Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

Is she studying psychology atm? Or getting weird skewed views on attachment theory from tiktok?
I work with teenagers and hear this shite day in day out. I play the worlds smallest violin for these spoiled brats.

What's the evidence base that a child who is not with their mother 24:7 suffers damage or psychological wounding while with a consistent, loving secondary caregiver, such as dad, or aunt, or grandmother, or nanny?

Of course a secondary carer does not replace a primary one, but that does not mean that a toddler needs a primary carer 24/7. It does not mean that secondary carers cannot be a positive experience, and just because carers are paid, it does not mean that they are not a valuable part of a child 's "village".

For what it's worth, there is NO consistent scientific grade proof that shows that care only by parent being better for kids. What there is proof of is that parents having a choice about whether they use childcare is better for kids. Ie, parent who wants to use formal childcare is able to = better for kid. Parent who wants to stay home is able to = better for kid.

She’s casting around for reasons to feel wronged and like she’s suffered as a child. She perhaps feels guilt at her own privilege compared to those around her?

However, laying into you and not her father is bullshit. She needs to wise up and grow up. You did nothing wrong.

Society will never move on whilst teenage girls have the attitude that mothers shouldn’t work (which is really what this boils down to).

I do actually agree with you despite my post. For me though, it won’t be resolved if she feels invalidated, which is why I said listen, apologise for how she felt then move on. The boundary then becomes we talked about that, you know I accept how you feel and despite not being able to change the past, I would do it differently now. So we move on and make today and our future the one, we are happy with.

I have loads of memories up until from I was just turned 4. I can describe the house I lived in in a lot of detail, the playgroup I attended a handful of times age 3, going to see someone, who was dying when I was 2 as they gave me something. My mother was incredulous when as an adult I just matter of described the hospital visit and accurately describes the present she gave me.

Other people have fewer memories, some will have more. Just because people don’t necessarily actively remember something, it doesn’t mean they cannot be affected positively or negatively by an event. Babies are little sponges and a product of their environment.

You were doing your best op and I think this has really upset you because of your feelings of guilt from this time. Children don’t come with a manual. However, I don’t think it is useful to dismiss this as your dd is privileged so file this in the bin marked brat. It could be in part that she’s made this up in her head because she’s sensed or heard your guilt but I would treat it as real. Perhaps she wants to fit in with her friends and this is a way of doing it. She only knows her experience and fighting against this, invalidating her feelings right now isn’t going to make either of you happy.

My dd is also massively privileged and is acting rather spoiled at the moment. However at 13, she only knows what she knows and cannot imagine what it is like for those, who have difficult lives, fewer opportunities or inattentive parents. At times I get cross with her complaining and yet know if I koko, it’s just another stage, which will pass.

If you make this about how much more privileged she is than her friends, you’re othering her, making her appear ungrateful. It won’t go away. She’ll just pull away. All you can do is listen, tell her how sorry you are she felt that way and move on from there. Make this the thing, which pulls you together and use it to put an end to your feelings of guilt.

She's honed in on something she senses will hit a nerve and is guilt tripping you.
I think you need to tackle this firmly and stop being her whipping boy.
I bet she's not accusing her father of abandoning her, is she?
My late mum used to say "a mother's place is in the wrong" ne'er a truer word spoken!

But that does not mean that a toddler needs to spend every waking moment with their mother, and it does not mean that a child and nanny can't have a close secondary attachment.

It's not the same bond and a child can miss a mother terribly even though the nanny is a really warm, nice, kind, attentive, positive, and fun person.

A secondary attachment is not the same as the primary attachment. It may have all sorts of positives going for it but it isn't the same. It will always be 'less than' in a child's mind.

Sometimes arrangements which are well thought out solutions to practical problems don't strike children as reasonable or rational when they are children. All they know is that the afternoon drags on for a long time while they are waiting for mommy to come home.

It is normal for teens to reflect on childhood and find parents lacking. I thought I was a pretty great parent, I worked as a childminder so I could be at home with my kids. They made loads of great friends (a few they are still close to 15 years on) we did so many day trips, crafts activities. They genuinely had fun at the time. Years later their narrative was that I never paid them attention, I put the paid children first. Also our divorce, which happened when dc were 3 and 5 and was pretty smooth. Not to takeaway from childrens feelings but ibb by think part of being a teen is trying to understand how you feel and it's easier to blame your parents for things. I'd try to be empathetic but without urging fault at your own door. You did the best you could at the time one day she will probably experience the challenges of adulthood and realise it's not that easy.

