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Original poster

AIBU- mum refusing to help with childcare when I return to work.

621 replies

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
CinnamonJellyBeans · 21/06/2022 21:39

@Sparklybutold Of course the mum doesn't have to do anything for her daughter, but why shouldn't she? Your daughter is your daughter for life.

balalake · 21/06/2022 21:38

It would be unreasonable if your mother had offered and then withdrawn, or made some strange conditions. I would ask your mother to stop posting about her grandchild on social media (indeed would ask this even if the support was different).

RaspberryChouxBuns · 21/06/2022 21:37

How does that thing on TikTok go?

"Here comes the consequences of my actions chasing me right now."

I'm with your Mum I'm afraid. Time to grow up and take on your responsibilities. Every parent in the country faces the same issue. Good luck.

OurChristmasMiracle · 21/06/2022 21:37

Maybe your mum loves the idea of a grandchild and being able to be a grandparent but not the idea of providing regular childcare which would tie her down for the next 4 years of her life- and even after that what about school pick ups and drop off etc? it’s a lot to commit to on a regular basis and I don’t blame her for saying she doesn’t mind helping out occasionally but can’t provide regular childcare

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 21/06/2022 21:37

@MigsandTiggs If you RTFT Youarehorrid is the father and has quite a lot to say

WashMeThroughly · 21/06/2022 21:37

This thread is a laugh a minute.

If either of you is real, @Essexgurlx @Youarehorrid , you are being monstrously unreasonable in every possibly way.

saraclara · 21/06/2022 21:36

Nowhere has OP said that it's for two days a week. She said multiple days for a couple of hours each time.

DogsAndGin · 21/06/2022 21:36

Sorry OP, but you need a reality check. You’re an independent adult now, your mum doesn’t have any responsibilities for you or baby.

I remember being the same age as you and it was a harsh realisation when my Mum was suddenly not ‘there’ anymore. So, I sympathise, but YABU and you’ll get used to it. You’re not being hard done by.

GrazingSheep · 21/06/2022 21:36

Ah give over now and stop being silly

diddl · 21/06/2022 21:36

Hello, I'm this mothers partner and she's been in bed crying for the last few hours because of you fucking wankers it's for 2 days a week and her spoiled mum who does fuck all says she won't help. LISTEN WHEN I SAY THIS YOU ARE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE AND SHOULDN'T HAVE CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN IF THATS HOW YOU THINK AND ACT!

If that's what you think of your partner's mum-why would you want her to look after your baby?

Youarehorrid · 21/06/2022 21:35

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

Dick head mums I hope your kids wake you up every hour tonight.

GrazingSheep · 21/06/2022 21:35

*I hope all of the horrible mums on this shit app stand on your kids Lego tonight.

How about you grow up.

Kite22 · 21/06/2022 21:35

Waterfallgirl · 21/06/2022 20:36

I’ll be excited when my grandchildren arrive, but I won’t be offering childcare. I have my own life.
I think your mum is being honest up front, she never promised and so, whilst you are disappointed you cannot criticise her at all.
YABVU (and quite entitled).

Same here.

I worked damned hard being a parent when my dc were small. I am not going to start doing that all over again when I am a Grandparent, I am going to really enjoy being a grandparent..... having fun with the dc, treating them, and helping my dc out on an adhoc basis with some babysitting. It is a COMPLETELY different role from being a childminder.

MigsandTiggs · 21/06/2022 21:34

Youarehorrid · 21/06/2022 21:01

It's for 2 days a week

Show quote history

It's not 2 days a week but the 4 days when the father will be at work too and it's not 2-4pm as the OP thinks, as she didn't factor in travel to/from work time. It could end up being 3-4hrs a day, 4 times a week.

Darbs76 · 21/06/2022 21:34

I can understand your disappointment given your mum has free time and is so excited about the baby. Especially given it’s only a couple of hours. That said when your kids get to 18 you’ve been restricted by kids / school runs etc for so long that you do want that bit of freedom. Can you speak to her and ask if she could commit to one day per week? That’s something at least

Sparklybutold · 21/06/2022 21:34

@CinnamonJellyBeans but why should she? Her youthfulness and free time is for her to enjoy as she wants to. If she wanted to look after her grabdkid then that should come from her. I feel the mum jas stated her boundaries and she is perfectly entitled to this. She has already raised her own family, why should she be expected to do it again?

