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Original poster

Being told I’m a disgrace because I’m not looking after my own child

140 replies

BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 16:08

I haven’t been able to work for a few years since having DS because of the cost of childcare plus the pandemic. I’ve been very bored and unhappy. My DH and I have decided that I need to re-enter the workforce when DS starts school in September, but in a better job than I had before. I’ve signed up for some online programming courses and we’ve taken a loan to pay for them. I’ve also got an unpaid internship, basically a local web company sends me some work every week and I do it for free (very slowly and not very competently as yet) in exchange for experience and a reference.

My 4yo goes to nursery from 9-11.30 then I pick him up and make his lunch, then my mum looks after him at home until 3pm. That gives me approx 5 hours to study. I’m not earning so paid childcare isn’t an option. But my mum is constantly being nasty to me. Saying you aren’t paying this child any attention, you never bother with him, you’re not a good mother, you’re lazy just sitting in the spare room all day, he likes me better than you because I make time to play with him. Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody”. My mum has basically just thrown him at me with a look of disgust and told me I’m a fucking disgrace as a mother because I don’t bother with him.

I should point out that my mother hasn’t worked since she had me and her entire life has revolved around raising kids. I’m trying to get skills to get a job to benefit my child in the long run. When I get a job I’ll be working for a lot more than 5 hours. Many women work and aren’t being told they’re a fucking disgrace because they aren’t spending all day with their children. DH isn’t being told he’s a fucking disgrace for being out at work for 10 hours a day. I don’t know what to say to her? If I tell her to fuck off I won’t be able to complete the courses I’ve paid for. I’m incredibly upset.

OP posts:
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Whatever00 · 16/05/2022 18:41

Your OH needs to step up and support you in the evenings. It's only short term. He might not need you to work but you need to work. Childcare is not only your responsibility. I would drastically reduce contact with your mum.

Spagaps · 16/05/2022 18:40

Sounds great to be retraining, although look at the funded tech courses- there are lots of them then you don't have to pay
.

username39583 · 16/05/2022 18:38

Viostep · 16/05/2022 16:17

"Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody"

Sounds like your disgrace of a mother is coaching your son and trying to turn him against you. Don't be niaive or think she wouldn't do this. Quite frankly she sounds abusive. I would seriously think about cutting her off (and I don't say that lightly), or at least drastically cut down your interactions. There's too much at stake here.

I appreciate money is an issue but you'll have to come up with something else. She has no right to speak to you this way and will damage your relationship with your son.

This also does your DS not get 30 free hours for nursery at this age?

brookstar · 16/05/2022 18:36

Working to have reason to spend time away from him when your family doesn’t need two incomes to function isn’t great.

Excuse me?

What a shitty comment.

LittleOwl153 · 16/05/2022 18:34

Have you done enough work with any of your internship clients that they might take you on - even at minimum wage - so that you earn enough to claim the 30hrs childcare? Although I guess if your ds is jn school from Sept then you are probably too late to claim.

I think you have to talk to your dh. He cannot simply wash his hands of any responsibility.

brookstar · 16/05/2022 18:33

For me to study e.g. 7-10pm it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night. He’ll get angry and tell me it’s not feasible because he needs to see me at some point and he needs some free time in the evening after working all day.

And? It's not forever.

You have a mother and a husband problem.
It is normal to want to work and sometimes you have to pick up some extra responsibilities to support your partner. It's how relationships work.

BeeLady15 · 16/05/2022 18:33

If I was you I’d not get your mum to do childcare any more. I’ve a child the same age as yours. Netflix and a few fruit snacks keeps him busy for a few hours. You could do that. You can also continue studying when he’s gone to bed and at the weekends. It’s hard but it’s what you have to do. I’m doing a part time masters at the moment. I’ve two young kids, work a senior and stressful full time job, as does my husband. I study late in to the night and at weekends. It’s not forever. A bigger problem is your husband however. If he’s not willing to step up to the plate in an equal partnership role or see your job as small fry and an optional extra, you’ve got big issues. Best of luck. You’re doing your best.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 16/05/2022 18:31

I think your mum is not very nice, but since you need her to look after your dc, I would just bite my tongue and tolerate for the time being.
Don't worry about what your dc says, your mum is putting the words into his mouth.
And once you start earning, don't take the free childcare even it's tempting, just get proper paid child care.

3luckystars · 16/05/2022 18:22

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. So your mother thinks that every parent that works is bad?

JennyForeigner · 16/05/2022 18:21

Your husband also sounds like a bit of a dick tbf.

JennyForeigner · 16/05/2022 18:19

Your mum sounds like an absolute cock. Agree with others - go it alone whatever you have to do, and I wish you every success. Whatever success looks like to YOU.

Bluetrews25 · 16/05/2022 18:18

Full of admiration for you doing this.
Sadly, have you realised that your DH will still expect you to do everything even when you are working FT, as 'you don't HAVE to work'?
Sigh.
We've got another one here.

SquidgyBread · 16/05/2022 18:16

@BananaShrimp have you considered changing to full time study? That way you get longer childcare paid for and more funding without having to rely on your mum for childcare.

