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Original poster

Ex won't help have kids while I work

85 replies

Jodiebrighton · 27/02/2022 23:06

I'm an office and working from home administrator with 2 young children. My ex and father of our children is getting a job on the plans as cabin crew. His rota will change monthly and he will be doing long haul flights ranging from 3 -5 days away, 5-6 times a month. We have 50/50 joint custody. He has said I will need to have the kids while he works away and when he comes back, he will have them. I won't get a choice of days and only be told what days I will have the kids around the 25th of each month for the coming month. Am I expected to agree to this and change my days with the kids every month while he works his dream job. The kids have to move between my home and his every 3-5 days and this will change every single month. There seems to be no compromise from his side and I have to live my life around his rota on a month by month basis. I feel like I'm doing all the compromise and if we were together or not, nothing would change for him in this new job. Doesn't seem fair my life revolves around his job rota and he sacrifices nothing. Am I able to ask for half the month fixed days and the other half from around days he needs covering from his rota? I feel like he shouldn't of taken the job he he can't supply child care without it controlling my life also.

OP posts:
Ilovethewild · 16/03/2022 08:30

Op, his work only trumps yours if you agree to it.
Just respond with No, this doesn’t work.
I will make the children available to you on these days. (Consider sharing the weekends) And apply for mediation.

Don’t give in now as by the time it goes to court he could show it’s working, despite your protests. Don’t allow it to happen.

Even if it means things are difficult in the short term for you, this is a long term agreement.

Mediation is ideal to thrash this out , what happens if he changes jobs? Moves away? Lots to consider long term.
You need to adjust to being a single parent, possibly with most childcare.

Sorry this is happening, follow legal advice,

Fireflygal · 16/03/2022 07:58

Will he attend mediation? It's very reasonable for you to have alternative weekends so I suspect he will lose time with his children if can't make that happen.

If he doesn't attend mediation then you will have to attend and get a mediatior to sign off BEFORE court. No one can apply to court unless they are gone through mediation or had sign off. It won't look good for him, in court, if he doesn't go to mediation. He will be told this by a solicitor.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 16/03/2022 04:21

I could take the kids to my friends house while we sell our family home. But again, the ex won't agree days and just says my days are the days he works. So I still end up following his rota. I think they might do mediation but he has already said it's his rota or court. I've offered 5 days on, 5 days off or week on week off and he said that doesn't work for him. Court is an 8 week weight during which time il have to work full time and have the kids. His April rota shows he is off the last 3 weekends which means I won't have my kids any full days for 3 weeks unless he allows me and we haven't agreed days yet. He just assumes he has them on his test days. My weekend days are my rest days with the kids but his job seems to trump mine!!

OP posts:
Ilovethewild · 16/03/2022 04:10

Op,

It sounds like ex is only thinking about their parenting in a 4 week period.

What about:

Child’s activities- how will they take them to a weekly swimming lesson or beavers or football?
What about seeing friends/ play dates?
What about friends birthday parties that fall on their weekend?
What about school holidays? Who pays for childcare?

What they are suggesting works for them but doesn’t seem ideal for the children and that is what’s important.

Agree that mediation or court is required.

Just advice ex that the proposal doesn’t work for you so children will not be going on that day/time. And put in cms claim.

And get physically separated, he’s taking the piss!

Midlifemusings · 16/03/2022 03:13

This is all particularly grey because you still all live together in the same house so there isn't the usual disruption there would be for the kids of going back and forth.

Since you all live together, do you not still see the kids when the other parents has their allocated time? How does that work as you are still living in the same house and a 4 and 8 year old don't really understand the concept of don't talk or interact with Mommy on Wed to Friday.

The changing rota and 50/50 aren't going to work long term so you might as well go to mediation or court and get that hashed out now. While you live together it is a little blurrier. If he is home on his days off and in the house - it makes sense that he spend time with the kids.

You really need to get separate residences.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 16/03/2022 03:01

So He updated his rota on Friday morningg to the calendar and I was given 5 days notice. He starts today on 16th and goes away for 3 days. Back for 4 days and then away for 6 days and back for 4. That sees out the month. The first 4 days back are his rest days and he says he is having the kids but the weekend is my only time off to see the kids. He said I have them the 3 days before which is weds to Fridayy but I'm working full time so I only have them an hour in the morning before school and then in the evening when I do dinners bath and bed. He is basically forcing me to do his rota and is given me my days with the kids which are the days he works. I'm not getting a say. I'm basically being forced to follow his rota. I have a solicitor book for Thursday at a cost of £250 an hour. I'm worried a judge would see I have the kids around my job and making it permanent even though it's so hard and my ex doesn't have the kids when he works. I've been told a court order will take up to 8 weeks by which time the judge could say I've been able to facilitate so far so I should keep doing. I'm being forced to follow the rota.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 12/03/2022 09:36

Looking online now at c100 forms and it says miam is a legal requirement. I will complete the for tonight and go from there

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 12/03/2022 09:03

Then you need to request the miam and go to court.

timeisnotaline · 12/03/2022 08:33

If they’ve refused mediation then it’s court. I’m sorry op.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 12/03/2022 08:29

She refused mediation stating we only had teething problems.

