Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Being told I’m a disgrace because I’m not looking after my own child

140 replies

BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 16:08

I haven’t been able to work for a few years since having DS because of the cost of childcare plus the pandemic. I’ve been very bored and unhappy. My DH and I have decided that I need to re-enter the workforce when DS starts school in September, but in a better job than I had before. I’ve signed up for some online programming courses and we’ve taken a loan to pay for them. I’ve also got an unpaid internship, basically a local web company sends me some work every week and I do it for free (very slowly and not very competently as yet) in exchange for experience and a reference.

My 4yo goes to nursery from 9-11.30 then I pick him up and make his lunch, then my mum looks after him at home until 3pm. That gives me approx 5 hours to study. I’m not earning so paid childcare isn’t an option. But my mum is constantly being nasty to me. Saying you aren’t paying this child any attention, you never bother with him, you’re not a good mother, you’re lazy just sitting in the spare room all day, he likes me better than you because I make time to play with him. Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody”. My mum has basically just thrown him at me with a look of disgust and told me I’m a fucking disgrace as a mother because I don’t bother with him.

I should point out that my mother hasn’t worked since she had me and her entire life has revolved around raising kids. I’m trying to get skills to get a job to benefit my child in the long run. When I get a job I’ll be working for a lot more than 5 hours. Many women work and aren’t being told they’re a fucking disgrace because they aren’t spending all day with their children. DH isn’t being told he’s a fucking disgrace for being out at work for 10 hours a day. I don’t know what to say to her? If I tell her to fuck off I won’t be able to complete the courses I’ve paid for. I’m incredibly upset.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Nanny0gg · 16/05/2022 17:40

BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 16:54

Also have you discuss how your dhs life will change in September if you start working full time?
He’s basically said he’s out every day till 6.30 and not able to change that because he earns our main (currently only) secure income. So it’s up to me how I juggle work and child during the day. If I complain he just says well you don’t have to work at all because we don’t need the money, if you can’t manage child and work then don’t work.

You really have a BIG DH problem

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2022 17:38

BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 16:36

For me to study e.g. 7-10pm it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night. He’ll get angry and tell me it’s not feasible because he needs to see me at some point and he needs some free time in the evening after working all day.

Show quote history

What does he think single parents do?

And it's not like it's forever.

Ponderingwindow · 16/05/2022 17:38

Your mother’s attitude is awful. Preparing to get a better career is admirable.

however, she clearly isn’t ok with the current arrangement. You are not entitled to free child care and you are taking advantage of her. Stop asking her to watch your child. You and your husband need to solve this problem together. Either the family budget needs to be flexed to pay for child care or he needs to spend his evenings and weekends on kid duty while you work. He doesn’t get to say no to you having a career and he can’t simply absolve himself of the responsibility of caring for his child.

Cinnabomb · 16/05/2022 17:25

Just to play devils advocate - if that’s actually what your mum is saying then thats terrible…..But 3 hours free childcare for you every day is a HUGE amount. That blows my mind, and you’re expecting her to just continue this going forward in order to enable you to work? Maybe she’s resentful being expected to do so much? Being honest I don’t really think it’s reasonable to expect her to give up everyday to child care, so maybe you AND Dh need p com up with another plan.

DowntonCrabby · 16/05/2022 17:22

She’s toxic, I wouldn’t have her in sole charge of your child.

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 17:17

Can dc fo to nursery for a bit longer?
Not without paying money I haven’t got.

Your DH is not really in partnership with you here is he
I do agree that we can’t jeopardise the reliable job that pays the bills. He’s out till 6.30 and that’s that. No he can’t cover any sick days, he’s the head of department and not able to take days off. He struggles to even take his holidays, often his employer pays him for his holidays because there’s no gap in his schedule to actually take them.

Plus my 4 year old would be able to be kept busy with only occasional interventions from me for a few hours after nursery
This is one of the things my mum is complaining about. Because when she’s unavailable I let DS watch telly or play by himself so I can work. Instead of stopping work and playing with him.

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 16/05/2022 17:09

Oh OP, you don't just have a mother problem, your dh is a shitty one.

He isn't supportive. He is using the fact you dont work to opt out of all the shit bits of family life. He is the sort that would not react well to you earning the same or more than him.

If its not going to work to study this year, then leave it until September. Id also say he doesn't get to expect you to pay some of your wages into covering family bills if hes going to assume all childcare stress is down to you. Has he assumed you will cover sick days from school? Will he still expect no change is his lifestyle?

Oh god - do not give up your course and do not have any more children with him.

pastabest · 16/05/2022 17:01

I'd also like to say bloody well done to you and don't let the bastards grind you down.

PriestessofPing · 16/05/2022 17:00

You could freelance once you’ve finished your courses and got more experience. That might help you to juggle work and school runs etc until you have more earning power for childcare and can get more independence from both your mother and husband who are both incredibly unsupportive.

pastabest · 16/05/2022 16:59

it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night

Sounds like the majority of my evenings after work. It hadn't occurred to me someone else should be doing it for me?

Surely the point of online courses is that they are a bit more flexible? Couldn't you do bath/ bedtime/ evening meal together in the evenings 3 - 4 days a week and you work/ study the others.