How does she even remember that far back? The first memory I have is age 8+. Not too invalidate her feelings but sounds like she’s looking for someone to blame.

Of course not. But that does not mean that a toddler needs to spend every waking moment with their mother, and it does not mean that a child and nanny can't have a close secondary attachment.

This sounds like very normal childcare. In many cultures, childcare is spread among extended family members. Care from a warm and caring nanny who has a genuine bond isn't going to be that much different to care by an aunt. This idea that all care has to come from mum is a product of the post war era. All care by mum is touted as "natural", but after early infancy, it's quite cultural.

I agree with some pp - I think that it's her friends who are the problem.

I think the problem is she's got some real arsehole, judgemental friends. Ironically if you haven't have moved out of London you probably wouldn't be facing this because she'd know fewer people with SAHM.

Being a nanny I find this utter garb!
A nanny is a little bit best friend,
A little bit teacher
And a little bit parent.

I've been a nanny too.

And one thing I know for sure about being a nanny is that I could have all of those lovely attributes, but I was never mommy, and that matters to a small child.

It's not appropriate to expect a child of four to be able to keep track of how much time was spent with parents vs. with the nanny. It's also not appropriate to expect a child of four to understand the concept of quality time vs. normal workweek time.

Children don't compute time like that. Actual minutes and hours are not relevant.

What matters is the feelings experienced as the hours ticked away.

I don't think it's fair to your DD to dismiss all of this. Many of the posters encouraging you to do so are harping on about her privilege, entitlement, etc. If it's not ok for your DD to absorb ideas about you working from her friends or from some SM fad, then it's not ok for you to form an opinion of her based on perceptions of being a spoiled princess, which come from disdain for the poor little rich girl.

The daughter has suffered from depression and clearly something is awry. Depression doesn't come from friends' comments or SM. Approaching this with the narrative at the back of your mind that she doesn't have enough control over her own mind and emotions to experience genuine personal feelings is disrespectful to her.

When I read your post I thought wow and her issues are nothing to do with having a nanny for the first few years of her life

so glad most /all agree with me

she sounds spoilt and very privileged (sorry) and yes no one batters an eyelid for dads who work and travel but wow betide if a mum does

you have done nothing wrong @WorkingMumD and sorry your dd has made you feel this way

and whatever is bothering her isn’t that you worked for the first few years of her life that tbh she wouldn’t remember much about it

Being a nanny I find this utter garb!
A nanny is a little bit best friend,
A little bit teacher
And a little bit parent.
And we do a bloody good job!

I'd question your previous nanny's standards.
Alot has changed since 17 years ago !
Your daughter has other issues. I'd question that.
Just my opinion.....

Yeah I agree with @Mumwantingtogetitright. This isn't coming from other mothers. This is coming from social media, friends, and quite possibly her therapist (I say this as someone I grew up with has cut off her mum on the advise of her therapist who has basically led her to believe that anything that makes her unhappy is a result of being treated like shit by her mum - which is categorically untrue).

Don't get me wrong, I'd be upset if my child said this to me, but I'd be upset that they were being so selfish.

If you were working to provide those holidays and good times
Then explain that
You were not letting her down
But providing for her
List all holidays laptops etcetera and quality time spent with her
What about her father? Did he let her down too by not picking her up from school ?
There must be something else going on
Hiw is she not proud of you fir your career and profession? She is letting you down by not appreciating you.

It's extremely odd and not actually remotely believable that there would be more than one other mum telling your dd how sad her very privileged childhood must have been. I just don't buy it. Most people, even the supremely judgemental ones who might think stuff like this, would have the decency not to voice such thoughts to a vulnerable teenager. I can believe that you might encounter one individual who might say stuff like this, but not more than one. It just wouldn't happen.

So, I conclude that there is some creative story-telling going on. Either your attention-seeking dd has spun a complete web of lies to these other parents about how very awful her childhood was, and they are responding to a version of events that you simply don't know about. Or she is fabricating what they have said to her in order to press your guilty buttons.

I think it's right to say she wishes I was there and feels let down.

She has no right to feel let down though. What has made her think that using paid childcare 4 days a week in order to work is “letting down” your child? Is it her social circle? Were all of her friend’s parents SAHMs? Is it the way you’ve described things because of your own misplaced guilt?