Being told I’m a disgrace because I’m not looking after my own child

its completely doable and worth it to get ahead. So is putting on a movie every day for your DS.

What’s not ok is ever leaving your child alone with your mother again.

Do you know you can registered as self employed and claim 30 hours funding. You don’t have to make a profit for the first year. So if you can prove you are working on your business then it’s okay. Sounds to me like you are already doing that.

I think you’ll need to factor in after school club next year rather than your mum. The money you’ll save really won’t be worth the price you (and your son) will pay.

How long are you doing this internship for?
I agree that using your mum for this kind of wraparound care is clearly not working out. Her opinions and attitude are disappointing and very hurtful but she doesn’t sound like she’s about to change anytime soon so I’d look at what your alternative options are. It’s not a nice environment for your DS.

you have two issues here; your mum is awful but your partner is as well. is the child his? If he's this unsupportive when you're training, how on Earth will he be when you actually start working?

That's an excellent post from Brookstar and what should happen within a family. But in Thai family mum hasn't found a balance between studying/volunteering and making time for her DS, and the DH gets away with little to no parenting whilst the OPs mum picks up the slack from both. OP hasn't yet realised that working full time and having a poorly child is a nightmare that BOTH parents have to cover, it's not as easy as just finding some 'ad hoc childcare', so that'll be an eye opener for her. The DH massively needs to step up and she needs to address that because as it is her adult time with him on an evening is more important than him doing some parenting while she catches up on some studying. The only person coming off crap in this family at the minute is the DS who seems to have been sidelined a bit due to this imbalance. And the OPs mum who (whilst being massively out of order for saying what she said), is being far too heavily relied on for childcare. It's HARD getting that balance right as a working parent and we all drop the ball sometimes, but from what OP has said, the situation is untenable as it stands.

Ever heard the saying happy mum happy baby....... same goes for children.

If a SAHP hates it, is miserable etc then children pick up on this and often are miserable too!

The OP is doing something for the needs of the family unit as well to make it happier because she will be fulfilled.

This isn't a SAHP bashing thread, she wants to do it and trying to find ways to do so.

Why are the adults entitled to have their needs met before the child

In our house we look at the needs of the family.
We need a house and to pay bills so we need to work.
We both have careers we have worked hard for and enjoy. Being a SAHP wouldn't work for either of us, we'd be miserable which would impact the whole family. Therefore we choose to work.

We're a family. Everyone's needs are important.

@ChoiceMummy - I’m really pro SAHPs - in that I think it’s an undervalued role in society and you can do lots of good in it. However - We all have to play to our strengths - would you like to do a job you found difficult and didn’t like? It sounds like OP would enjoy things much more if she had some variety and balance. Why shouldn’t OPs husband find a better job with a work-life balance so that they can share different aspects of parenting and both have time for their child? Wouldn’t that be better for his wife and child?

Shock, horror, this parent thinks the child's needs should feature as a priority!

Please ignore absolutely every single ridiculous thing ChoiceMummy just said.

Honest to Pete.

What the bloody fuck. Have I stepped back into the 19th century........??!!!!!

I think so...

"So it’s up to me how I juggle work and child during the day. If I complain he just says well you don’t have to work at all because we don’t need the money, if you can’t manage child and work then don’t work"

If OP chooses to stay with her dh that is her choice but it is unfair to blame her dm who seems to be carrying the load which is why it reeks of entitlement

I wish you well op!

And leaving dc with dm which is obviously unsuitable (understatement) to appease dh and spend evenings with him to do so? There is plenty wrong with that and it certainly is not op trying to earn a living...

FFS.

OP is trying to earn a living...

Why are the adults entitled to have their needs met before the child

@ChoiceMummy ........ are you for real?

That statement that you didn't want to waste another year, effectively proves your mum right. You see raising your child as a waste of your time........ It's clear that this studying and "internship" is solely about your wishes/needs. It's not to do with what's best for your family unit, child or husband. It's all about you. ..... Sadly, in time to come, you may well realise that you were so lucky to have had the opportunity of this time with your child and have wasted it.

What the bloody fuck. Have I stepped back into the 19th century........??!!!!!

