. Otherwise I've found it such a positive experience - I have a very close relationship with the DGC and it's also helped to forge a very close bond with my wonderful DIL.

I personally wouldn't want to use relatives as regular childcare. I've known a few setups where I know the mum and grandparent and in every case the mum has thought the grandparent enjoyed it whereas really the grandparent resented it.

If I was the grandparent and I was offering care I'd want to know if there are any non negotiable rules the parent wanted me to follow, and I'd tell them up front if I couldn't stick to that rule. I can remember my SIL being cross that the grandparents weren't sticking to giving the toddler only a short nap. My nephew at 2 was a whirlwind and into everything. If I'd been looking after him I'd definitely have been letting him sleep as long as he wanted! So many parents expect grandparents to deal with cranky toddlers to make night time bedtimes easier. Sod that, if it makes grandparents' lives easier to let the toddler sleep for 3 hours in the day then I'm sorry but the parents should just put up with that.

I'm the daughter. My parents did a lot of childcare for me in the kids first few years. I can't remember what we discussed beforehand but I do think having the conversation about expectations and costs is really important. Plenty of posts on here resenting GP's who don't help but helping brings its own issues.

GP's wouldn't take anything for looking after mine but I bought and delivered all nappies, wipes, nappy sacks, food, snacks, bottles and other bits and bobs that would be needed at theirs as well as leaving extra clothes etc for accidents or mess. GP's wanted to buy toys, playmate etc themselves to keep in their house for kids. They bought a stroller for their house and we bought extra car seats that were isofixed into their car.

I didn't want to book too many activities for them to have to get to but mum took DD to a little music/ dance class, gymnastics and the library for kids groups. I paid the first two direct.

Someone else I know had 50/50 childcare split between mum and mil. She paid £600 to mum and mil didn't want/ need anything.

I'm of the mind that my parents were doing me a massive favour and didn't leave any rules etc for them to follow. Did have to bite tongue sometimes eg when my Dad would say they didn't eat any dinner so he gave them some ice cream.

My mums days were longer and more tiring than mine as I had commute either side of work before collecting. My mum wouldn't tell me just how tired she was but we did realise and we later did 50/50 with paid childcare. My mum wanted to be able to have a chat at the end of day before I took kids home but because of long commute I couldn't come in or stay on doorstep as getting straight home it was nearly 7 and we needed to sort our dinner and kids bath and bedtime.

I would ask what the kids had eaten etc but sometimes my mum would take it as checking on her when I just wanted to know if and what they'd eaten or if they had refused food etc

I’m the daughter. I think it has ruined my relationship with DM. We moved house partly because DM offered free childcare (there were a long list of other reasons). DC were school age with wrap around care, so it was really only drop off and pick up at 4 or 5pm and feed a max of 2 days a week, often only 1 pick up. We lived 5 minutes away. Within 2 weeks of us moving DM announced that SIL also needed childcare so she couldn’t help us on the days she was looking after SILs children. Then there were all her social activities that needed to be accommodated, so if she was swimming/Pilates/sewing she couldn’t collect the kids. Sometimes she tells me she has no food, so can I send food. You’d have to see my mums kitchen to understand how laughable this is…sometimes she says, at 7.30pm, ‘you didn’t say to feed them, so I didn’t’. Other times she just wants to have them only at her house. The list goes on. She is mostly an amazing mum, and ironically has been really helpful this week. But for the bulk of our childcare we have a nanny now…..and we moved further away.

It changed my relationship with my mum and not in a good way.

She wanted to look after Dts when I went back - she did 3 days over two weeks.

It changes the relationship with the grandparent and the grandkids, we've finally got back to an even keel where they can do stuff with gps if they want at weekends. They thought their ways were right, I thought mine were. Led to some arguments but I mostly sucked it up as I didn't pay her (did offer but was refused).

If I was to do it again I'd use formal childcare.

My parents have my sisters children. My in laws have younger BIL children.

Myself and older SIL use nursery or are at home.

For me, watching, I would say it changed the dynamic between them and my sister, them and BIL.

They become caregivers not grandparents, so with that comes a change in their relationship with grandchildren.

At things like family events, the children struggle with who is parent.

The boundaries are blurred I suppose. The nursery teacher doesn't turn up at Christmas lunch.

They get a lot of the firsts, which then causes resentment. Remember when x walked at granny's. Blah blah.

They become the contact point, school playground, play dates, etc.

So I suppose just being aware of that.

1. You forget how hard work small dc are
2. She gives you so many to dos that even a Nursery she pays wouldn't be able to accommodate
3. You don't have the same level of concern over actual safety matters (car seats, safe sleeping, weaning)
4. She begrudge that the little one doesn't nap as she needs in order for them to sleep well at night