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Original poster

AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

621 replies

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Masonia · 22/06/2022 02:02

I can see it from both sides; yes, it’s not “your mums kid” and she never “signed up” to look after a child but she’s still family at the end of the day and your family should help you out when you’re in need. I think I would be frustrated knowing that she has no other responsibilities and lots of time on her hands to look after the baby yet has said she won’t do it.

Bit of a tricky one!

KosherDill · 22/06/2022 01:33

IncompleteSenten · 21/06/2022 19:38

What would I do?
I would accept and respect my mum's decision and understand that she doesn't actually owe me childcare.

I would feel really sad that she didn't want to because I think families should want to be there for each other and help each other but I would keep that to myself and keep reminding myself I have no entitlement to childcare from her and I would make other arrangements.

Her mother was "there for her " in all the years she raised her.

KosherDill · 22/06/2022 01:31

Buzzer3555 · 21/06/2022 19:34

It's tough but your mum has been honest so there is not a lot you can do. She is not obliged to look after the child. Personally I think she is being a bit selfish but like i said you cant force her

In what way is she being selfish??

KosherDill · 22/06/2022 01:27

You chose to produce the child. Your responsibility.

Your mother is right to enjoy the leisure time she's earned.

OnAWobblyFence · 22/06/2022 01:22

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family.

Jesus fucking Christ! Are you for real? So, your mother when she got pregnant was not only supposed to consider the child she was bringing into the world but also her grandchildren. What if your mother also got pregnant “unexpectedly”?

So, according to you, it’s ok for you to shag your boyfriend like there’s no tomorrow because your mother is responsible for caring for any children that might result. You need a different hobby. And why does your rule of being responsible for your grandchildren only apply to your mother and not you? You didn’t even think about how you would care for this one, let alone grandchildren, when you pulled your knickers off.

Just when you think you’ve seen it all….

ManateeFair · 22/06/2022 01:14

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:39

Thank you everyone for the honest replies. I did just expect more support as she was so excited throughout my pregnancy and said she’d support (but didn’t make any exact promises etc) and with her just living around the corner and not working or studying and still being fairly young and physically well I just didn’t think she’d mind having her grandchild for a few hours a few days a week but clearly that was presumptuous of me.

Why on earth would you assume that just because she is fit and well, and isn’t sufficiently busy for your liking, it would be reasonable to assume she would provide you with regular childcare? She’s spent most of her adult life caring for her own kids, and the moment she has some freedom from that you assumed she’d just give that up to look after your kid several times a week for ‘a few hours’? Why on earth should she? She’s done her parenting years. She probably wants her days and her house to herself without having to factor in childcare arrangements every time she needs to do something.

Pallisers · 22/06/2022 01:07

My little family are always there for each other.

yeah that's how most of us live our lives tbh. But I don't expect my dil - or sil - or my children to sacrifice their lives to mine when I am 80 and falling over and need 1:1 care 24/7. If it doesn't severely impact, yeah fine. If it does, no way. Ditto with childcare.

LovePoppy · 22/06/2022 01:05

Cherryblossoms85 · 21/06/2022 23:28

Maybe to move away from this specific scenario, it's quite interesting that nearly everyone thinks childcare is personal responsibility, and yet on many other threads talk about it needing greater government intervention. All government money is our money, tax money. So why's it OTOH all the OPs problem (admittedly the attitude is), and yet in similar scenarios where people can't afford to work because childcare is too expensive, that is a social problem and a feminist problem, which the government should take seriously if it takes women's equality seriously? She's a graduate who may well now never be able to go into her chosen field, I didn't see what it was but many graduate track jobs are full time or nothing. So basically, she can either have a career and refund us taxpayers the student loans over the income threshold, or she can sack it all off and lump us all with the unpaid loans - why is that a better option for anyone? I find it kind of sad that they've gone ahead with having a baby so young, and are more or less confronted with "should've binned it because it's a burden if you can't pay". I dunno, just seems really harsh.

For me, child care is a social issue.

however, the answer isn’t forcing older female family members to fill the void

CJsGoldfish · 22/06/2022 01:05

Assuming any of this is real...
'That' was the best you could do as a father for your child? 😳
I now understand completely why your mother does not want to take on the childcare.
🤷‍♀️

Pallisers · 22/06/2022 01:04

OP don't bother with your mum - so useless- just ask your dad to mind the baby instead. He is probably at the age where he can retire or go parttime - especially considering you will be on maternity leave for a while - and I'm sure he'd love to lock into a commitment of minding a baby/toddler a few days a week. Or alternatively ask your FIL maybe? He could be up for it I'm sure.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/06/2022 01:04

What happened to family? I live with my DS and DiL, we choose to live together. I have no partner, brought DS up on my own, of course I'd help out with the baby. Just as they will help me not to fall on my face when i'm 80 odd.
That's what family are for.
I have no feelings for my own family who moved abroad leaving me in boarding school for years and then to manage on my own as a single mum aged 20 then returned to the UK when they were old expecting me to look after them - I didn't. I barely recognised them..
That's entitled if you want entitled, totally absent parents who expect you to run around after them when they get old.
My little family are always there for each other.

