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Original poster

AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

621 replies

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/06/2022 23:11

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:39

Thank you everyone for the honest replies. I did just expect more support as she was so excited throughout my pregnancy and said she’d support (but didn’t make any exact promises etc) and with her just living around the corner and not working or studying and still being fairly young and physically well I just didn’t think she’d mind having her grandchild for a few hours a few days a week but clearly that was presumptuous of me.

Think llg is you say the overlap is 2-4 so it's only two hours but it isn't, presumably you need to drop DD off and then drive to work, so it now becomes "be home by 1" and then the same at the other end. Sorry MIL, stuck in traffic, be there for 5... So she hasn't ventured far to be home on time for you and she's stuck in until DH gets to her.

You could approach her and offer to pay he. Say you've priced up full time child care and wanted to know if she'd agree to one day if you paid her half the cost

YetAnotherNameChange111 · 21/06/2022 23:11

echt · 21/06/2022 23:02

She has said she wants to help, now and then.

What the OP wants is several hours of care every weekday, hours which cut across the day, meaning she can't have a weekday to herself. Ever.

Show quote history

TBF the OP and her BF have changed it from 4 days in the original post, to 2 days in his Mr Ranty McRant post, so if we stay around long enough there may be another 50% decrease and it only be a day a week.

Problem sorted!

Lentil63 · 21/06/2022 23:11

My goodness, you are unbelievably entitled!
A grandchild is a wonderful thing which your mum was totally reasonable to celebrate but a completely different responsibility level to that of a parent.
To be clear YOU ARE BEING UTTERLY UNREASONABLE!
Your child, your responsibility. I hope that helps.

DaniCalifornication · 21/06/2022 23:09

WashMeThroughly · 21/06/2022 21:37

This thread is a laugh a minute.

If either of you is real, @Essexgurlx @Youarehorrid , you are being monstrously unreasonable in every possibly way.

You missed the BlueShoesKate user name I think around page 3 responding to a poster asking why the grandfather doesn't watch the kids. OP can't jeep up with all her multiple personalities tonight. The thread has turned into a car crash but it keeps on giving so I'm here for the deletion when MN spoil everyone's fun.

SoupDragon · 21/06/2022 23:07

As usual on here though you are monster for even thinking about it!

no, you are a monster for expecting it which is entirely different.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 21/06/2022 23:06

I think there is a difference between being emergency childcare for example and being tied committed to specific days/times.
Since she didn't offer, and you just expected unfortunately you need to find nursery/childminder/flexible working request.

My parents were clear that they would not be regular childcare, as they wanted to have freedom in their retirement and have weekends away etc. I can perfectly understand this & they are fantastic at holiday care and their homeschool was epic!

Look at tax-free childcare/childcare vouchers to reduce the bill a bit and remember the first 2 years of nursery are the worst cost wise.

HollowTalk · 21/06/2022 23:04

Personally I would be handing you your bag and coat at the door and pushing you out! I would love to look after my children's children, particularly if it wasn't for long days. As usual on here though you are monster for even thinking about it!

echt · 21/06/2022 23:02

Skidaramink · 21/06/2022 22:55

I think she is being selfish. It's so much harder these days to bring up children than it was for our parents. You would think she would want to help - I would if it were my daughter, no doubt about it.

She has said she wants to help, now and then.

What the OP wants is several hours of care every weekday, hours which cut across the day, meaning she can't have a weekday to herself. Ever.

bloodyplanes · 21/06/2022 23:02

I love my granddaughter to bits but the last thing i want to do i be lumbered with a baby to look after multiple times a week! Ive raised my children I don't want to do it again.

Beautiful3 · 21/06/2022 23:00

Congratulations. Thing is you've not even had this baby yet, so you have no idea how much hard work it will be. Your mum already knows how stressful and tied down, a baby makes you feel. She's already reared her kids, this is your baby. You are asking for too much from your mum she only wants to occasionally babysit, for the odd night out. Pay for a childminder and don't feel resentful towards your mum.

Jijithecat · 21/06/2022 23:00

Skidaramink · 21/06/2022 22:55

I think she is being selfish. It's so much harder these days to bring up children than it was for our parents. You would think she would want to help - I would if it were my daughter, no doubt about it.

Why is it harder to bring up children these days? Surely children are children.

MummyJ36 · 21/06/2022 22:59

if it’s only 2-3 hours a day would you consider a nanny? I know it sounds like an extravagance but it would actually work out less than having to pay a nursery/childminder for longer hours. Or perhaps see if anyone you know would consider a nanny share? I know people who’ve done this before successfully.

