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Original poster

Am I a terrible friend?

32 replies

muma2021 · 21/03/2022 20:56

My best friend is getting married and I’m the maid of honour. I am also a first time mum and my baby will be 10 months when we celebrate for her hen party that I am planning along with the other bridesmaids.

We have planned to go away for the weekend HOWEVER I think it would be unfair to leave my baby, we co-sleep and she nurses a lot through the night. I’ve never been away from her before, only an hour in the day and that’s a very recent thing as it is. How am I supposed to leave her for 2 nights and 3 days?!

Am I a terrible friend for not wanting to go because I don’t want to leave my baby? I know it won’t go down well (with bride) if I was honest and said that it’s not very practical for me at the moment - she’s already been making comments about how my baby will have no choice but to be left when it’s the hen do and the wedding!

How could I do this so it’s fair on everyone? I’m half tempted to just become ‘poorly’ when the time comes so she doesn’t feel so let down by me and I don’t look like the rubbish friend i clearly am.

I keep flitting between “my baby is more important than her feelings and looking like a bad friend” to thinking “baby will survive even though it’ll be hard for them and I know that but just go for it”
What would you do?
Gut says don’t go for me however much id like to.

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workshy44 · 21/03/2022 21:03

I would make an effort and go for one night. She is your best friend. I know people say if she is a friend she will understand but people become myopic when it comes to their wedding and I think if you bail entirely the friendship won't recover.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 21/03/2022 21:01

Personally I'd be up front, she's likely to be pissed off if you cancel last minute even if it's because you're 'ill'.

I would say, look, I am BFing and Co sleeping, and I don't want to leave my baby for your hen and wedding. I am honoured to be your maid of honour but I don't want to let you down either. If you still want me there for the planning and day time stuff then I'd love to, otherwise I want to give you the chance to choose someone else.

I expect she will probably be a bit grumpy but I hope she'll understand in the long run. I asked things of my friend and sister when they had little babies that I just didn't understand would be hard. If someone had asked them of me when I had little ones I would really have struggled to do the same. Blush

converseandjeans · 21/03/2022 21:01

The hen do I went to however was only one night. I don't know how hen dos have become a whole weekend!

AlexaShutUp · 21/03/2022 21:01

I wouldn't leave my baby if I wasn't ready to do so, and I would expect a decent friend to understand. However, I would also expect my closest friend to make an effort for my wedding.

Is there a compromise for the hen-do? Could dh and the baby travel with you so that you can be with the baby overnight but still be around for your friend? What about the wedding, I presume he and the baby are invited to that anyway?

Cuddlemuffin · 21/03/2022 21:01

Do what you feel is right for you and your baby. I would understand if you were my bridesmaid. A friend that doesn't understand this, isn't a great friend tbh. It's difficult for childfree people to understand sometimes but it shouldn't prevent someone from at least trying to see it from your perspective. Just explain the situation to her and make sure you've done everything else you can to make her wedding day special x

converseandjeans · 21/03/2022 21:00

How long away is it until hen do? Also what is distance from home? Could you not do one night?

I organised hen do when DS was 4 months old - but we didn't Co sleep & DH was very capable at looking after him.

I think you should make some effort tbh.

Haus1234 · 21/03/2022 20:59

How far is it - could you go for just one day?