Choice Mummy has it right - your Mum is carrying the load. I Hope you do see how toxic the whole situation with your 'd'h is fir your own sake as well as your Sons.

Hi @BananaShrimp I've only read your posts but I'm shocked with your husband being head of department & making you ineligible for course funding you can't afford a few more more hours at nursery. Can you not afford it or does he not want to pay for it?

For me to study e.g. 7-10pm it would mean DH coming home after a full day at work and getting handed DS as soon as he walks in, having dinner on his own and doing bedtime every single night. He’ll get angry and tell me it’s not feasible because he needs to see me at some point and he needs some free time in the evening after working all day

So in order to placate DH and enable him to opt out of childcare you get your Mum to do 3hrs/day. I think you're taking advantage of her tbh & she's probably fed up doing every day.

You said up thread you do 10 hrs/week. But you seem to be busy all day every day?

I can't see why you need to do such long hours if it's volunteering. Have a couple of afternoons off & spend time with DS. It's such a nice age & he's going to be FT in school soon.

No, an employer isn't supposed to ask if you have DH, DC etc, but they're completely within their rights to ask if you have any responsibilities that could interfere with your attendance at work. And ad hoc childcare for a poorly child costs a fortune, so as far as I can see your DH needs to step up more, and you need to rely on your mum less going forward.

And if there’s services that offer ad hoc childcare for sick children of single parents then surely I could access that service too, so nobody has to stay off work.

People don't tend to use ad hoc childcare for sick children. The cost itself is usually prohibitive.
They tend to share it between themselves. In all honesty, not only is that how it should be but it's the only way most of us could manage.

I find men who refuse to do their fair share of parenting deeply unattractive.

If you started a business offering your coding skills on a self employed basis perhaps you would be eligible for the 30 hours then, according to the gov guidance ?

I've noticed since I had my first that a lot of other mother's take it personally that if you don't do exactly as they do/did. So if you work that you are looking down at them/shaming them without saying a word for staying home. And if you're a SAHM you must judge them for working (I've been accused of both and honestly I don't give two shits what people do). My MIL used to say I was being selfish and spoiling baby by breastfeeding for so long, simply because she didn't. Once a lady had a go at me at baby group because I told another mother that her baby might be super smart because he wasn't sleeping. So by saying that I must be calling her great sleeper stupid .
So basically I'm saying your mum is probably justifying how she raised you by bringing you down a peg. Ignore her, you're doing great.

Your mother and your DH sounds horrible and toxic. I'd get rid of both. And have you posted about this before? The story sounds really familiar.

That statement that you didn't want to waste another year, effectively proves your mum right. You see raising your child as a waste of your time.

Many parents study and work/run the home. They make sacrifices. You don't seem to be making any sacrifices beyond sacrificing your time with your child. You're not even willing to sacrifice some of your evening time with your adult husband!

It's clear that this studying and "internship" is solely about your wishes/needs. It's not to do with what's best for your family unit, child or husband. It's all about you.

Your mum has valid points. Her delivery is not ideal. But overall its your child who so obviously just wants a bit of your attention where you're not doing the housework etc and just squeezing him in between it all.

Sadly, in time to come, you may well realise that you were so lucky to have had the opportunity of this time with your child and have wasted it.

You're unlikely to suddenly walk into a programming job with this volunteering internship as you're trying to present it. And I imagine that for you to have any chance of success, it will come at further sacrifices by your son.

Oh dear - ad hoc childcare for a sick child is an emergency nanny. In my area this is charged at £18-20 per hour, plus usually a £30 fee to the agency. Or its unpaid leave.

Honestly, big chat time with your dh. Does he think being a good father and husband is just paying for things ? What support is he prepared to offer, given you dont want to be a full time SAHM. If you are made to stay at home to support his career, what long term plans does he have for your pension? What plans does he have to make sure you dont fear him running off with another woman (as he doesn't value you or particularly care if you are happy) leaving you in a poor financial position?

Time to talk carefully about this and listen. Does he like you enough to want you to be secure and happy? Or is he so selfish he doesn't care if you are happy or not?