AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

Hold on, so your DP will get home after midnight then look after the baby until around 2 then go to work until midnight again?

Also 2 until 4, 4 days in a row is a very annoying time if she has plans ans clubs etc. My mum would never have committed to that and doubt I would either.

Having your own independent childcare arrangements that don't involve having to negotiate with your family for cover could be amazing in terms of allowing you to make your own independent choices about your work hours etc.
Definitely look into what you want from a childcare provider, if you're paying for it at least that gives you the freedom to pick and choose what will suit YOU and your ambitions. But do it now, don't make the assumption that the nursery nearest you will have places when you need them. There can long waiting lists so it's great that you've got chance to start looking now.

OP should have instead asked her Father for a wad of cash for her helping out instead of asking for hard labour .💰

Annnnnnddddd people still haven't RTFT (or even the last 5 pages)

But being excited about her grandchild is one thing to you assuming that her life will now be dictated by the needs of your household.

Why should she be responsible for your childcare needs? It would be wonderful if she'd chosen to, but that's not the case.

You chose to have a baby. You've chosen to return ft. So now you and your oh need to make some decisions about how to move forward as a unit. Not being reliant on others for matters that should be resolved by you as a unit.

As for her not working, volunteering etc, that's also irrelevant as she's entitled to decide how to spend her time and has raised her own children!

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family.

This is crazy. The expectation is very entitled. But OK, another reason not to have children. I quite like having my own life.

I do feel a bit sorry for OP. The pregnancy was unplanned and I suspect she looked at her mum doing "nothing" all day (basically OP's words) and figured she would love to step into the childcare gap. And OP has no doubt spent the pregnancy imagining a lovely idyllic life where she works and her mum looks after the child (who sleeps through the night from an early age and is super well behaved) and all is well with the world. And it's a shock because that illusion has been shattered and she's left with reality and adjusting to it and realising that actually having a child will make her life harder in ways she hadn't appreciated.

She's not the only new mum who didn't understand how much work and all consuming a baby would be. And as she's not experienced it yet, she probably doesn't yet appreciate how just having time and space to do whatever you want even if other people don't perceive it to be massively important is. Not wishing to sound patronising, but OP is young and this might be the first time that she's realised that parents aren't just there to do whatever you want. I cried when I discovered that too - not because they weren't there, but because of my shattered childhood beliefs.

Funny how you can’t expect any support from parents yet when they get elderly/ill you will most likely be expected to support them ……

When threads like this say "families" help each other out, "families" look after the children/grandchildren/fred the goldfish what they actually mean is "women".

Its women who do the overwhelming bulk of all this free labour, its women whose time you are dismissing as of little value. In this fiction the DGM isn't in paid work and whatever else she does is dismissed as valueless and she is fit only to provide free services around childcare.
Women must have no aspirations or interest of their own - just permanent on tap free care services for anyone who needs it.

Yes families do try to help each other out but there is a world of difference between being backup support, a bit of baby sitting, dropping off the elderly relatives shopping and the regular, time consuming and tiring commitment which is regular, scheduled care.

My mum helps me out a lot since I became a single mum. She's retired and I. Her 60s. Deep down I know that she probably wants to be doing other things but she's supporting me and my sons SO much and as the youngest is starting nursery and my eldest is at school that support is going to be less and less. It's not permanent. I think it's a shame that your mum isn't willing to help you. And no she's not obliged too at all, but it's a shame she doesn't.

I'm 52 and there's no way I would provide regular childcare for anyone. I paid for full time nursery when my DC was born and it was hard to find the money, but absolutely worth it. You have time to get ready, so start looking at nurseries now and put your name down for the one you like

It wouldn't be just 2-4 though. It'd be buffer/collection drop off either side so more like 1-5 at least. That's her whole afternoon.

I think the big problem is you're expecting multiple days. It doesn't matter that it's a few hours in those days; you're basically expecting her to have her week ruled by your childcare needs. Is there any way you could ask her to do say one full day?
I'm a bit older than your mum and in a similar position and those arrangements you've quoted wouldn't appeal to me. But a full day every week would be lovely!
Fwiw my mum and mother in law never offered or did any childcare for us. I accepted that. Despite them doing it for my sister and in laws!

Why selfish? Mum had said she’ll do some baby’s sitting etc, just not the regular unpaid childcare???

I'm 50 and a really committed mother to my DC (now early 20s) I really do see it as my job to support them any way I can.

I'm still working, but if I wasnt I wouldn't offer more than one or two days pw and even that wound be on the understanding that if I had other plans (holiday etc) they have to make alternative arrangements. I don't want to be turning down invitations because I've committed to do unpaid work.

It sounds like your mum might be good emergency childcare and that will be invaluable.

I've been there every day for my three kids in all sorts of myriad ways - I've been their constant for the last 2 and a bit decades and have put a lot of my own wants and needs to one side on many occasions to ensure they have what they need and want. I love my children. I will love my grandchildren too but my child-rearing days are almost over and I'm exhausted. I'm 53 in a month. I can't wait for sone 'me' time.

When my kids have kids, I will look forward to time in the park and ice creams and baking and jumping in muddy puddles and cuddles and snuggles with my grandchildren as a treat and to give my own kids a break now and then, and as much as I feel able. But the thought of that daily slog again, of relentless childcare week in and week out meaning I can't ever enjoy my time as I choose now my own kids have grown?

No thanks. Loving your grandchildren doesn't automatically mean free childcare. Fair enough if someone wants to, but it is not a given.

And as for the 'partner' on this thread - are you sure you're mature enough to become a parent? What a loon!!!

It’s tough OP but ultimately your dc is not your dm’s responsibility.

I think your dm is selfish for letting your df work two jobs whilst doing nothing herself.

😂

Is it weird that this thread was the first thing I thought of when I woke up 😂😂😂

But she chose to have a child knowing full well that child might have their own child one day. She should have factored that in when she made her own decision about wanting a family.

I've heard it all now!!! What a ridiculous statement.

"A few hours a few days a week" is a LOT of childcare. Even one day a week is a big commitment: it means you're always on the hook. It means you can't go on a week-long trip without someone complaining that they've had to change their plans for you. It means if you're sick or just tired, you have to make sure you have energy left over to take care of someone who needs hands-on care. You say you are early 20s, that means your mother only recently got her own time back. You sound fairly entitled: you assumed she would be your regular childcare, you think asking her to do a few hours a few days a week, is no big deal. If she doesn't do regular childcare (which is actually a HUGE ask on your part), you feel she is not supporting you. Maybe your mum just needs a break from being treated as the least important person in her own life.

Would you think it was selfish if your mum just up & expected you to come over & clean her house for 6 hours a day every Saturday & Sunday & commit to doing it for several years for free because she didn't want to pay for a cleaner?
After all, you are family, surely you should 'want' to do it.

How many hours a week for the past few years have you given her in unpaid work?

Why do you think childcare (a career people train to do) should be a freebie for you, but everything you do should give you a wage?

Your mothers free time is not yours to use up, or even your business.

Why should she 'want' to do a decade long job just because you had sex?

The "need" is self inflicted and there are myriad ways to meet the need besides prevailing on the time of a woman who's paid her dues and who had zero say in the appearance of this child.

What a palaver.