Grandparents doing childcare: tell me the worst!

I would avoid over committing at first. That tiny adorable baby who eats and sleeps a lot and is happy to have outings to the park quickly becomes a demanding toddler needing a variety of stimulating activities which keep you on the go from morning until night. It is better to offer two days, for example, the add more if you find you can cope than to offer 3 or 4 days then want to drop down. That is an awkward conversation once the parents have begun relying on you and will then have to find more expensive childcare they hadn't expected. I have friends who look after gc part time and love it. I know others who, eager to help, offered full time care. Now they are finding it too much but don't want to say because dd took full time work because they said they could do it. An unfortunate conversation is looming and the gps fear that dd's opportunity for part time work is now gone. Best to pace yourself and see how you go on a couple of days before offering more.

You need a clear communication of how much you are prepared to do and what hours. Make sure your on the same page. You also need to follow their parenting methods.

I think its important if your doing regular childcare to respect the parents wishes for behaviour and treats. To get lo out doing learning activities and messy play as soon as they can walk and resist helicopter parenting, so many grandparents at my toddler group hover over Los not letting them try for themselves the basic things that a much younger child would experience in childcare.

What is the back up plan for when you go on holiday/ have a medical appointment/ have friends come visit etc

I’m the daughter. Mum had our little one for one day a week in term time between ages 1 and 2. It was brilliant. She is basically magic and he’d go to sleep nicely lying on his little sheepskin in the afternoon when I was at work (he would only ever nap on me if I was there), and we never had any issues. I’m still really grateful and they have a very close bond 3 years on.

inlaws live further away and have him more sporadically because of that. They have a different parenting style whereas mum and I are very similar in our approach, so it took me longer to feel relaxed when he was with them, but that’s been good for me to realise I’m not always right, and he always has a whale of a time and again, is really close to them.

I think if you all get on and respect each other it can be brilliant. I would love to have my parents next door one side and my parents in law the other, but they most inconveniently insist on having lives of their own 🤣

It will be regular full day slots but not too many.

What does this mean 1/2/3 times a week ?

or couple times a month

I do think it’s unfair to have gp do long hours and 3/4/5 days a week

toddlers and babies are tiring

if you aren’t paying then hard to in-force boundaries

you as parents need to pay for all activities nappies wipes milk food so gp aren’t out of pocket

there will be times that child sleeps and you wish they don’t at gp esp when 2/3 and then struggle to get to bed

msy have different rules on tv food manners etc

I’m the GP it depends how your relationship is now. I set my ground rules but also adhered to the parents on what my DGC were allowed, routine etc.

I love the relationship I have with DGC but it is tiring. I take them on outings, have them overnight and short breaks. I’ve taken them to appointments and even A&E and stayed in hospital overnight.

I agree it’s down to communication and there’s a fine line between providing childcare and being taken for granted. I think the parents need to understand that it’s not paid for professional care it’s looking after and caring for your child and just as parents sometimes get it wrong, so do grandparents.

May I ask why you are sharing PR ? Do you need to do this for a particular reason.

I think it's lovely your mum has offered this an an option.

Obviously that's a really personal question, feel free to ignore me !

My mother could not accept that I did not smack my DCs - we ended not speaking for the final 5 years of her life because of this issue.

respect the way they want their child to be brought up if you can’t agree then I wouldn’t do look after them

My PIL did a lot of childcare for my SIL and BIL. They became completely over involved in every aspect of their lives. Came as a package. Pushing their way into every event. Their was no special GP relationship by the time the DC hit their teens, no novelty or excitement in seeing them, just over familiarity and frustration at their continued presence and 'co-parenting'.

PIL seemed to think the massive sacrifice made over the years gave them a right to comment on everything in their lives. Have an opinion. Expect to be listened to. They saw themselves as equal parents. Strained relationships all round.

PIL are now elderly and by God they're expecting payback. SIL would like to move further afield but feels she can't. She is stuck with a future of running round after her parents and so beholden.

As we have a small house, I usually did childcare at theirs that's where all the kit was. I didn't do it very often, but followed my daughter's rules. After all they are HER children, find it really odd that other GPs think that they can do whatever they want.

I'm the mum. I've several children and quite a few grandchildren and have been providing free childcare for years.

I've never had any complaints, but it can be a very long day and tiring.

I've had to do the doctor's visits, hospital appointments, eye tests, school meetings because my DC have jobs where they can't get away. I've been puked over all day. I've rushed children to hospital. I've done a long school run as well as pushing double buggies, dog sitting, going to clubs and the park.

What's the long term outcome? I have grateful children. My DGD today told me that she loves me so much and I'm the best grandma in the world. She told me I'm beautiful and my heart is bursting. It's hard, but so worth it to have such a close relationship with my DGCs. Maybe my DC have the same parenting style as me because there's never been a clash with any of them ever.

I only worked PT but my mum did some childcare for us with our oldest in particular so that I could ride my horses etc , it worked really well for us . I got on extremely well with my mum and could be very honest if I disagreed with how she did something - and she did the same . Our son had a lovely relationship with his Nan right up until her death a few years ago when he was 26 .

DS(4) has just started full time school but my parents had him 3 days a week 8-3.

We discussed providing food/money for shopping and outings. I’m lucky as DM and I are very alike and share a similar parenting style so we never clashed about anything. I broadly explained how we were doing something e.g potty training and she would always agree to follow our lead. I also just accepted that there are things that would happen at nanny’s house that I wouldn’t allow at home (normally food related, she created a chocolate button fiend!). We also discussed giving notice of DPs holidays so DH and I could work our annual leave around it.

