Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

Surely she’s winding you up.

my children were in childcare from 1yo 8-6 every day for 5 days. Thankfully finances changed when my eldest started school and I didn’t have to work hours like that again, but I can assure you they’re not traumatised by it. They bloody loved it there!

no one can remember feeling a certain way at 2 years old. It’s rubbish b

I wouldn’t want to invalidate her feelings but honestly who could remember feeling unwanted at 2 years old!? I went to a childminder after primary school and barely remember any of that, it sounds like she is just trying to find something to make you feel guilty about? You ended up spending time with her during her childhood from her toddler years onwards, you can’t blame any difficult behaviour on being nannied for a couple of years.

I remember being 16 and discussing with my friends which of us had been to play school and concluding that because I was shy and hadn’t a boyfriend, and hadn’t been sent to playschool my social development has been stunted.

It feels really good to be able to pin down the ephemeral issues of identity and development so firmly and absolutely and assign the blame on such a safe place.

The best thing you can do for her right now is be that rock solid safe place. Don’t get sucked in to this. This has much more to do with her finding herself as an adult than it has to do with anything when she a toddler.
Take the blame - yes, it happened. Not your best decision. But hey, life happens and if that’s all she has to complain about she’s still luckier than most.

I think dismissing your dd's feelings would be a mistake. That's not to say you are to blame, we all do what we feel is best, but people react differently.
Of course infants know and remember subconsciously what happens in early life - adoption trauma, for example (read the primal wound etc) the death of a parent. You do not need to consciously remember for it to affect you - it's entirely possible your dd's therapy has unlocked these feelings.
I know children who haven't been affected at all, I know others who have and lifelong issues due to incidents which occurred before they were 3 - everyone is different.
I would encourage you dd to explore her feelings, BUT I would not allow the blame game, you can talk/discuss but she's not allowed to beat you to death with it. It's not too late to work on your attachment. Any good therapist will tell you that to recover she needs to work with you, not again you.
I wish you all the best.

Did your daughter finish her rant with ‘ but if you bought me a MacBook/Gucci trainers/a car i might get over the trauma i suffered as a child due to you selfishly going to work’

Utter nonsense.

I think she is looking for her 'thing' that makes her a victim/ different. It funny most people with shitty upbringings that did harm the way they turned out give a great impression that all was well in how they were raised. Me included!!

Also agree with OPs - my mother went back to work full-time when I was 7wks old, Dad also working full-time - no mental health issues resulted from this.
I returned to full-time work when DS was 10wks old.

Teenage years can be difficult but also agree with others she is using your guilt about nanny years to her own advantage and triggering your guilt.

Has she seen a medical practitioner and been diagnosed having mental health issues? If not strongly suggest you insist on this if not she is pushing your buttons.

Gosh! Teenagers will blame their parents for anything they can get away with. Teenage years are difficult even for a lot of kids brought up in the most stable environments. You didn't have a nanny for a long period and you changed your life to be there for your child while she was still young. You have done the best you can and you need to accept that this is true. While you shouldn't negate the hurt feelings she harbours, you need to also remind her that you did the best you could and that it was good enough at the time. Unless there was abuse or neglect from the nanny which you should have kept careful watch for, there is no sense in ruminating over decisions that you must have carefully considered before taking in the past. I think the approach you are taking to put the onus on her to do things differently with her own children is appropriate. When she does though, remind yourself not to be guilted into giving up your life to support her own decisions.

If you had told her that she was with you all the time until the age of 3 she would have believed you. You're projecting and she's being a teenager and lapping it up because trauma is cool nowadays.

It definitely sounds like the dd has found mum's weak spot, and that she is milking it for all that it's worth.

That, or as a pp suggested, the OP herself is here to take a cheap shot at working mums.

Either way, I wonder if the OP will be back?

I think your DD is talking a crock of shit 🙄

were you not around for weeks at a time ?
Was the Nanny abusive to her.

How did this conversation start, are you sure you didn't feel guilty, and pass your feelings on to her.

Sorry, but it sounds as if yr dd is trying to find an issue . Which 2.5 year old thinks that they had better not say that they don’t like a situation invade they hurt their parent’s feelings ? It is very normal to use childcare and you paid for the most personalised you could . Is she naming dad too ?

