Am I petty, mean, small minded and unreasonable, or justified?

My BIL lived with us and worked for DH in the year before we had our first child. It was all above board - he had P45, wage, NI paid etc. and free accomodation. What we never sorted out properly was the food and social aspect. Slightly different and potentially more awkward to confront as it was family but similar issues bothered me. He would eat with us all the time, even come food shopping with me but never once offered to contribute as if it were agreed that I would pay up for all food. Then on the couple of times he bothered to cook for us, he later handed me the receipt with a "no rush, but cash would be great as I am am going out later..." type comment. I was so gobsmacked and found him difficult to confront that I paid up and let it go. He never did any cleaning/houssework even though all of us were working fulltime. Despite living in our home and being related, because DH was his employer, when it came to money he was out to get everything and give nothing. It didn?t seem personal, he was pleasant enough about it just seemed to think it was perfectly reasonable and within his rights. Was very happy to see the back of him but also learnt a big lesson in sticking up for myself, thinking through any agreements and potential pitfalls first etc. TBH in his case I think it was like moving home again and he treated us a bit like parents and him the unthnking ungiving teenager. I wonder if some au pairs feel like this because they are living and working in the same environment that sorting out the boundaries of work and socialising is difficult?

I would take the next opportunity to sit down with him and ask him how he is setttling in and that you feel it would be worth reviewing your situation now you have had time to get used to each other etc. and let it lead on to what you can and cannot expect the other to provide/acceptable social limits in the house. If you don?t do it now, it could end up with him misjudging the boundaries thinkng you are cool about partying and having a big argument. Be honest with him, tell him you don?t like cig butts in the garden so arrange a sand filled plant pot that he promises to empty the next morning etc. etc. make a list of every bugging issue, however modern and thrash it out. That is presuming he is worth it and you want to keep him. I often think that if I had sat down with BIL and told him earlier that I had certain problems with his lifestyle and being taken for granted it would not have come to a huge show down with a "me or him" type conversation with DH and BIL leaving in a huff.
HTH I haven?t answered your question because limits of what is acceptable in personal. It also depends on how he said it and how embarrassed or indignant he seemed. It is ok to have differences in this type of thing but I suggest that you discuss it sooner than later. It is your home and ultimately he needs to remember that - and that you are his employer not a honey pot full of pocket money.

Calligula, could you explain a little about your employment contract with the Au Pair. Not having much experience of this sort, dont feel qualified to comment until I know a bit more....

um - never having been in this situation it's a bit hard to comment, but I think if it was me I'd say OK, don't bring your friends here and entertain them in my house, frankly. Why can't they go to wherever the cooking friend lives? That sounds as if it would be better all round.

OTOH might he be so pissed off he would leave? If so would that be a major problem?