LovePoppy · 22/06/2022 01:02

But she is supporting you.

she’s just not giving you what you want.

my mother was overjoyed at her first grandchild, she was also VERY clear that she had her own life.

i respected that and got a childminder. I was never unsupported

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2022 00:54

Skidaramink · 21/06/2022 22:55

I think she is being selfish. It's so much harder these days to bring up children than it was for our parents. You would think she would want to help - I would if it were my daughter, no doubt about it.

How exactly is it harder?

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2022 00:50

Skidaramink · 21/06/2022 22:55

I think she is being selfish. It's so much harder these days to bring up children than it was for our parents. You would think she would want to help - I would if it were my daughter, no doubt about it.

Well that's nice if you're happy about it.

But do you know one downside?

I don't always feel like their grandmother as I fulfil a parenting role so often.

snooze987 · 22/06/2022 00:45

I don't agree with anyones comments you would assume she would want to help out and they don't.

There ain't no village for us! Just got to get in with it!

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 22/06/2022 00:37

So is it 2 days or not? Is it still important?

User2145738790 · 22/06/2022 00:30

FemmeNatal · 22/06/2022 00:22

Is it really normal in the UK? I don’t know anyone who’s decided to have children at such an age, only two of my husband’s relatives who both didn’t plan it.

Is it not normal to wait to get married and start a family?

Show quote history

<head tilt>

<Tinkly laugh>

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 22/06/2022 00:28

@FemmeNatal are you for real?

FemmeNatal · 22/06/2022 00:22

slashlover · 22/06/2022 00:12

I don’t know anyone who chose to have children so young, so assumed, like the OP, that it mustn’t have been planned. Did you not want to get established in your career first? It’s very young to be married and a parent.

What a nasty, judgemental post @FemmeNatal

Is it really normal in the UK? I don’t know anyone who’s decided to have children at such an age, only two of my husband’s relatives who both didn’t plan it.

Is it not normal to wait to get married and start a family?

Applesandroses · 22/06/2022 00:19

Your mother is not responsible for the results of your contraceptive error

Musti · 22/06/2022 00:18

Two hours every day would really cut into her schedule. Many peoples salary go on childcare when they are young and you just have to suck it up. I had to become a sahm after I had my second as it didn’t make financial or practical sense. Even if my parents had lived closer, they wouldn’t have wanted to provide such frequent childcare.

slashlover · 22/06/2022 00:12

I don’t know anyone who chose to have children so young, so assumed, like the OP, that it mustn’t have been planned. Did you not want to get established in your career first? It’s very young to be married and a parent.

What a nasty, judgemental post @FemmeNatal

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/06/2022 00:11

It sounds like you are juggling a lot OP, but, why should you mother look after your baby? She doesn’t want her entire day disrupted by a few hours of childcare, her kids are grown up and she wants her own life. Apart from this, at 50, you are more than half way through your life, your remaining healthy years are precious.

You chose to have a baby at a life stage where you aren’t set up for it. You didn’t have to do that.

Find some way to fork out childcare if you can, it’s important to get your career going if possible.

RaspberryParfait · 22/06/2022 00:10

What an entitled OP. I feel sorry for your mum as her refusal (damn right) to be responsible for her adult daughter’s choices will probably show in resentment to her.

Every month you’re paying the £1k a month you’ll be thinking you shouldn’t have to pay it because your mum is sitting at home doing nothing and she should be your free childcare! You obviously have that mindset now.

I have raised 4 DC, had oldest at 24, then twins (very unexpectedly) which meant I couldn’t afford to work at all as childcare for the two of them alone was £1600, that was 20 years ago. Never did I think that my mother had an obligation to provide childcare because she didn’t work! The most help we ever had was a 10 day holiday that we left the twins with her for and a week one summer in 2008 that she asked to have them for. Two instances in 25 years which was a bit shit but still they were our DC not hers although I would do better for my own DC.

I’m the same age as your mum. My oldest is 25 and may have DC in the next few years and I will be happy to have grandchildren for a weekend a month (on a rota though depending how many of my DC have them!), once a year or so if they want a child free holiday and for the odd emergency or illness but no way would I commit to having them for several days a week even if I wasn’t working. I have my own life to live, done enough of raising DC.

Dita73 · 22/06/2022 00:03

Good for your mum. I became a grandparent at 41 and I was thrilled. I adore my grandson but there’s no way I’d do regular childcare. I’ve had my children and I chose not to have anymore as it’s bloody hard work. It hasn’t been long,or certainly doesn’t seem it, since I did the baby and child thing and now I have my own time. I don’t work either,not that it matters as it’s my time and I’ll choose what I do with it. You’ve made the decision to have a baby so get on with it. Get your partner to work more than four days a week and then you can book a nursery place