Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

I've read it a few time plus seen van der Kolk in person a few times plus attended multiple seminars of his.

He talks about trauma, yes. Talks about how the body remembers things the brain doesn't (and Babette Rothschild said it before him h
and others since). But he's not talking about children who have a loving family and good childcare! There has been no talk of mistreatment by the OP. Children are not cared by their mothers - or fathers - the whole world over. Plus, this is normal throughout human history. Plus attachment bonds that are damaged can be healed so unless OP quit work to stay with her kids and then spent her time ignoring her DD, it's FAR more likely that this is normal teen button-pushing than a traumatised child!!

Now, there may be reason to explore why DD is pushing this particular button. Maybe not. But to suggest that this teen is actually traumatised by having a stable, caring nanny is to render virtually every working parent as causing trauma to their children. If it's traumatising to have at-home care by a sole provider, what level of trauma is caused in nursery then where carers change more regularly and it's out of home with kids getting less than 100% attention all the time? What about when children are cared for by a grandparent? The idea it's traumatising in the OPs circs is simply nonsense.

It's possible that DD wishes her mother had been there and feels let down that she wasn't. But that's not trauma. Just because something didn't happen the way a teen wanted it to in hindsight and they're upset - assuming that's the actual issue here - doesn't make them traumatised. And part of being a teen is feeling emotions strongly and learning how to deal with that.

Honestly I'd just say to her "well, I look forward to seeing you set the example of good parenting if and when you have your own dc"

You feel guilty for using a nanny and she is using this to manipulate you. You probably talked about it with people over the years about it she knows you feel bad and could of "damaged her" and she is using it for whatever reason to make you feel bad. Unless you know the nanny was abusive, it's a load of rubbish

yeah all the school shootings, violence, extreme porn and hate rotting that country from the inside out begs to differ. Loudest wail that no one wants to hear

V interesting Radio 4 ‘Life Scientific’ podcast about memory, with an academic who’d herself had a troubled childhood.

A lot of kids also generate "memories" of things they've actually heard as family stories (which have often themselves been distorted in the telling). There are a lot of stories out there of people fact-checking treasured memories from their childhood and finding out that they can't possibly have happened as they remember. Memory isn't a video or a computer file - to some degree we construct and alter it every time we "remember" it.

I have a very few blurry "snapshot"-type memories from my early years, that's all. I really don't think it's possible to remember being 2 and not wanting to tell your mother you missed her because you didn't want to upset her.

All of you need to read the body keeps the score to learn about how different people can respond to extreme stress and the impact it can have on the rest of your life.

sounds like your daughter needs connection and safety with you. Look at how you can build a secure relationship together now.

all those posting scorning the daughter- I’m glad you’re not my mum! Tough love creates anxious children so good luck when your own kids are saying this to you 10 years down the line

Farming out your child? Just what us professional nannies like to hear🙄Your daughter is an entitled little madam and you've enabled it!

What would a “memory of a memory” be? Would that be e.g. remembering now as a adult the memories I had as a 12 year old who remembered being 18 months old?

Basically. I remember telling a story as a young child of waking up in my cot as an even younger child. I told it a lot and it became the memory of telling it IYSWIM. But it's not the actual memory. I've 'created' wallpaper that didn't exist, a blanket etc. none of which are accurate.

As an ex Nursery School Teacher ,I think most children benefit from Nursery in the long run .Sure some will cry at first but will settle down .Most good CC settings will have plans in place for children who dont settle . However as your DD is so unhappy maybe some Counselling may help? She seems distressed and maybe this may help get her to face any problems as a 17 year old rather than this focus on the past .ATM we are facing the highest rate of inflation for 40 years ,so 2 incomes are needed unless a lottery winner or secret millionaire!

@MrsTerryPratchett that’s really interesting. What would a “memory of a memory” be? Would that be e.g. remembering now as a adult the memories I had as a 12 year old who remembered being 18 months old? So I wouldn’t remember it now if I hadn’t bothered to recall it at some point in the past?