Bordesleyhills · 16/05/2022 18:12

Are you Uk based as you have 30 hours free. Studying with a youngster is impossible in the day - could you extend the hours at nursery for your little one. Reality is many parents have to work- I stopped 12 months ago but wow I got guilt tripped by my mother that I was working. She’s calmer now as I have my son in nursery for 2 mornings a week and I quote its not a horrible nursery ( where she got that from is anyone’s guess) nursery is so important for their development too.

Bumblenums · 16/05/2022 18:09

OP you r doing brilliantly. Dont let anyone tell u otherwise. Ur mum is wrong and from a different era. Just eye roll and ignore for a few months, and take if for the crap that it is. Ur little one will be very proud when he is older when u can afford to give him a start in life xx

shiningstar2 · 16/05/2022 18:06

Perhaps your mother doesn't really want to commit to so much childcare op and instead of being honest about it, tries to guilt you into doing the childcare yourself. Perhaps she has genuine concerns about yours and your son's relationship. Either way, childcare from your mother isn't really working out. Seems to me you have a few options:
Have an honest conversation...not judgemental ...about whether she really wants to do childcare (lots of grandparents bite off more than they can chew with initial offers then don't know how to backtrack/opt for less)
Get your DH to step up. (He'll have to if you start work)
Leave the study until your son is at school and do it then.
Work/study around child being in bed and your dh's hours. (Lots of parents have no choice about this as they can't afford for one parent not to work)
In any event the childcare from DM doesn't seem to be working so it's not a good idea to rely on it. In your situation I think that it could cause a family tall out with no way back. Not worth it op. Good luck with whatever you decide 😀

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 18:06

I get 15 hours free nursery which is 3hrs per day. The nursery offers 9.00-11.30 which is only 2.5hrs, but they say “drop off is 8.45-9.00 and pickup is 11.30-11.45 so that’s the extra 30 minutes”. Which seems a bit sneaky but that’s how they do it. I’m not entitled to any additional hours because I’m not in paid work or full time study.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 16/05/2022 18:04

BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 16:29

I engage with him from 7-9am while we have breakfast and get ready. Also from 3-8pm in between cooking dinner and doing housework. And on weekends.

DH doesn’t engage with him in the morning, he gets ready and goes straight to work, and he doesn’t get home till 6.30. Nobody is telling him he’s a disgrace. I’m so angry and upset.

I was planning for my mum to collect DS from school and keep him 3-6pm until I finish work, which is roughly equivalent to the 3hrs a day she currently has him. But this criticism will obviously continue.

She’s angry because I don’t want to be a full time mother and she’s treated me nasty like this ever since I gave birth. When I had PND and struggled with birth injuries she was angry because she said I was ungrateful and selfish. She yelled at me “you’re not normal, why can’t you just be happy like a normal mother”. She regularly calls me selfish because I go out occasionally and get a babysitter. So this isn’t new behaviour. I haven’t told her to fuck off earlier because I have no other support.

Your mother is a psychopath. I would engage with her as little as possible.

Roastonsun8 · 16/05/2022 18:00

How many hours does your DC get? Is it 15 OP? How many days do you study a week?

9.30am till 11 seems odd hours.

RandomMess · 16/05/2022 17:58
Flowers

By hook or by crook you need to use paid childcare.

Neither your Mum or DH are decent, kind, supportive people 🤬

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 17:58

Working to have reason to spend time away from him when your family doesn’t need two incomes to function isn’t great.
So you think money is the only reason a person should want to work?

OP posts:
maxwellsilverhammer · 16/05/2022 17:54

YABU to be using this woman for childcare. She obviously resents it and is damaging your child in the process.

superplumb · 16/05/2022 17:50

I'd stop your mum babysitting.
Either wait until you get more childcare free at school then carry on with your career, or tell your husband to grow up and study when your child is in bed in evening.

LilacPoppy · 16/05/2022 17:47

Finding spending time with your ds boring, and it making you unhappy is not normal and your son will have picked up on that.
Working to have reason to spend time away from him when your family doesn’t need two incomes to function isn’t great.
Your dm should have worded things better but she is most likely concerned for her grandson.

DPotter · 16/05/2022 17:43

he can’t cover any sick days, he’s the head of department and not able to take days off. He struggles to even take his holidays

I had this from my DP (although he was wanting me to return to FT employment). Strangely enough his head of department at the time (female) finished work on time, and took every Wednesday afternoon off to watch her DSs play football / cricket. Of course your DH can take days off, of course he could take his holidays - he just chooses not too, but that's another thread.

I think it's excellent you're re-training - you have great motivation.

I agree with others drop your Mum for childcare - she's turning your boy from you. I'd also distance myself from her in general too - she doesn't sound like she's on your side at all.

Sit down with DH and talk him through what family life with a child is like - he needs to step up. And if he doesn't want to (don't accept he can't - that's absolute tosh), then you know where you and your DS sit on his list of priorities and you'll definitively need that new career.

Don't let the bastards grind you down!