Nannying = farming out your child - big mistake?

A “ Professional nanny” calling a traumatised child “ An entitled madam?”
I feel sorry for your charges if that’s the snarky attitude towards kids.

@WorkingMumD
Some children really don’t do well being cared for by others.
If your daughter was ill treated in any way, it could well be imprinted in her memory.
Ideally kids would be with a loving, nurturing mother especially when so young.

Even adopted children taken away from their birth mothers very young can be deeply affected.
”
Attachment disorder “

Oh they absolutely DO
After my mother died i had to go to an appalling Day Nursery, at 2 yrs and remember with absolute clarity the colour of the place, the rocking horse in the window, and the brown bowls we were fed from- and the baggy bingo wings of the brute in charge.
Went to another in Castlenau, Young Black girl there had a terrible burn on her arm that showed pink and white.
The kindest Day nursery was run by a lovely young woman- we loved her.
Kids with trauma remember a lot .
I have an adoptive mother who also remembers stuff from her own toddlerhood.

OP, it was a fairly massive omission not to mention her ADD and dyslexia previously. She is obviously a complex personality and has a lot going on. What is the response from doctors and MH professionals when she blames all her problems on being cared for by a nanny when younger? I would also take her statements about her friends' mothers feeling sad for her with a pinch of salt. Do you know any of these parents to speak to? It would be very interesting to find out exactly how she is presenting the experience to them.

Traumatised due to 2.5yrs of childcare as a baby /toddler

you Have now said she has other issues and special needs - you working 15/17yrs ago has not caused her to feel like this

she is trying to guilt you 15yrs on. Maybe due to friends having sahm. Maybe due to social media. Is she on a lot of stuff ?

but you having a career for those few years of her younger life isn’t the issue here

No. Most teenaged girls don't have depression for no reason.
I think you really need to concentrate now on rebuilding your relationship with your DD before it's too late.

This ^^

Sorry- but bollocks. Many children go to nursery/ child minders and a few have nanny's. What age was your daughter? If having 1-1 adult input 'traumatised' her and she's still holding it against you, despite you then leaving your job and being a SAHP for however many years, then either it was a really crap/ abusive nanny, or she's looking for an excuse for current behaviours which you're encouraging.

And she did have depression etc like most teen girls these days...

No. Most teenaged girls don't have depression for no reason.

I think you really need to concentrate now on rebuilding your relationship with your DD before it's too late.

Or ignore the advice and become permanently estranged because it suits your narrative.

Very much this. People, particularly young people, increasingly seem to want to identify with a trauma of some sort. I think much of it does stem from social media.

Hey OP.

My kids have been looked after by nannies since they were 3 months old.

I'm a single parent so there is no other option. And even if there was I wouldn't give up my job to be a sahp. Just no. Having children doesn't mean I stop being my own person with my own life. If my kids complain about it later I will tell them as bluntly as necessary that someone had to pay the bills, and that I have a life separate to theirs. My job as a parent is to make sure they are safe, fed, clean and loved. Not to spend every minute of every single day with them.

Frankly my first guess was that you feel guilty about it, your daughter picked that up and thinks if you feel guilty there must be a reason, so leaving her with a nanny must have been bad. But it's really not.

Would it help your daughter to see that plenty of kids are in full-time childcare from very early on and virtually all of them are fine about it ?

Fingers crossed there will eventually be a time when the DD will regain a sense of perspective, but this won't happen if on top of whatever she is currently feeling there is a perception that mum has chosen this hill to die on.

Important to listen, yes, but there's a line between listening and endorsing a falsehood.

It's one parenting decision, yes. It's a really significant parenting decision though, not in the same league as what brand of nappies to use.

The blame currently directed at the mother is very likely a stage on a trek toward the excavation of true feelings. For the OP to get her back up and switch to defensive mode now would be a huge mistake because there can't be progress while there's endless back and forth about whether the nannies were nice or otherwise.

It's especially important not to try to defend any individual decisions or present studies showing X or Y or Z about those decisions, or actually to focus on any decisions or specifics.

Instead, it's important to listen to everything that's being said while expressing concern and openness to hearing the DD.

I absolutely agree that OP needs to listen to her daughter, and acknowledge her feelings. I also agree that OP arguing with her daughter about evidence is not going to go down well.

