Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

Exactly, with all the feelings I have about DS starting nursery next month- to think a professional caring for him could be judging me and regards me as a shit mum for putting him in- I mean Jesus Christ.

Yes, some do cry all day but it if it makes you happier thinking children would rather be in nursery then i hope it works for you.

Frankly, I'd probably cry all day if I had to spend it with someone so nasty and judgmental!!

I think anything is possible. Examples of similarities in situations with different outcomes neither proves or disproves anything in this situation. Many people perceive what has happened to them in different ways. Having worked with people who have experienced trauma I know that many things can impact a person even things before they are verbal. It would probably really helpful for her and you if she could have some sort therapy

Because despite having a career in childcare you don’t support the need for childcare? And it’s the mothers you blame? Dads get a free pass? And you think all the poor little kiddies are desperately unhappy in a settling that isn’t their own home?

you are possibly in the wrong area of work.

@LowlandLucky what bullshit are you chatting. Babies and toddlers cry when separated from their main caregiver - yes, we know. They don't cry all day though, do they? And clearly you're not following them along their lives to see them grow up into completely normally well-adjusted children let alone teens and adults.

Or, if we're giving masses amounts of credence to anecdata, then I can tell you my twins went to nursery from 8 months to pre-school and don't remember it at all. I think I win - twins AND nursery?!

It's actually other kids mums who said her early years sound 'messed up' and 'not the way to bring a child up' (referring to nannies).

Right, so some judgemental parents have put the idea into your dd's head that she had a messed up childhood, she has latched onto it and is now assuming that it's the cause of her depression. And you're buying into that?

I don't know anyone who had a lot of memories pre 2. I think she sounds very entitled.

I cant believe she remembers anything from when she was 2.5. One of mine is 5 and they cant remember being 2.5

She might have issues, your relationship might have issues - but its not because she can remember being 2.5 years old and missing you

plus where's her dad in all of this?

What in my post is unprofessional ?

People are dismissing it because there is a lot about the OP that doesn't ring true.

Yes, there are no doubt awful childcare settings like the one that @LowlandLucky worked at, and I'm sure that there are awful abusive nannies, too. Some children may well be left with lasting damage as a result. Perhaps the OP did indeed employ an abusive nanny, and that's why she had doubts about her dd's wellbeing and quit her job etc. It's possible, though it seems somewhat unlikely as the OP said that the child always seemed happy and showed no apparent signs of trauma until her teenage years.

What is not believable is that the child has suddenly developed problems in her teenage years and somehow remembers being unable to tell her mother how traumatised she was because she didn't want to upset her. I don't think even the most advanced of 2yos have thought processes that work like that, let alone memories of those thought processes many years later. Sorry, but I just don't buy it.

This smacks of a wily teen having found a way of pressing her mum's buttons to get own advantage or of an OP with a clear agenda that isn't what it purports to be. If the OP doesn't come back soon, I'm going with the latter.

My friend could’ve written your post, although she’s older (her DD is in her 40s). And they have a very strained relationship (despite the fact that friend did loads to help her DD, both financially and providing a huge amount of childcare). My friend tearfully told me one day “it’s because I worked” - and my questions were the same as many on here. Why isn’t she resentful of her father? Doesn’t she realise that that money paid for her to go to private school, live in a lovely house etc? But in the end, it probably isn’t rational…..and there’s not much you can do about it after the event. You made what you thought was the best decision for your family at the time. You only get one “go”, so your DD actually has no idea how life would’ve been otherwise, so she can’t just assume it would’ve been better. There’d have been downsides to that decision too - less money as the obvious one. You called it how you saw it at the time and with the information you had. And that’s all any of us can do. If your DD wants to make different decisions for her own family, that’s up to her. Don’t be eaten up by regret - it’s corrosive.

@LowlandLucky

So you'd be out of a job if we all suddenly gave up work and spent every day with our kids (whilst not being able to afford food / heating / a home).

You're a very unkind and really quite dim person.

This is utter rubbish and extremely manipulating. I'm sorry but thousands of children are cared for by nannies, nurseries, grandparents or childminders. It's life. And it teaches them that mummy doesn't exist purely to pander to their needs, and they THEY are not the centre of the universe.
I say this as the child of a wonderful working single mum, who taught me the values of family time, and give and take.

Your daughter is full of bullshit, not to mention entitled.

Because it's clearly bollocks. For a number of reasons.

I do understand why both parents now have to work. Many years ago when full daycare became common most women rushed to work, this meant couples could borrow more and more money, they could offer more for a house meaning most families with SAHM were priced out of the market. This meant the majority of women had no choice but to go to work full time and the property market got out of hand. We are now reaping what we sowed

Does she feel the same about being ‘farmed out’ age four to go to school?

I'm also shocked how easily people dismiss this

I think her thoughts are entirely valid but that she can't project this on you. You did your best you could do at the time.

I also hope I would never come across you as a childcare worker, @LowlandLucky as you sound deeply unprofessional.

No matter what? No matter that both parents really now need to go to work to earn an income to keep most households afloat? You do realise that’s why the vast majority of people use childcare?

I wouldn't be taking this particularly seriously in your position. I would tell her that you're sorry she feels this way but you did what you thought was best for her and the family at the time. And that, now she is almost an adult, it's up to her to make a success or failure of her life.

I am amazed how many on here are dismissing this young adults feelings, is that because she might have touched a nerve in some posters. You ask why she doesn't blame her Father, maybe because small children need their Mothers, no matter what you say to convince yourself that Nursery is great for children, the fact is that it isn't. Having worked in childcare for years and having comforted many children that have been besides themselves because they want their "mummy"( never their Daddy) i can assure you it is an awful thing for a child to go through. The eventually stop crying every day because the realise that they will be left no matter what.