I don't think I could keep him in if he cries for me all day

He won't. Don't worry.

This is so sad. My son is 2 in the summer and he's starting nursery in September for 2 days a week. I don't think I could keep him in if he cries for me all day

Agree with @ScrollingLeaves comments here.

The part of the US that I am familiar with can afford to employ much-needed psychologists and licensed clinical social workers who provide MH therapy services for the students, both group sessions and individual therapy, during school hours. Children suffer from all sorts of trauma and pain related to their childhoods, even if they lived what might look like a privileged life in affluent surroundings.

My area is heaving with nannies and au pairs, and there are lots of licensed daycare facilities too. Very few families with a single income can afford to buy a home here.

I worked as a nanny for a few years, and have heard a lot of crying for mommy.

It's not just mommy herself that children cry for. Mommy represents important elements of life like safety and security and complete support for children. Even children whose mothers do not provide any of that still cry for mommy.

I never used a nanny or childminder for my children,didn’t want to .
but in all honesty,she’s using the fact you did ,as a stick to beat you with .
who remembers being 2 years old ..unless the nanny abused her in some way ,don’t give this any attention

My son is 6 and can hardly remember the full time childminder he had when he was 2.5

How many nannies did she have? What stage of life for each one? Was she able to say goodbye in a meaningful way to each one? How did you explain the departure of each nanny?

Don't dismiss her depression as 'normal for teen girls these days'.

Depression is a serious and sometimes debilitating illness, and not something you just throw money at and it's a sign of not trying hard enough if it doesn't go away.

How little did she see of her father as a young child? How 'big' did his job look in your lives?

There's a theme of 'we spent good money on her' running through your comments here which I find interesting.

Raising a child isn't a question of 'gold standard' in at one end and healthy, positive result out the other end fourteen years later. It certainly isn't the case with depression in a child.

If being in childcare was automatically traumatising we'd all be pretty screwed

Yes, that's what I would have said. And yet my dd described something very specific that she couldn't possibly have known about otherwise. I don't know what to make of it if I'm honest. Not everything can be easily explained.

I'd take it all with a pinch of salt OP.

My ds can't remember anything at that age, not just childcare but living with his dad, being in a different town....nothing.

I'd say your daughter is playing on your guilt. You're being had. I'd cancel the therapist and encourage her to get herself a job.
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She's being ridiculous. There is no way she remembers and loads of children are looked after by childminders. Nurseries etc without being traumatised. I suspect something else is at the route of her mental health difficulties and she's just using this as something to blame.

By the way my DS was in full time childcare from 18 months and has definitely not been traumatised by it.

Do you think she's had some bad experiences that she hasn't told you about and maybe blames you for not safeguarding her.

I'm not saying that's definitely the case just food for thought...

Sorry you're going through this

What was it about having the nanny look after your daughter that felt so wrong you ditched your job and moved away from London, OP?

Did you have a hectic job which required long hours or working away?

Did something strike you as wrong with the nanny herself?

I remember my father locking in me in a pitch black attic as a 'joke' - I was 18 months and it was very traumatic, so it is possible to remember things when you are extremely young. I only have a handful of these memories. I discussed them with my psychologist when I was younger, whom confirmed it is indeed possible. Tell your dd it could have been a whole lot worse!

What specific bit of having a nanny does she think was 'messed up' op?

Her friends parents can't have found out she had a Nanny and felt that on it's own was messed up surely?

Did you work very long hours/work away? Is that maybe what she is referring to? Did the Nanny also look after her during weekends?

A family member of mine put his son in daycare three months before his wife went back to work to 'settle him in'. His wife is a teacher and they kept the baby in daycare all through the summer holidays too.

The only time the baby didn't go in was weekends and five days over Xmas when the daycare shut.

My family member actually met up with me and my kids one day while his son was in daycare which struck me as completely bizarre.

I don't think the child came out completely unscathed.