Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Being told I’m a disgrace because I’m not looking after my own child

140 replies

BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 16:08

I haven’t been able to work for a few years since having DS because of the cost of childcare plus the pandemic. I’ve been very bored and unhappy. My DH and I have decided that I need to re-enter the workforce when DS starts school in September, but in a better job than I had before. I’ve signed up for some online programming courses and we’ve taken a loan to pay for them. I’ve also got an unpaid internship, basically a local web company sends me some work every week and I do it for free (very slowly and not very competently as yet) in exchange for experience and a reference.

My 4yo goes to nursery from 9-11.30 then I pick him up and make his lunch, then my mum looks after him at home until 3pm. That gives me approx 5 hours to study. I’m not earning so paid childcare isn’t an option. But my mum is constantly being nasty to me. Saying you aren’t paying this child any attention, you never bother with him, you’re not a good mother, you’re lazy just sitting in the spare room all day, he likes me better than you because I make time to play with him. Today when my mum was leaving DS was whinging “don’t go granny, you need to look after me, if you go I’ll have nobody”. My mum has basically just thrown him at me with a look of disgust and told me I’m a fucking disgrace as a mother because I don’t bother with him.

I should point out that my mother hasn’t worked since she had me and her entire life has revolved around raising kids. I’m trying to get skills to get a job to benefit my child in the long run. When I get a job I’ll be working for a lot more than 5 hours. Many women work and aren’t being told they’re a fucking disgrace because they aren’t spending all day with their children. DH isn’t being told he’s a fucking disgrace for being out at work for 10 hours a day. I don’t know what to say to her? If I tell her to fuck off I won’t be able to complete the courses I’ve paid for. I’m incredibly upset.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
dapsnotplimsolls · 16/05/2022 19:41

How long will your course take?

Hairyfairy01 · 16/05/2022 19:37

Clearly your mum isn't suitable for childcare, for whatever reason. To be fair, it does sound like she does a lot, but that does not excuse her words. You DH clearly isn't supportive at all, don't fool yourself that he is. It's not easy but I would be getting up an hour earlier than everyone else and then aiming to do another few hours in the evening. I'm sure your DH can managed a few bedtimes a week.

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 19:28

I second what people say about the unpaid work from the Web company.. is there any chance they could pay you something ( so you can put it towards even a few hours childcare?)
No. I’m not of any value to them. Much of what I do has to be re-done properly by one of their employees. Or it’s a fake “practice” task that they’ve created for me to have a go at. If anything they’re putting themselves out and doing me a favour by letting me do some tasks for them and giving me feedback and a reference.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 16/05/2022 19:24

The only person who is a disgrace is your mother!

Seems like she needs to validate her existence and her life choices by pushing her view point onto you! Your not a disgrace your setting a good example for your child that you should do things which make you happy and give you a challenge.

I work full time and I wouldn't change it I make sure my hours are flexible and I start early and finish early.
Speak to your partner see if there is money for childcare from his wage for after school club or childminder a few days then he does a few evenings. He's a parent as well and whilst not every evening he should support you like any partnership.

Herbyhippo · 16/05/2022 19:22

When you are working in the afternoon can you be interrupted? If so could you do an hour in the evening when your husband is home? Plus an hour or two whilst your child watches tv/plays CBeebies games? Or teach your monster to read?

Are you allowed to do the work in a weekend? 6-11am Saturday and Sunday is 10 hours completed and you still have most of the day free. Or 6-11am Saturday plus one hour each week day. I have always worked full time, senior role blah blah - I still do my fair share at home. My husband isn’t my personal skivvy. Plus the higher you are at work the more flexible it is in my experience.

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 19:20

Assuming like lots of people OP gave up work in the early years before any of the funded hours kick in because financially you are worse off working. Suddenly working becomes affordable again once they reach school age.
Yes. Also I’m retraining and hoping to get a better job than I had previously. My plan was to do the training and get up to speed to be able to apply for jobs by the time DS starts school in September. I suppose I could have waited until September to start training but I didn’t want to waste another year.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 16/05/2022 19:18

Could you do more at the weekend?
I can sort of see why DH might not want to be sole carer as soon as he gets in from work ( although I know this is what many parents especially DMs do on a daily basis) but would he be more amenable to doing a few hours at the weekend and either take DC out or you go somewhere else to study/do your work ?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/05/2022 19:17

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 16/05/2022 16:40

The irony of her criticising your parenting the way she is speaking to her own child. Good lord.

well done OP on taking pro active steps to improve your and your child’s life. You are doing great.

This! Your DM is doing you and your DC damage with these awful comments. Your DH needs to recognise that this is temporary and you need some support or some concessions from him to get your career back online.
I second what people say about the unpaid work from the Web company.. is there any chance they could pay you something ( so you can put it towards even a few hours childcare?)
Can you check if you are entitled to any childcare vouchers with a new employer? or maybe the web company or if you can claim any childcare benefits?
Please don't give up your chance to return to work.

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 19:15

MissMaple82 · 16/05/2022 19:05

A funded course would have also been a better option aswel rather than spending money on online courses that are rarely worth the paper they are written on, with money you say you don't have.

I don’t know of any funded courses that I can study flexibly from home? Lots of free courses require you to have a low household income, so my DH’s salary makes me ineligible. Or they require you to be “recently unemployed” which usually means six months or so, so I’m not eligible on that count either. Also I’d be restricted to whatever was available rather than being able to choose and pay for the ones I think are commercially relevant and likely to lead to a job.

