Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

She's bullshitting you in an (apparently successful) attempt to guilt trip you to excuse her own bad behaviour.

She’s totally playing you!
she either read or saw a video and now she’s blaming you for being a teen!
i don’t know the statistics but I bet you the majority of the world population has had someone else to look after them on their early childhood - ok, they can be grandparents or aunts… and go back a hundred years, young parents were either working or too posh to look after their own kids…
as long as the other adults on their lives are loving there’s no damage, haven’t she heard that it takes a village?
if you’re paying for the therapist… I would suggest ask for your money back

Another one saying ignore her bullshit! I've got two DCs in their 20s and one of them went through this at about 16-17yrs - found all manner of things in his childhood that had 'harmed him' apparently - going to nursery, having an au pair, nasty dinner ladies etc. It was all part of the teenage blame the parents while you begin the separation from them process.
A few years later it had all passed and he admitted he loved his one afternoon when the au pair picked him up from school because they went to the park and had ice cream (not something nasty mummy did regularly!). In fact he's still in touch with his au pair now on FB!

I’ve mentioned this before on other Threads. My two were in full time child care from 7:30 to 17:30 every day u Tim they started school then had wrap around care. Their only recollection is that there were pet ducks and geese. That’s it. Their next memories are well into primary school.

Nah. I don't believe her. Teenage girls are incredibly manipulative (don't know about teenage boys, I have little experience of them). She's recognised your own guilt around this and gone in for the kill.

Would love to know where her dad is in all this.

I smell bullshit. She can’t possibly remember being 2 years old and left behind.
There‘s something going on now, but don’t go blaming yourself about past, because that is not the reason.

You didn't do anything wrong. She 17 and trying to hurt you.

I was looked after by a nanny growing up. I sailed through my teens, more or less, and have a great relationship as an adult with my parents. My DH’s mum was a SAHP, his DB totally went off the rails as a teen, and neither feels loved by their mother or has any sort of meaningful relationship with her now. It’s very sad.

I definitely agree with PPs that your DD is either finding ways to hurt you, because she’s a teenager; or else (or in addition) is really suffering but has misidentified the root cause. Do try to get her help, but don’t feel guilty about having used childcare in the early years.

This poster may be onto something. Did childcare as the root of her problems come from her or you? And if her, have you ever mentioned to her why you gave up work?

FWIW, I have a memory from being 2.5 but it is a memory of one hugely traumatic and distressing event. My next earliest memory is from being about 4.5.

My mum went back to work and left me with a nanny when I was 6mo old. a few months later, the nanny wasn't watching when I fell out of my highchair and broke my leg. And the nanny didn't realise I had a broken leg for 2 days. Now that is probably neglect. But I don't remember it, I don't blame my parents and I don't love them any less.

My own kids were in nursery (much less attention than a nanny) and later with a nanny from 6 months - 5 years. They are both secure & loving & haven't complained.

In short - your daughter is creating problems and blaming you for something that DOES NOT MATTER. Your daughter may well be hurting now and be unhappy about something. But there is a 99% chance that the nanny is not the cause and you are not the cause. She is unhappy about something else and has found a good way to blame you.

Do give her love and attention, do help her find a therapist who can talk through this properly but don't take on the guilt. you did nothing wrong.

Ah, once again mothers being guilt-tripped while dads get a free pass.

I agree that I don't think two years or however long of a nanny, assuming she wasn't abusive or neglectful in some way, will have done any harm to an well-balanced child with parents who love and care for her. The nanny is a stick to beat you with, and I'd be surprised if any mental health professional is encouraging it as I highly doubt it's going to get to the root of her problems that way.

I agree with PP that why only you, is at fault in her view? does she blame daddy too?
Teenagers are difficult anyway. I do think she found something you feel guilty about and using it to get her own way.

Your daughter has decided that this issue is the root of her problems. She may in good faith genuinely believe this to be true, but that doesn't mean it IS true (unless the nanny mistreated her in ways that you have not mentioned). It is a narrative that she is telling to explain her difficulties. The teenage years are difficult for many girls, whatever childcare arrangements were in place when they were little.

I recommend Untangled by Lisa Damour as a good book about understanding teen girls. I have a teen DD myself btw.

Mine was in childcare from 11 months and he's now a teenager with no mental health issues and we have a generally good relationship. This is not because of the nanny.
unless you literally let the nanny get her up and put her to bed and never saw her other than days off? That could have felt pretty awful I guess.

She’s 17, if she wasn’t using this to push your mum guilt button it would be something else. It’s the nature of teenagers, parents ( let’s be honest usually mums) are always in the wrong. It’s a phase just like tantrums in a toddler.

What everyone else said.

If you are paying for her therapist I strongly suggest you find a new one as it seems they’ve been encouraging some daft ideas.

She's lying. She can't remember it at all.

Are you sure this isn't just the stick to beat you with?

Of all paid childcare solutions, having the one to one attention of a nanny is considered the gold standard.

I had "difficult" teenage years, as I'm sure many others did. I also didn't have a nanny. She's latched on to your guilt and is milking it. Does she take any responsibility for her actions, or does she cop out by blaming you?

Is it possible that YOU feel guilty about using a nanny? You probably mentioned it to her quite often how bad you feel about your childcare arrangements during her early years.

Since she knows you are sensitive about this subject, she knows how to get under your skin.

I would advise you not to pay attention to a teenage guilt trip.

Millions of children are in childcare from a young age and they don't all have a terrible time as a teenager.

Equally, some children have SAHMs and have terrible times as teenagers.

And as other people say, she won't be able to remember

My DD is 7 and went to full time nursery from 9months old, she can barely remember nursery, had a few vague recollections of some of the other kids but that's about it. I find it difficult to believe that your DD has strong memories of being 2.5.

What?

She's feeding you a line of complete bullshit. Children can't remember, much less articulate, those kinds of feelings at those kinds of ages.

In many, many countries around the world, children go into nursery or childcare from a few months old and yet these countries don't produce masses of psychopaths or traumatised adults.

I would be amazed if anyone remembers anything about being 2.5. Most teenagers are difficult. I suspect she's making it up in an attempt to excuse her behaviour.

Many (most?) children are looked after someone else from the age of 1, and she certainly wouldn't remember before that.

Rubbish. Total garbage. She’s found the right button to press to wind you up. That’s all.