AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

4 Days is an awful lot. And with those hours it completely ties her down and makes organising any activity or day out or even lunch with a friend hard to arrange. You may find she is willing to help out 1 or 2 days if she knows she isn’t expected to cover all of your shortfall. It was, in the nicest possible way, self absorbed to expect she would jump at the opportunity to do this.

My mum lives 200 miles away. Two of my sisters still live in my hometown and yes, they made assumptions that my mum would provide childcare. Now, my mum did not help herself in this situation at all and allowed it to happen but she admitted to me that my children feel like her grandchildren - but my sisters' younger children don't feel that way to her. She hasn't admitted it but I think she actually resents a lot of the time she has lost. Her and my dad really disagreed about it actually - he said that he thought they'd raised their kids and was expecting to enjoy some freedom, not be tied down to more children, albeit their grandchildren.

My nephew is autistic so it was actually a really big assumption that they would look after him everyday.

I have no intention of looking after a gc regularly. Ad hoc and emergency babysitting, no problem. But having done the hard child rearing days, I’m not prepared to go through that again. One, I’m older and have less energy, two, I just don’t want to. Having experienced not being tied down anymore, I just don’t want to lose that freedom.

Unfortunately the one thing you can’t do as a parent is assume something .
you can’t even assume you’ll return to work after the baby’s born. What if they have extra needs or you’re not well.
You can’t expect your mum to change her lifestyle to help you. It may only be for a couple of hours a day but that still dictates her whole daily schedule.
I returned to work when mine started the 15 free hours at 2yrs 9 months.
i couldn’t have done it before then because I had no family help and there’s no way I would put a baby in a crèche.

This.

i had my dd at 23 as a single parent. I never expected my DM to provide child care. It’s not her job. I had to find a job where I could afford child care fees.

Absolutely this, and many of the other posts are also in tune with the same sentiment. You might find that when the baby is born, your mum will help willingly and generously, but to tie yourself down to a planned expectation, when you have already "done your time" as a Mum is unacceptable. She does have a life of her own, and is entitled to it. She has provided you with her boundaries, and that is fair - and of course she can be happy and delighted and I hope you will both enjoy that as the time gets nearer.

You need to explain why its so much harder these days than it was for our parents? I'm a grandmother and I had to juggle baby and work when mine were little, and nobody helped me, but then I didn't expect them to.

I am a young grandmother myself and I have little interest in being tied to a regular childcare commitment. I do what I can to help on my terms, I adore hanging out with them, I'd always move heaven and earth in an emergency but I don't want a regular slot. I've got my own life to live too. It is absolutely no reflection on how I feel about them. I adore them. Just a different perspective maybe

What? How is it harder for us?

Is 'Cunt Mums' out on Netflix yet? Who will play OP I wonder?

The detail in it. 🙌🏻

I know. THAT is an expertly done thread none of this in-your-face goady "fuck off you toxic cunt mums" malarkey.
The op of this thread should take notes.

Hi op. It sure would be lovely to have that help, I sympathise, I and DH have no help and it's expensive and very stressful. That being said, I don't see myself ever offering to do this for grandkids when the time comes. I am raising my own kids now, it's very hard and I don't want to have to do it again, even in small doses of 2 hours a day. It's only 2 hours but it means your Mum is tied down 4 days a week, for at least 4 years. Longer if you still need help when they go to school. That's a really REALLY big ask of anyone. I imagine that there are loads of grandparents out there who very much love their children and grandchildren but just don't want to make that commitment and have that workload for years on end (and small kids are lovely but hard work). I hope you can feel better about this because I don't think it's any reflection on how your Mum feels about you or baby. Good luck. p.s. time does fly once you have a child, blink and this phase of nursery will have passed. It's not forever, don't feel too disheartened.

Oh wow. The M&S one is tremendous.

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family. @Tilltheend99 so I shouldn't have kids unless I'm prepared to babysit my grandkids?? I was 38 when I had my lads, if they're a similar age that's 76+. So if they have twins that could be four toddlers I've got at 80. And I shouldn't have had them unless I was prepared for this??

It occues to me that your mum might change her mind when baby is here.
You need to make other arrangements now for certain but if things work out well she might fall in love with baby and want to spend more time with him or her.

Maybe to move away from this specific scenario, it's quite interesting that nearly everyone thinks childcare is personal responsibility, and yet on many other threads talk about it needing greater government intervention. All government money is our money, tax money. So why's it OTOH all the OPs problem (admittedly the attitude is), and yet in similar scenarios where people can't afford to work because childcare is too expensive, that is a social problem and a feminist problem, which the government should take seriously if it takes women's equality seriously? She's a graduate who may well now never be able to go into her chosen field, I didn't see what it was but many graduate track jobs are full time or nothing. So basically, she can either have a career and refund us taxpayers the student loans over the income threshold, or she can sack it all off and lump us all with the unpaid loans - why is that a better option for anyone? I find it kind of sad that they've gone ahead with having a baby so young, and are more or less confronted with "should've binned it because it's a burden if you can't pay". I dunno, just seems really harsh.

I can't believe this thread is still going.

And there's an M&S one , you say...

So selfish and entitled.

This thread and the M &S one have made my night. I'm sad they'll both be gone by the morning

How would any of that be beneficial to the OPs mother.

When negotiating you actually need to have something the other party wants.

Looks like OP has sweet FA to offer

Gosh, it's almost like women have got a taste for having a life of their own. Bet you don't include grandfathers in that grandparents reference, do you? They're always off the hook.

A similar thing happened to my sister although she was a single mum. My sister would get jobs in childcare settings so she could bring her daughter until she was old enough for school and then my sister worked her way up in her degree profession. My sister has been amazing - she started off with childcare support but worked hard and came off that putting her daughter through private school and buying a house.

oh im so torn on this one!
im an orphan, lost both my parents by the time I turned 11. I have two children and with no extra help from a mother figure I have struggled but six years in I’m doing alright. I’m a stay at home mum and it’s hard work!!! (My husband works full Time to support is) I’ve worked in senior positions, worked my way up from the age of 16 yet being a sahm has truly tested me so part of me thinks yeah yeah she’s done her stint why should she take on another child but the other half, maybe slightly more than half would love to support my daughter in this position, I always think if my mum was still here she’s have helped out so much! And I’d like to do that for my daughter despite the effort and mind numbing repetition of it all (love my children but I’m being honest 😂)
in conclusion I’m inclined to agree with you, maybe speak to her about it and maybe set up half a week with her half in nursery? For those few hours? I assume she wants the best for you but equally feels done with that phase of her life. Maybe 50/50 would be a good compromise with a review after a year or so, that way she’s not signing up for eternity kind of thing and it gives you a chance to climb the career ladder and earn more.
i don’t think joes unreasonable but Neither is she, there must be a way forward that’s beneficial for both of you x wishing you the best of luck my dear x

It is a bit odd that she wouldn't even do say one afternoon a week since she isn't working, if I lived close to my parents I think they would help me a bit, and it would give her a chance to bond with dgc on her own . But I wouldn't have ever expected every afternoon , that is too much of a tie and means she wouldn't have ever been able to plan full days out during the week. She probably has some hobbies/ friends to keep up with and wouldn't want to sacrifice that. Small children are very tiring so every day even just the afternoon would be a lot to take on.

I think you just have to accept this, it's her decision , and organise some childcare. A childminder or a nanny might be a better option as you will probably have to pay for an entire half day with a nursery, even just for two hours.