OP posts:
beechhues · 16/05/2022 19:14

Hang on, a lot of online IT courses most definitely are worthwhile! @@BananaShrimp whatever you do, don't give up. You're doing all the right things and there are nice companies out there who will take on someone returning to work.

Call me an old cynic but given your dh and dm have always been selfish by the sounds of it, I'd say this latest tantrum is about her feeling unappreciated and I'd tell her and show her you appreciate her whilst making it clear is isn't okay to bad mouth you to your child.

And then i'd get my head down and get on with getting myself a good, interesting job.

Sally872 · 16/05/2022 19:14

Your mum isn't supportive so I would think of a new plan. Perhaps study/volunteer when child starts school?

And when they start school and study finished I would pay for after school care rather than mum as she is unkind to you about working.

pastabest · 16/05/2022 19:11

That doesn't make sense. Get a job now or get a job later, its the same either way. You've said your not working now because you can't afford it. So what makes you think you'll afford it later

Because her child will be in full time education from September so the childcare burden will be less and OP will be earning money which she isn't now.

Assuming like lots of people OP gave up work in the early years before any of the funded hours kick in because financially you are worse off working. Suddenly working becomes affordable again once they reach school age.

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 19:10

MissMaple82 · 16/05/2022 19:02

That doesn't make sense. Get a job now or get a job later, its the same either way. You've said your not working now because you can't afford it. So what makes you think you'll afford it later!

Show quote history

If I got a job now it would be a min wage customer service assistant which is what I did before I got pregnant. That doesn’t pay enough to cover childcare. I’m retraining in the hope of being a computer programmer which will pay more and then I can afford childcare. Plus my child will be in school so I’ll need less childcare anyway.

The problem is I need to complete the unpaid training courses to get that programming job. And I can’t afford childcare while I’m doing unpaid training courses. When I’ve completed the training and have some skills, then I’ll be able to get a paid job (more than min wage) and afford childcare.

OP posts:
SW1amp · 16/05/2022 19:07

MissMaple82 · 16/05/2022 19:02

That doesn't make sense. Get a job now or get a job later, its the same either way. You've said your not working now because you can't afford it. So what makes you think you'll afford it later!

Show quote history

Eh?

childcare costs money
OP is not currently earning money so can’t afford to pay for childcare

soon, op will have a job
that job will pay her money
she will use some of that money to pay for childcare

Booboobibles · 16/05/2022 19:07

What about doing 1.5 hours while your DS watches tv and 1.5 hours in the evening?

Your mother needs to be kept away from your son or she’s going to destroy your relationship. Your mum has some sort of personality disorder and wants control over you and all your relationships. She’s very very abusive.

She’s the type of mother who most daughters would have very low contact with. My mum is an absolute pain too (although she’s not evil like your mum) and when she moved away I realised how toxic her presence was. I still very much felt abandoned and lost without the childcare but I think ultimately I’m happier with her at a distance.

MissMaple82 · 16/05/2022 19:05

A funded course would have also been a better option aswel rather than spending money on online courses that are rarely worth the paper they are written on, with money you say you don't have.

MissMaple82 · 16/05/2022 19:02

BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 18:58

Because I’ll be earning money later and I’m not earning a single penny now?

Show quote history

That doesn't make sense. Get a job now or get a job later, its the same either way. You've said your not working now because you can't afford it. So what makes you think you'll afford it later!

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 18:58

MissMaple82 · 16/05/2022 18:55

So what makes you think you'll be able to afford childcare later if you can't afford it now though

Because I’ll be earning money later and I’m not earning a single penny now?

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 18:57

Staynow · 16/05/2022 18:45

Are you a volunteer or are you an intern? Are you aware that unpaid internships are illegal as everyone who works has to be paid minimum wage? If you are a volunteer then it's ok - but then you are not an intern.

It sounds like you're being treated badly all round.

Technically I’m a volunteer. They send me a few little tasks and I do them - very slowly because I’m just learning. Then I can claim I’ve had a programming job and get a reference. But I would put Intern on my CV and I’d tell interviewers I was an intern. I don’t think I’d get a job if I had no experience at all.

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 16/05/2022 18:55

So what makes you think you'll be able to afford childcare later if you can't afford it now though

SW1amp · 16/05/2022 18:54

Finding spending time with your ds boring, and it making you unhappy is not normal

its completely normal to find it boring at times. I think it’s not normal to enjoy every single second.

Original poster
BananaShrimp · 16/05/2022 18:52

You only get 30 hours free childcare if you’re earning min wage for at least 16 hours a week or claiming certain benefits. You’re not eligible if you’re studying or doing an unpaid internship. If you’re doing a 3 year undergraduate degree you can claim a childcare grant but other types of education aren’t eligible. So even if I went and did a masters I wouldn’t be eligible, and the professional skills courses I’m doing aren’t eligible either.

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 16/05/2022 18:46

30 hours is for working parents only. 15 hours is universal, regardless of situation.

Staynow · 16/05/2022 18:45

Are you a volunteer or are you an intern? Are you aware that unpaid internships are illegal as everyone who works has to be paid minimum wage? If you are a volunteer then it's ok - but then you are not an intern.

It sounds like you're being treated badly all round.

BuanoKubiamVej · 16/05/2022 18:42

You are doing brilliantly.

Your mother is a nasty poisonous toad who ideally shouldn't have any contact with her grandchild as she is clearly dripfeeding poison to him telling him that she loves him more than you do.

Could you link up with another mum to do a mutual childcare exchange arrangement to give yourself some childfree time (and the same amount of time with your child plus another child) without involving your mother?

Good luck with your studies. You are going to be fine in the long run.