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 12/03/2022 07:54

@Jodiebrighton

Thanks again for all the support. I just can't but worry and think it's all going to go wrong. As they are now starting their job, I have no choice but to say I'll have the kids while he works away as my kids won't have anyone else. I can't do that to them. It's emotional blackmail. What's my first point of contact for going to court?
Mediation unless there was dv involved in which case this is not appropriate.
Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 11/03/2022 23:17

Thanks again for all the support. I just can't but worry and think it's all going to go wrong. As they are now starting their job, I have no choice but to say I'll have the kids while he works away as my kids won't have anyone else. I can't do that to them. It's emotional blackmail. What's my first point of contact for going to court?

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 11/03/2022 21:14

@Jodiebrighton

It's a fair question. It's the sort of thing I would want to know just in case. I did do it for 4 years as we were a 2 person 2 income house hold and I wanted to support my partner. But we are no longer a couple. They just want me for child care now. Once I'm in mine own place with the kids half the time, my bills won't drop 50% but the household income will. So I have to work more and won't be able to commit to his rota. Plus I don't see why I should as it's his choice to do that kind of work. I'm sure it will be hard when he is away for 3-5 days sitting on a beach somewhere while I have both kids and a full time job plus overtime or a second job going on. And working around his rota of course.
Under usual circumstances, splitting parents that had a precedence set of shift work are normally expected to work around these post split, even if it means no set days or rolling contact dates.

Arguably, this wasn't set, but you were willing to work around this in principle presumably. Hence I think that my original post above stands. That you state 5050 with no consistency isn't fair on the children, but you will ensure that they have 2 overnight contact per 14 days working around his nrota is the way to go. You're working around him and yes that means no set dates, but also means that you have the certainty over the other 11 days a month that he would have had them.

Greenfields124 · 11/03/2022 17:19

He sounds awful.
With his new job he can't have 50/50.
His proposal is totally self indulgent and not what's best for your children.
Don't let walk over you OP.

ChocolateMassacre · 11/03/2022 17:05

Why don't you suggest that he has the kids during your working hours so you don't have to pay for childcare/afterschool/holiday club at all?

He can arrange his job around your life.

Oh wait, that doesn't work for him Hmm.

NorthSouthcatlady · 11/03/2022 16:15

Things have changed now they aren’t a couple. Why should OP have to arrange every waking hour around her ex. I don’t and wouldn’t. He sounds like a total bell end and CF for the record

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 11/03/2022 16:10

It's a fair question. It's the sort of thing I would want to know just in case. I did do it for 4 years as we were a 2 person 2 income house hold and I wanted to support my partner. But we are no longer a couple. They just want me for child care now. Once I'm in mine own place with the kids half the time, my bills won't drop 50% but the household income will. So I have to work more and won't be able to commit to his rota. Plus I don't see why I should as it's his choice to do that kind of work. I'm sure it will be hard when he is away for 3-5 days sitting on a beach somewhere while I have both kids and a full time job plus overtime or a second job going on. And working around his rota of course.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 11/03/2022 14:50

[quote findingsomeone]@purpleboy that makes no difference. When you're in a relationship you typically have sex with someone. When you break up you don't. It's normal to support life choices a partner makes when together and not after a breakup. You compromise. But the ex clearly isn't prepared to compromise.[/quote]
I'm not sure what sex has to do with it Confused
I was more musing over the judges perception of op being ok with the arrangement when they were together as it would have still impacted her the same way regarding work if he was on different shifts.

I don't think he is reasonable, I'm just wondering if it could change the judges perception because op initially agreed to it.

findingsomeone · 11/03/2022 14:29

@purpleboy that makes no difference. When you're in a relationship you typically have sex with someone. When you break up you don't. It's normal to support life choices a partner makes when together and not after a breakup. You compromise. But the ex clearly isn't prepared to compromise.

purpleboy · 11/03/2022 14:21

@Jodiebrighton

It's now been confirmed. He was offered it end of sept beginning of Oct last year and then ended things with me at the end of December. So 2 months lafter accepting it. He gave his notice in at his current job on 24th dec, and ended things with me on 27th dec. new job was supposed to start on jan 25th but BA hired 4000 people in one go and it became a mess. This was his 4th start date which was confirmed yesterday.
Would it make any difference that you were originally (when together) accepting of this new job? Would that go against you now?
Movingonup22 · 11/03/2022 13:57

Well on the upside he’s confirmed that he’s a dickhead that you’re well rid of! Good luck getting it sorted x

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 11/03/2022 13:55

It's now been confirmed. He was offered it end of sept beginning of Oct last year and then ended things with me at the end of December. So 2 months lafter accepting it. He gave his notice in at his current job on 24th dec, and ended things with me on 27th dec. new job was supposed to start on jan 25th but BA hired 4000 people in one go and it became a mess. This was his 4th start date which was confirmed yesterday.

OP posts:
UserError012345 · 11/03/2022 13:34

Is the job confirmed ?!

dfendyr · 11/03/2022 13:23

@Jodiebrighton

I wish it was that easy. Just spoke to them and said this and he said if you can't have the kids while I work away then I'll have them full time and I'll get an au-pair. I said you are threatening to take my children which isn't right and he said we'll if you can't cover my shift then I'll have to.
And you said off you go then, see you in court?
Theunamedcat · 11/03/2022 13:20

@Jodiebrighton

Thanks all. I saw a few questions were asked and to answer these the children are 4 and 8, boy and girl and we all live in the same house as we have a joint mortgage. I'm getting help from family to buy him out but on that side he is asking for crazy amounts. But that's another issue.
You need a rics valuation and make an offer based on that not an estate agent valuation