Come on op. Did you actually hand child to nanny 24 /7 ?
Or did you spend evening and weekend and holidays with her?
Did child go to nanny so you could work?
Or was it yo do your hair snd lunch? Even if the latter, unless you literally did not spend any time at all with your child this makes no sense
You must hsve told her many times how you changed your mind about nanny fir her to know this is a thing for you
No one remembers up to 2.5
Someone e told her
You??

I used to beat my mother with the stick that she worked full time when I was little but gave up work when my siblings came along so therefore she loved them more than me.

I said it because it worked at pushing my mother's buttonsand I was a fucking evil teenager not because it had any basis in reality. The reality was I was cared for properly. Kept clean, fed and entertained.

Your daughter doesn't have deep rooted trauma about being in childcare, she's playing a game to get attention/money/stuff. That's not to say she doesn't find things tough, but you using a nanny when she was little is a red herring and almost certainly an idea put in her head by someone else.

Don't indulge her. There is no way she remembers being that old. Or even had the concept of being unloved and unwanted. As a PP said. She sounds very entitled.

Not to invalidate your feelings or your that of your daughter’s. I do have specific memories when I was 2.5 years old. But then again I was always told that I was always reaching milestones ahead of time so I could just have been mature for my age.

Some mental health professionals, not all, sometimes like to delve in the past to help explain current trauma etc. So it could be that approach that’s been taken, that somehow lays blame to early years for current maladaptive behaviour.

I would understand if she remembered school summer holidays or before/after school clubs but I doubt she remembers being 2.5!

Do you remember being 2.5? My first memories are 4/5 ish.

My guess is that she is using this because she's seen your reaction to the possibility. When she brings this up do you forgive her behaviour instantly ? Teenagers know where our weaknesses are - is she spoilt more or allowed to behave worse because of your guilt?

Does she blame her Dad for not going part-time or for not working around your job?

How would she feel if she didn't get the luxuries that she grew up with because you didn't work?

I do believe that it's possible to remember stuff from your very early years. My 17yo dd remembers quite a lot of stuff about her nanny, who looked after her for a few hours each day until she was 3 and a half. She wasn't remotely traumatised by this, though - quite the contrary, she has very fond memories of the lovely nanny, who we're still in touch with all these years later. Far from suffering as a result of the care that she had in those early years, dd is positively thriving... she has better mental health than most people I know!!

It sounds kind your dd unfortunately has poor mental health and is looking for someone/ something to blame. I agree with pp who suggested that she knows this is something that you feel bad about and it's a good way for her to get at you. It's extremely unlikely that her issues actually stem from having had a nanny in those early years, unless you have reason to believe that the nanny you employed was abusive in some way.

Maybe it's time to stop beating yourself up about what's done and to get some support in place to help your dd tackle the mental health issues that she is obviously struggling with right now.

DH & I both had nannies and 2 parents who worked full time. 5 siblings across both families and none of us have been damaged by this… quite the reverse, all were close to the Nannie’s until they passed away (older than our parents, like a 3rd grandmother). My DC also has a nanny and regularly says “go away mummy” because she wants to play with her and generally shows all signs of a child with strong attachment to parents. Key point, although our parents all worked full time, they did NOT work super long hours and prioritized family time when they were not working. We also both had the same nanny for years (as has our DC) so very stable caregiver.

I also wondered that. Could well be a troll trying to wind up working parents!

She sounds like a manipulative little madam who is wrapping you around her little finger. Perhaps ask her if she would have preferred growing up without x, y, z that you provided for her by, you know, having a job?

Please stop pandering to her and apologising for making perfectly valid parenting choices that millions of others make every day. She is bloomin lucky she got a one to one nanny, most kids go to nursery and probably get way less individual attention than she got.

She sounds like a total brat!

Total bollocks. Has she had the balls to try this game with her Dad - blaming him for going to work? Or is she just bullying Mummy dearest? Tell her to get a grip.

I smell bullshit too. She cannot possibly remember being 2.

tbh I think this thread is just a thinly veiled attempt to have a pop at those people who have used nannies.