You do your studying during presumably the 15 hours a week nursery hours, and whatever you can squeeze in evenings and weekends.

Its short term. He has to step up it can't all be on you.

Plus my 4 year old would be able to be kept busy with only occasional interventions from me for a few hours after nursery, possibly with some interruptions every now and then for snacks etc but I reckon you could squeeze another couple of piecemeal hours in some afternoons while they draw/ watch cartoons/ play with toys?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 16/05/2022 16:59

Can dc fo to nursery for a bit longer?

Rogue1001MNer · 16/05/2022 16:54

Your DH is not really in partnership with you here is he.

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 16:54

Also have you discuss how your dhs life will change in September if you start working full time?
He’s basically said he’s out every day till 6.30 and not able to change that because he earns our main (currently only) secure income. So it’s up to me how I juggle work and child during the day. If I complain he just says well you don’t have to work at all because we don’t need the money, if you can’t manage child and work then don’t work.

OP posts:
SameToo · 16/05/2022 16:52

I think you need to change your studying so you do it whilst your son is at nursery then an hour or so on an evening. Surely your husband can suck it up for a year? You need to cut your mum out.

rainbowandglitter · 16/05/2022 16:51

Does she look after him every day for those afternoon hours? I agree with pp saying to do it in the evening and weekends. Many of us on here work our normal jobs then study in the evenings. It's not forever.

Neverreturntoathread · 16/05/2022 16:48

None of the choices available to you rught now are fantastic, so you’re going to have to make a tricky choice. It seems to me your options are:


  1. Continue as you are, with your nasty mum doing huge amounts of unpaid childcare and resenting you for it and coaching your child against you, or

  2. Move your work and study to the evenings, getting much less sleep and meaning DH has to step up and do more, or

  3. Stop using your mum for childcare, postpone all of your unpaid internship and study, until September which is only really a small delay.


I would do option 3, but it’s your decision…

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 16:46

No his parents aren’t in a position to help. His dad is dead and his mum works long hours in a senior role. My mum regularly says his mum is a disgrace as a gran because she works and only sees DS maybe every other weekend.

It’s not a dodgy unpaid internship. I approached them (and several others) asking to do a bit of work for free in exchange for a reference. I spend maybe 10 hours a week but someone with more experience could probably do that work in 2-3 hours. I’m grateful for their feedback and for the reference I’ll get.

OP posts:
yesthatisdrizzle · 16/05/2022 16:44

BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 16:36

For me to study e.g. 7-10pm it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night. He’ll get angry and tell me it’s not feasible because he needs to see me at some point and he needs some free time in the evening after working all day.

Show quote history

Well if your DH gets angry like that instead of trying to help you, then he's not much better than your mother, is he? The pair of them just want you to be a housewife.

He agreed with you that you need to do the training to get back in the workplace, yet he isn't prepared to lift a finger to help you achieve that? Not nice.

MargosKaftan · 16/05/2022 16:42

Also have you discuss how your dhs life will change in September if you start working full time? That hes going to have to step up and do more round the house and yes, will have to solo parent some times?

Bare in mind your mum is not someone suitable to do wrap around childcare in September (and you might have staggered start in September so October might be better for starting new job!). Your DH might need to do some of thr drop offs/pick ups from childcare.

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 16/05/2022 16:40

The irony of her criticising your parenting the way she is speaking to her own child. Good lord.

well done OP on taking pro active steps to improve your and your child’s life. You are doing great.

MargosKaftan · 16/05/2022 16:39

The DH has to decide whats prepared to give. Either he continues to solely fund the family until say, Christmas so you can delay the internship until September, or pay for childcare, or suck up a few months of not having time with you in the evenings.

Serious chat time. Is your dh only really supportive of you retraining because its not effecting his life at all and expects you to bring in good money in September with no "pain" before then?

Your mum looking after DS is bad for him. So that has to stop.

MintJulia · 16/05/2022 16:38

Does the primary school have an after school club? My ds went from 3.30-6pm from the age of four and loved it. As an only child he discovered a little tribe of playmates.

And your child will be away from your mother's poisonous tongue.

Good luck with your job 🙂

Hugasauras · 16/05/2022 16:38

BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 16:36

For me to study e.g. 7-10pm it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night. He’ll get angry and tell me it’s not feasible because he needs to see me at some point and he needs some free time in the evening after working all day.

Show quote history

But surely he gets free time after your son is in bed, which must be by 8pmish? And it's a short-term situation that he might just have to suck up. My DH managed to work a full day and then put DD to bed when I had to work evenings, and it's something that will benefit the whole family so short-term pain for long-term gain.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/05/2022 16:37

For me to study e.g. 7-10pm it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night. He’ll get angry and tell me it’s not feasible because he needs to see me at some point and he needs some free time in the evening after working all day

So you have two people in your life who think your wants and needs don't deserve to get off the floor?

Hugasauras · 16/05/2022 16:36

Also if you can be flexible with it then working evenings is tough but doable. I was self-employed for the first couple of years of DD's life and I mostly did that work in the evenings and weekends. The short-term difficulty, for me, would far outweigh the long-term implications of having that odious woman involved with your child.