I just think that when people are hurting, it's normal to want to look for a simple explanation ( in a complex situation ) and normal to want to blame someone. However, I think that OP's daughter blaming her mother's one (made in good faith) parenting decision for all of her current feelings is not going to be helpful - in fact, it's likely to be quite harmful.

I agree that it's very tricky, and needs to be handled sensitively.

I was a SAHM until mine were at nursery in primary school and really value the role of primary caregivers in general… but still I wonder if this is more about her picking something she knows you feel sensitive about (presumably she knew you chose to give up work and change the situation).

I think you need to draw a line with it. As you say. The past is done. She gets to make her own choices with her own children (who will no doubt feel upset for totally different reasons!).

On a personal note. If the worst your DD can say about you is that she wished everything pre 2.5 yrs was like it was from then onwards then you have done very well indeed. Please stop feeling guilty about this.

Yes, but that's what depression will do to you, and it won't help to point out that studies show she wouldn't necessarily have suffered from having a nanny. It's important to listen and listen hard when a teen has depression, and not to become defensive or offer up justifications. You have to address the emotions, not the facts. "I hear you saying you felt miserable during those years, and I'm sorry" is better than presenting her with statistics. She is not going to change her mind and POOF goes the depression.

Even a child who doesn't have depression isn't going to be convinced by evidence to the effect that the arrangements the parents have made are not going to hurt her. Missing your mommy isn't pleasant, and a child has a perfect right to miss her mother even with the reincarnation of Mary Poppins taking care of her.

I'm not denying the disconnect and depression. I'm just saying that the evidence suggests that her mother not going to work may not have prevented it.

Depression is very complex and blaming it all on something as mundane as a part time nanny is unreasonable.

Of course a secondary carer does not replace a primary one, but that does not mean that a toddler needs a primary carer 24/7. It does not mean that secondary carers cannot be a positive experience, and just because carers are paid, it does not mean that they are not a valuable part of a child 's "village".

For what it's worth, there is NO consistent scientific grade proof that shows that care only by parent being better for kids. What there is proof of is that parents having a choice about whether they use childcare is better for kids. Ie, parent who wants to use formal childcare is able to = better for kid. Parent who wants to stay home is able to = better for kid.

@Loopyloopy -
The problem with the sheer rationality of all of that is that it is not the language small children speak.

The daughter here has struggled with a mental illness (depression) and for some reason feels a disconnect with her mother. Brushing her feelings off and offering ex post facto rationalisations of decisions made and glowing recollections of the nannies who cared for her are not going to make her feel differently. Something in the relationship with the mother needs healing.

There is no amount of 'But studies tell us...' that will heal her.

Nanny was my primary carer, she was with me from the day I was born till she left when I was 8. She was everything, kind, warm, strict when needed, funny, helpful and always there. I loved her to bits. She stayed part of my life till about two years before she died, when I lost her to severe alzheimers. I still miss her hugely and I am nearly 60. My mother was quite cold, easily angered and bloody difficult generally.
All this to say, OP that you have done nothing wrong. You picked a kind nanny for your DD and it wasn't for long anyway. You then mothered your daughter in a way that sounds lovely to me. She's going through what Nanny would have called 'a phase' where she's just being damn difficult, as so many teens are. Stick with her, firm but fair and loving and she will come out the other end a normal, functional grown up!

Too many messages to read. Does she realise that many children are placed into a nursery at the age of a few months? She is not unique in not being cared for at home by her mother. And I agree with others - why is she not equally criticising her father?

I had an amazing nanny who loved me and enriched my life. She was not professionally trained but was like a second mother to me. She adored me and I have many memories of her and they are warm and wonderful.

My brother has a nanny who came with great references but was brusque, uncaring, left him to cry etc. By the book, obviously impressive to parents I the activities she organised etc, but not loving or affectionate to us as children.

I do think early care shapes us and I would not deny your DD's experience. She knows how she felt. Material possessions are not the most important thing.

However, you mustn't beat yourself up. You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time.

She's using this to beat you with because she knows it hits your buttons. Whatever her struggles are, it's nothing to do with her being traumatised by having a nanny at 2.

Tell her to go aim it at her dad because he also left her with a nanny and let her get on with it. Stop apologising for it.