Finally, it sounds like you had a good relationship in general with your mum. Why not have a proper chat about it? I do think grandparents worry they will be saddled with all the childcare so she may just be ‘getting in early’ that she’s not willing to do it all. Perhaps ask if she might just do one day? And considering it wouldn’t even need to be a full day she might be open to it.

TwoEggOmelette · 21/06/2022 22:58

🤔

Herejustforthisone · 21/06/2022 22:57

Babies are very tedious and a bit like farts you can only stand your own

I think this might have to be the Cunt Mums © slogan.

LilyMarshall · 21/06/2022 22:56

Youarehorrid · 21/06/2022 21:47

Fuck all of you cunts you haven't read the post fully her mum is a selfish cunt I know I've met her and you're all toxic bitches if she doesn't want to help then she shouldn't make the pregnancy about herself

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Hahahahahahahaha it never takes long for misogynistic men to show their true colours, does it!

i pitty the child, if it actually exists.

Skidaramink · 21/06/2022 22:55

I think she is being selfish. It's so much harder these days to bring up children than it was for our parents. You would think she would want to help - I would if it were my daughter, no doubt about it.

ToxicCuntMum · 21/06/2022 22:55

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 21/06/2022 22:49

Nice new name

Show quote history

@PaddingtonBearStareAgain why thank you and may I say you’ve exhibited some top drawer toxic mumcuntery yourself on this thread

Mojoj · 21/06/2022 22:55

Your mum has already brought up two kids. Maybe she is happy to offer occasional babysitting but that is very different from being tied down every day with childcare. Your baby, you and your partner's responsibility.

Nothappyatwork · 21/06/2022 22:54

Id rather buy the food for them then do the childcare. Babies are very tedious and a bit like farts you can only stand your own.

my own mother was going to look after the baby two days a week, she actually asked to do that so I booked Nursery for the other three. of course after a matter of a few weeks she forgot that she had things to do on the two days that she was meant to be looking after my baby. That’s far worse than being upfront from the beginning.

MissMogwai · 21/06/2022 22:54

Just here for the deletion message to be honest.

What a shit show. Fair play to the grandma, she's got her own life to live and the original post says she will have baby now and then.

I'm a very young grandma and I do help regularly but I also work full time and have my own life now my DC are grown. My choice to babysit and I'm happy to do so, but I'm bloody nackered when my little DGC goes home. No way could I or would I offer multiple days child care a week.

CheekyHobson · 21/06/2022 22:52

Sounds like two people are very resentful that they can’t afford for one of them to be a SAHM and are projecting their bad feelings about themselves onto someone who’s not responsible for solving their problems.

FlatBottomedGirl · 21/06/2022 22:52

Afterfire · 21/06/2022 19:45

I can see why you thought she’d help more- but - as someone who is nearer to your Mums age than yours I can absolutely relate to how she feels! I wouldn’t want to do any childcare either. I mean, sure I’d enjoy the odd day here and there with my Grandchildren but it’s a completely different thing “having” to be available on set days / times. It’s a weight of responsibility and having already done my bit of raising my own two dc there’s no way I’d want to be so involved in the young child care bit again. It’s exhausting, even if you are in good health etc.

This.

It also sounds like your mum is not long out of parenting teenagers if your sibling is at university. She is maybe just rediscovering her freedom and it would be quite a thought to relinquish that.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 21/06/2022 22:49

ToxicCuntMum · 21/06/2022 22:47

I should have been asleep an hour ago

on the plus side I’ve got a shiny new username out of it

please be here in the morning thread

Nice new name

ToxicCuntMum · 21/06/2022 22:47

I should have been asleep an hour ago

on the plus side I’ve got a shiny new username out of it

please be here in the morning thread

MontanaMountains · 21/06/2022 22:47

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/06/2022 22:39

I cant understand it. I'm 60 and would definitely help out if my DS and DiL had a baby. I had a baby at 20 and my sahm mother refused to do any childcare so I had to go without food to pay for childcare.
There is nothing I'd like better than a grandchild to care for. I just don't understand some people.

Every day? You would tie yourself to every day? I suppose it's easy to say you would. My inlaws said "Oh yes, we'll have little one every Wednesday". Great, I thought. After two weeks it was "Now we can't have her next week as we're out that day." I had to tell them nurseries don't work like that, I can't just book her in for an extra day here and there. Their childcare Wednesdays were very shortlived.