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Original poster

Ex won't help have kids while I work

85 replies

Jodiebrighton · 27/02/2022 23:06

I'm an office and working from home administrator with 2 young children. My ex and father of our children is getting a job on the plans as cabin crew. His rota will change monthly and he will be doing long haul flights ranging from 3 -5 days away, 5-6 times a month. We have 50/50 joint custody. He has said I will need to have the kids while he works away and when he comes back, he will have them. I won't get a choice of days and only be told what days I will have the kids around the 25th of each month for the coming month. Am I expected to agree to this and change my days with the kids every month while he works his dream job. The kids have to move between my home and his every 3-5 days and this will change every single month. There seems to be no compromise from his side and I have to live my life around his rota on a month by month basis. I feel like I'm doing all the compromise and if we were together or not, nothing would change for him in this new job. Doesn't seem fair my life revolves around his job rota and he sacrifices nothing. Am I able to ask for half the month fixed days and the other half from around days he needs covering from his rota? I feel like he shouldn't of taken the job he he can't supply child care without it controlling my life also.

OP posts:
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Goldbar · 11/04/2022 15:24

And go out on his days! Don't let him sleep until 2pm - leave him to look after the kids. Or charge him for the childcare.

Goldbar · 11/04/2022 15:22

It will be easier when you're not living together. He won't be able to make this arrangement work without your cooperation. Put forward your own suggested rota and make it clear you're not facilitating him anymore and won't necessarily be available for him to drop the kids off to.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 11/04/2022 14:45

Yeah it's the fact it's being forced on me and the kids, they took this job after we broke up and it's not like it's some over night shifts. 2 of his flights he is away for 4 days straight.

He finally agreed to mediation so hopefully that helps. He has that next week.

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CrowAndABut · 11/04/2022 14:37

My ex and I had this type of arrangement (I was the one doing overnight shift work) but we spoke about it at length before hand. We.were 50:50 and my rota was monthly. He was kind enough to have DC on the evenings / nights I was working - this also meant he didn't pay maintenance.

I sorted all childcare for after school and we paid half each.

It can be done but not when one person is forcing it on another.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 11/04/2022 14:25

For my weekdays I have the kids I will use breakfast clubs and after school clubs to work around my full time job. His days with the kids are his days off. He says the days he works away flying are my days with the kids. Regardless if I'm working.

Just thought I would update here with what these rotes are like. 2 flights return on a weekend day and he usually sleeps for 5 hours when he gets in as he works through the night on the way back. He counts these days as his even though he will be sleeping to around 2pm. I will have the kids until he wakes up apparently.

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Ponderingwindow · 11/04/2022 14:21

how are you supposed to secure child care for your days with this kind of arrangement?

I really think you need to talk to a different solicitor.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 11/04/2022 14:15

I can't see how this is right for the kids. He fully expects us to follow his rota and above is what they will be like. I will have them 17 days to his 14. This doesn't include delays which always happen on the plans. The kids move 11 times in 30 days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 11/04/2022 14:01

His first flying rota in for May. Each number is how many nights with each parent before the kids move to the next house
2 me
4 him
4 me
2 Him
3 me
3 him
3 me
3 him
4 me
2 him
2-3 Me

OP posts:
Goldbar · 17/03/2022 13:10

If parents don't have childcare, they can't go to work. It's not a child protection issue. Your ex is a parent. In order to work, he needs childcare (either you or someone else).

There isn't really any reason why you have to put yourself out to be reliable childcare for him, while he's not prepared to do the same for you. You don't really need to work around his shifts - he may end up getting into trouble at work or losing his job but there's no reason why you need to jump when he says 'jump'. He's not your employer and you're not his nanny.

If he wants you to be there as a reliable source of childcare for him, then he needs to have a sensible discussion with you about contact and maintenance arrangements which work for both of you. Otherwise, I'd be sending him MY work schedule and letting him know that I wouldn't be showing up to take over if it didn't fit with my schedule, even if it meant he was late or missed a flight. You're not the one-stop solution to his childcare issues.

WTF475878237NC · 17/03/2022 12:52

I think you need a free half hour with a different solicitor. Once you set a precedent you're going to find it so difficult to get out of it. It's not a safeguarding issue to say you're not losing your job to accommodate your ex's job.

Honeyroar · 17/03/2022 12:41

But it hasn’t worked for you. It’s caused you problems at work…

I was BA cabin crew for 23 years. Crew did tend to have their children when they were home, and had a lot of help from their ex’s and grand parents. It’s a very tough job to do as a single parent - which your ex is. Most were terrified of their ex taking them to court as it could be proved that they couldn’t be there enough for their kids to have joint custody. And the airline absolutely won’t bend for situations like this - if he can’t do the roster he’s out. Plus he will have regular standby blocks when he might have to go on a 9 day Australian trip with a couple of hours notice.