Youarehorrid · 21/06/2022 21:33

Essexgurlx · 21/06/2022 19:28

Hello,
I am in my early 20s and fell pregnant unexpectedly a couple of months after finishing university and starting my professional career.
I have a partner of 5 years.
We decided to continue with the pregnancy despite it not being the best time in my life in respect to me newly graduating and starting my career!
My family were delighted when we told them.
My mum is a healthy fifty year old woman and hasn’t worked outside the home since she was around mid 20s and had me and my sibling and became a SAHM. She has lots of free time now as me and my sibling have both flown the nest and she does not plan to return to any work, does not study and does not volunteer etc.
My sibling is younger at university and will not be having children anytime soon.
I am going to be returning to work early next year and want to return full time. In my area full time nursery places are at least £1000 per month and I (stupidly now I realise) just expected my mum to offer to care for my baby multiple days a week.
My partner works 4 days per week in shift patterns where they would be overlap between our working hours but not to the extent of a full day. So for example I would work 7am-4pm and he would work 2pm-12pm meaning my mum would only need to provide child care 2-4pm not for full days or anything like that. My mum has made it clear she “doesn’t want to be tied down with a child” and is only interested in caring for her grandchild “every now and again”. She has asked me multiple times what my plan is for nursery care.
I am now feeling so stressed at how much nursery fees are going to cost.
My partner’s parents both work full time Monday to Friday similar hours to me so they can’t support but I think they would if they could and my dad is very busy with 2 jobs and not a lot of spare time at all. There is no other family to care for the baby while I am at work so I will have to put her in nursery or to a childminder.
AIBU to feel upset and let down by my mother?
I just expected more support from her- especially as she was so excited to have this first grandchild gloating to all her friends, posts about my baby all over her social media and threw a lavish baby shower inviting everyone she knew for her to now turn around and basically say she isn’t offering any support.
What would you do in this situation?

I hope all of the horrible mums on this shit app stand on your kids Lego tonight.

Sparklybutold · 21/06/2022 21:31

Fwiw - I am a sahm and my daughter is in nursery one day a week as I study part time. I often see grandparents out and our conversations frequently involves how tired they feel owing to their childcare duties.

PortalooSunset · 21/06/2022 21:31

Youarehorrid · 21/06/2022 21:03

Read the question it's for 2 days

Show quote history

2 days. A week. At least until the child is at school (and even then I'm assuming they'd expect holiday cover). It's not just 2 days is it?

iwishiwasafish · 21/06/2022 21:31

@Youarehorrid you are acting like an toddler. Surely you want to console your crying partner rather than ranting at randoms on t’internet?

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 21/06/2022 21:30

CinnamonJellyBeans · 21/06/2022 21:29

I think that while your mum is not obliged, she is being stingy by not offering to help out maybe two days a week, especially as she is young, fit and not working. A nicer mum would help you more.

Well if the DM sees what OPs partner has said about her, I doubt her position will change.

Londoncallingme · 21/06/2022 21:30

For a couple of hours here and there you’d think she’d want to look after her first grandchild. My mother helped a lot with all of mine whilst I was working and fidvyests of school runs. I’m 55 now and retired at 50 so loads of free time CAN NOT WAIT to look after my grandchild if and when it arrives! In fact if you’re near St Albans I’ll help with yours for practice! 🤣

MolliciousIntent · 21/06/2022 21:29

IWasFunBeforeMum · 21/06/2022 21:28

And this is why so many women don't work.

Because they're too stupid to actually ask the person they're expecting free childcare from if they're willing to give up multiple days a week to babysit?! You sure?

CinnamonJellyBeans · 21/06/2022 21:29

I think that while your mum is not obliged, she is being stingy by not offering to help out maybe two days a week, especially as she is young, fit and not working. A nicer mum would help you more.

Sparklybutold · 21/06/2022 21:28

@Essexgurlx

Are you a doctor? Honestly - the level of entitlement in your post is shocking. Your child, your responsibility. Your mum owes you nothing.