Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

Send her home.

Tell her you completely understand her position has changed since she's still maintaining a home and its related expenses, but so are you. Plus, you're fully supporting her while she's staying with you. Tell her she return to her own home and life and you will look into formal childcare for your little one and possibly a paying boarder.

that is very different from becoming his main carer day in, day out

She’s only doing a few hours a week.

My initial response was for you to suggest she takes payment for looking after your dc, off the amounts she is going to give you for rent, bills and food, but seriously, you need to sit and have a serious conversation about what the longer term plan is.

It is lovely (and not unusual I would have thought) that she wanted to come over and support you when you had your baby, and, as she is coming over to support you, not strange that she would stay in your home, but it seems after that there has been a lot of assuming going on rather than actual discussion about what the plan is for the next stage.
I don't know how you and your dh have tolerated having another person living in your home for so many months - but maybe there is some cultural expectation in that or maybe you just have a really amenable mother, and really laid back dh and a really big house ? But people are right about thinks like Visas, or 'right to remain' in the country usually only being temporary. Then add in 'right to work', and, if taking money from anyone for childcare, then all the registrations and checks that would have to be done for that - then tax, NI implications.
Then, if she is going to take on the role formally, will she expect to live with you? Do you both want her to live with you? What will she be contributing towards household costs, etc etc all needs to be looked at (plus, possibly, how she is managing her affairs - her property etc - in her own country_.

'helping out' means taking him for a half day so you can go shopping or get your hair done, or looking after him if you were exhausted and up all night. It doesn't mean full time unpaid carer. I'm pretty disgusted that anyone on MN thinks she's being unfair. Hardly feminist to think someone should care for a child in exchange for bed and board. Such devaluation of women's contribution.

Ask yourself - is what she is doing a job? Is it occasional help with you in tow or giving you a break, or is she main carer while you work. if she is, that's a very tough job and you need to apologise and give her a huge present or some money, make 100% sure she isn't out of pocket on the upkeep of her home while she's been tied to you and promise her you;ll never take her for granted again.

It’s a strange one if she’s living with you for free.

One thing that struck me- does she seem as sharp mentally as she normally is? One of my granny’s early dementia symptoms was that she became paranoid that people were taking advantage of her or stealing from her.

I would apologise, say you'd left baby with her as you thought that was what she wanted. However yo u can now see that you've become an imposition in her. Reassure her you will not ask her to have baby before you go back to work and will of course arrange for full time childcare. You don't want her to feel beholden to you due to paying or to feel she isn't free to go home whenever she chooses

Pay her and charge her rent, council tax, gas, electric, food, insurance, water, tv licence and anything I've forgotten

[quote ChildOfFriday]@NeverDropYourMoonCup I'm using the app on an iPad so I'm not sure if it is the same, but there is a filter symbol in the top right hand corner of the screen (next to the up and down arrows that let you switch the order of posts) that allows you to filter to see the OP's posts only. [/quote]
It's not there on Android - bottom left gives you Flip, Share and Reply. Wish it was, as it would make dealing with megathreads so much easier.

Hmm a bit of a strange one.
She’s always free to go home ?
Why don’t you “pay “ her a few pounds for 2 days a week and other 3 in nursery? It sounds like she could off it back home at any time, so you’re as well to get nursery started anyways
It sounds like she’s feeling a bit taken advantage of or overwhelmed-if it’s 5 days a week? Not that I agree-I think she has a nice set up.

My mil is taking my baby 2 days a week and can’t wait!

If she didn’t live with u rent free I would say u need to pay but she does she surly u just help each out her out x

You say that you also take her on holidays with you, is she also looking after the child on holiday?

Family don’t need to be registered to care for related family members. If she’s not paying whilst living with you then I would say that’s fine to pay you but we would expect you to contribute to the household

It sounds as though you've fallen into the trap of thinking you have free full-time childcare on tap and you're so annoyed that your mum doesn't want to do that, that you'd rather pay a nursery than pay your mum.
You need to apologise for assuming your mum was full-time free childcare. She never volunteered to do that.

How is she providing free childcare when they are providing free accommodation, food, utilities etc? No one can live for free

@Tarano17 😂😂 Really?

Even if she has another place no matter where, she still needs to pay for herself where ever she is living.

Would you have her staying at your house rent free and pay her holidays for nothing 😂

Shame on the mum for using her daughter when she’s on maternity leave.

As your MIL lives overseas there might be paperwork involved with her being paid and you count her as childcare when you return to work and also the length of time she is here depending on if she needed a visa or not.

So she lives with you rent and bills free and you’re taking advantage? No this is ridiculous.

Talk to her and say if she wants to stay living there she needs to contribute in rent, bills and food and then use that money to pay for nursery fees. Sorry but she’s taking advantage of you, not the other way around.

I think it all depends what is your relationship with your mother . Personally for me I am happy for my own mother to stay in my home rent free as she doesn’t have any income and I wouldn’t mind her paying some money every month just to make her feel more independent and appreciated , may be not the full amount that I would have paid to child care and at the same time would share fair share of parental responsibility . I would not say my mom though that I’m paying her for child care as she might get hurt that I’m
Paying her for her grandchild but I am aware that Sometimes it is a lot for a elderly person to look after a child , even I’m young and I get tired . It’s very clear that you mother is not happy with the current set up . Either she is feeling overwhelmed or may be she is not being able to feel the appreciation you’re feeling for her or may be she wants to move out but can’t tell ?? May be you need to give some quality time to your mother and talk to her more frankly but softly ? I dont know but it all comes to your relationship with you mother and the culture you’re from

Rent free, expenses free, no food shop to pay for and a few holidays thrown in for good measure - a few hours of free childcare in return for all of that is more and I mean MORE than fair.

She sounds very entitled and a bit of a CF to be honest. I’ve got second hand embarrassment that she’s asked for payment to look after her grandchild. If it was everyday 9-5 then I’d have some understanding but a few hours a week? Nah! Sorry! Cheeky!

Your Mother will still have bills to pay on her own property even if her property is another country.
You seem very ungrateful to the fact that your Mother moved from her own home in another country to help you and are just taking advantage of her. Shame on you.

Based on her living with you rent free I would have a conversation with her about how if you start to pay her she will need to contribute towards house hold bills etc. She cannot expect you to provide for her and pay a wage. I would look at other childcare rather than your mother, then point out that she may want to look into employment elsewhere. You cannot get help towards childcare costs for paying a relative but you may get help if its a registered provider. In which case your mother will need to get a job to pay her way or consider moving into a new place of her own or back to her own property.

op pay her and then charge her market rent and bills!

So, she lives with you for free…but begrudges babysitting for free for a few hours a week?

YANBU

Sit down and talk about it sensibly. Be willing to pay her a fair amount. But, I would also set out expectations of her paying rent at the same time.

Whilst I would never live with an adult child nor ask for payment for looking after grandchildren maybe you're missing something!

Not sure how old grandma is but perhaps she has plans - studies, short day/weekend trips, maybe a special 'friend'.... Perhaps you overestimated the amount of time she had planned for looking after her grandchild????

Perhaps she's not able to tell you that you're asking her to give up too much of her time because she feels guilty about living with you without paying - Presumably she can't afford to pay you rent!