From our end that was the most difficult aspect was DF kept booking last minute holidays and a few times we had to hastily rearrange our work to suit. But I understood that they were living their lives and doing us a massive favour. From their side, I think the early starts were getting a bit much by the end.

Communication is really important. It’s also important for DD to have a backup plan if you are ill. Doesn’t have to be set in stone but a safety net is comforting for both of you.

Get an idea of DDs expectations. I gave DM pretty much free reign and told her I trusted her judgement. If issues cropped up we discussed and found a way around it. It would be good for both of you to confirm where the boundaries are what DDs rules are.

It worked amazingly well for us. I’m so thankful they were willing to give so much of their time. DM tells me they’re thankful they got to spend that time with him.

My Mum has my 3 children 3 full days a week, I work 12 hour shifts. She is essentially their 2nd parent as I am single and I treat her as such (my Mum is willing to have joint parental responsibility with me, were going through the court process for this). Yes, we might disagree on things, like 2 parents may do but generally it is resolved easily. We're extremely close though and parent very much the same. She has the most amazing relationship with my children and she still does 'grandma' things with them such as treat days etc. But she knows she has to limit that as she has them so regularly. It can work out well.

If you have more adult children who one day might want childcare please make sure if you agree to help one of your children you are able to help the other/s also later down the line, it causes a lot of resentments in family's when a GP offers one grown up child help and not the others.

I would actually go so far as to say a grandparent should only provide childcare for free or for pin money . Anything else is too difficult

My DM did it and I paid her like a childminder for 3 days a week

it was very positive for the DC as they had someone who really loved and cared for them

For our relationship it was negative. DM wanted the money like a professional, but she also wanted a ‘gratefulness’ as if it was a favour. This really altered the dynamic between. Between the DC and their Granny the relationship is very strong

From watching my PIL with DNs - one small adorable baby can quickly turn into two or three chaotic preschoolers. Small children are more tiring than you remember, and their routines more restrictive.

But, my DNs are now teenagers and still have a wonderful relationship with my PIL. We don't live near family, and while I'm quite glad our parents can spoil our DC etc, I do slightly regret that they don't have that easy, day-to-day relationship.

I think this is quite insightful. My in laws (I'm estranged from my own parents so they are the only grandparents my children know) really spoil the kids when they have them - chocolate spread sandwiches for lunch, ice cream after dinner every time, days out where gift shops are visited etc... this is all very occasional so it's fine, but if they did regular childcare I would have to step in because that stuff can't be every week or couple of days a week. It would sort of take the fun out of it I think. And grandparents should be for fun, mine were!

I’m the grandma. Have looked after my grandchildren for 1 day a week since they were babies, at their house. it can be exhausting but it’s also the best day of my week,

things to agree -
DD will pay for any outings I do with them eg soft play (she gives me her debit card)
I give her plenty of notice if I’m not available
I do Mondays so get bank holidays off and she’s not paying nursery fees on those days
I try to follow her “rules” eg regarding sweets, sanctions etc

My parents have my dd (2) 2 days a week - nursery 3 days. They did the same for my eldest (now 13).

It is brilliant - there are niggles as there always is with family but we've always found a way to compromise or agree. Both the girls have an amazing relationship with my parents much more so than their paternal grandparents. Looking at mum and dad in regards to some of my friend's parents the same age - it also seems to keep them a lot more active and young - they are generally out and about on their days with dd and have found whole new places in the community they participate in. I am used to going at on the Main Street on a weekend and people stopping to say hello to dd and ask where Nanna/Grandad are or be told in a cafe that isn't dd's usual order/what she likes most. It makes me glad as if they weren't doing it - she would have that experience.

I don't need it for financial reasons though so there is no pressure on my parents to continue if they didn't want to and nursery are very flexible as is my job so if there is an odd day they don't want to - I can always cover even on short notice so they don't feel the need to soldier on.

They live in my house though so no probs with different set ups!

MIL did it for our eldest for a year and like a pp said, it changed our relationship for the worst.

To be fair, she is unreliable and scatty (although very pleasant) and I was never fully on board but DH wanted to try it. She continued to be unreliable and scatty - forgetting to give him lunch, eyerolling when I tried to explain to her about his routine (to be fair I was a bit pfb if I'm being honest) and cancelling at the last minute. We had a second child quite quickly and used the mat leave as a convenient excuse to end the arrangement and have paid for childcare for our three children ever since.

As long as you are reliable, and take them seriously (even if they are being a bit uptight at first!) then you're halfway there. But I do think it affects the the dynamic a bit and means that childcare can feel like an obligation. My MIL does occasional babysitting now, at her own request, and I sense that she actually enjoys that because it's her choice rather than an 'arrangement'.

The free childcare is great but personally I think it's always better to pay someone - childminder or nursery - because then you can call she shots and it's easy to address if things aren't meeting expectations. It also means that grandparents can have a bit more control over when they offer to look after the kids and it's all a bit more flexible.

If a grandparent is offering free childcare, that's great and can mean a fab and close relationship between the child and grandparent will develop as well as saving you ££££. But you need to be clear about where your Red Lines are on the different opinions of how you look after a baby/toddler/child, and what you need to just nod and smile about. Does the grandparent acknowledge that car seats aren't just a fussy modern invention, they're both vital for safety and the law? What about things like cutting grapes in half? Or keeping hot drinks out of reach? But equally - will you be displeased if they take them to McDonalds once a week, or that they like to offer puddings after a meal when it's only fruit and yoghurt in your house. Or rules for screen time disagreements, or whether you should be home for a nap in a cot every day versus sleeping in a buggy.