I’d see another solicitor- apply for a higher percentage of custody so you can fund regular childcare while he’s away, allowing you to work.

Goldbar · 17/03/2022 12:40

No they wouldn't. He would have to call into work, like many working parents do, and say that he couldn't come in due to childcare issues.

It is not a child protection issue to leave your children with their other responsible parent.

You have more power than you think. He can't use you as an unpaid babysitter unless you play ball.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 17/03/2022 12:37

Child services would get involved

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Goldbar · 17/03/2022 12:29

What would happen, OP, if you just weren't around for your ex to hand the kids over to when he needed to go to work?

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 17/03/2022 12:24

Spoke to the solicitor and didn't go well. Basically I have to have the kids while he works. Court could take 3 months after which he could highlight to them it's worked for 3 months.

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timeisnotaline · 17/03/2022 12:20

Where is his work? Can you drop the dc there? Days you’re in the office could you leave at 6am and message him to take the dc to school? And on weekends, take them out. Say to him ‘my working assumption is the same as yours- that to facilitate my working I have the dc for all of my non working days. Obviously I won’t leave them abandoned if you are flaky about it.’

ZoBo123 · 17/03/2022 07:50

Could you use the wrap around care on the other days for these next 8 weeks and show the additional cost in court that you have had to meet? Pay for out of joint account if poss.

Pumpfive · 17/03/2022 07:36

I'd agree a 50/50 agreement (4 days each or something) and if his days cross over with him being away then he needs to sort out a nanny/ childcare. Do not bow down to his requests. You've got to stand up to yourself.

Goldbar · 17/03/2022 07:30

You don't have to cooperate with him. Your mistake is feeling that you have no option when he just goes to work and leaves the children with you.

If he refuses to have a sensible discussion with you about this, just make sure you're out of the house when he's planning to drop the kids with you to go to work. Go and work somewhere else. Make yourself unavailable to him. When it starts to screw up his job, he'll be more willing to discuss how unreasonable he is being to treat you as his 'stand-by' nanny.

mangoandraspberries · 17/03/2022 06:50

You are putting yourself at too big a disadvantage long term if you agree to this. Once it's in place he has a precedent that you can make it work and therefore will be harder for you to convince a court that you cannot do it. As you have already said - what if your work changes its mind? They already aren't happy, and we all only get so many free passes with our employers. Shat if you want to change jobs? You need to think about protecting your position and earnings potential long term - this really doesn't work in your situation from what you have said.

WTF475878237NC · 17/03/2022 06:37

I just wouldn't facilitate this. Unless he agrees to mediation I would stop all contact on days you're not working and beg my friends and family for help when he's working. To be honest if you set up a fundraising page I'd rather donate money for childcare so you don't lose your job than let this bloody man walk all over you.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 17/03/2022 06:28

That's my biggest fear right now. I spoke to work and they emailed me and said that I need to complete my daily agreed contract hours as I said they could suffer going forward as I'm working with such a challenging ever changing rota. They want me to have more control over when I can work and make up time but they won't let me just miss time here and there. But I'm thinking why does it matter if I can do it now. What about the future if I want to change jobs. I can't because my rota works for him? I think that will be my go to answer for that. I won't set days so I can plan a career change and I can't to that if I have to plan around his rota.

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purpleboy · 16/03/2022 18:25

Op I know it seems impossible but I feel you need to change your mindset a little.
This is not okay, your work are not happy, could you get a letter from your boss starting in the short term they are willing to let you do this, but it cannot be long term?
Or my previous suggestion, have you got someone who could take them again with evidence of this being a short term thing until it's gets sorted in court.
That way you have shown that you have tried to do something to co operate but it isn't a long term option.

I'm worried if you just agree to it the court will go against you as he will say you can obviously do it. I don't think you should put yourself in that position.

Original poster
Jodiebrighton · 16/03/2022 18:14

Lat Friday he told me I have the kids this weds to Friday while he starts his new job. I'm working 8-5 all three days. I start work around 7 and will drop the kids off to at school around my work. I'll work for 6 hours straight and pick them up in my lunch at 3. I then have them at home with me for the last 90 mins of my work day while I finish my work. My work are not too over keen on this as they can be distraction. On Monday and Tuesdays I'm in the office so I use Clubs before and after school that cost £33 a day.

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purpleboy · 16/03/2022 10:59

I think you have to put your foot down, and tell him it doesn't work for you.

The weekends he is home and expects the kids, tell him he can have them for one day and you will have them the other, take them out before he gets up.

Are some of the days he is away also days you are working? How do you plan on picking up the kids etc..?

Could you ask someone else to pick up the kids and have them on your working days when he isn't there, so you can then show that it isn't a practical solution, especially if you get the person picking them up to put in writing they will help you out short term until court/mediation but they can't do it long term?