Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

Yanbu

If you are paying money you get to choose someone with qualifications and certification and who you will be able to sack/walk away from if they don't work within your requirements.

Grandparent care is optional and only happens if both parents and grandparents are happy with the plan, is much less possible to regulate (you can't stop grandmas from giving their grandchildren too much chocolate. It's impossible), and is given freely out of love.

It's a really bad idea to mix family and money generally anyway but given that she's living with you her savings in living costs will surely more than outweigh any reasonable wage for what she does?

It's hard looking after a nine month old baby (and young women can struggle too),thats why we don't have babies naturally after a certain age. Don't begrudge her for wanting grandchildren. Send your child to nursery and ask if she would like to look after your child for part of day , have a chat about how she feels. You only get one mum.

Maybe she feels hurt that you see her as an unpaid childminder rather than a grandparent.

How old is she?
How much longer is she staying?
Have you got childcare in place for returning the work?
Does she want to go home?

If you are charging her to stay wit you maybe, otherwise no x

A bit cheeky given that she is living with you with no contribution to bills etc... but of course depends on the number of hours. A frank conversation is necessary.

I’d use a nursery anyway

Far better for development generally. Better experiences and keeps family relationships on even footing

Unfortunately we only hear one side of the story on this thread. I’d like to hear the Grandma’s side too.

I don't think I would take it for granted that my mother or father would babysit at all. The child belongs to you and you shoulder the entire responsibility. Any help should be freely given and accepted for what it is, occasional assistance. What is more important is how your relationship with your mother has come to this point.

Maybe it isn't about cash payment. Perhaps she feels undervalued. Do you expect her to be there 24/7? To provide childcare services whenever you need it? Maybe you need to work out what your expectations and needs are, and what her expectations and needs are. My son and daughter in law live with my husband and I. We have been minding our granddaughter while they work, from the time she was born. She is six now, and thank god she started kindergarden last september. It has been exhausting. We have given up vacations, much of our social life, and privacy. Our only payment has been the joy and privilege of being part of our only grandchild's life. HOWEVER, our kids appreciate what we are doing for them. They are careful and considerate about our schedule. When they are off work, we are off work. When they work from home, they take her for their lunch break, so we can have a break. When she has a day off from school, they try to work their schedules to have time with her. They don't expect us to be minding her while they run errands or have an evening out, without lots of advance warning, and they ask nicely and accept graciously when we decline.

@Prinzy OP has said that her mother only looks after the baby a few hours.

Sounds to me like she feels a little taken for granted. Grandparents, living with you or not, should not be used as childminders. You sound like you are trying to say she has no purpose other than to look after your child - I am a little shocked that you throw back she is living with you - if it doesnt suit, ask her to leave and stop taking advantage and playing the situation for your gain

[quote Tarano17]@Hertsgirl10 Yes really. What planet do you live on to think being a childminder for a new born baby could be described as a “holiday”????[/quote]
@Tarano17

I must have missed that update where she said she made her mum childmind her newborn on holiday.

Or are you being a tad dramatic?

There are many who seem to say if she is living rent free the cost is offset, the average cost of childcare far exceeds 1/3 of the average cost rent/groceries

She needs to go back to her own home. What an awful way to treat your child and grandchild.

I wouldn't dream of asking for money to look after my grandchildren.
My husband and I do it together.
The children range from 10 weeks to 10 years and we regularly do the school runs for the older children.
Youngest daughter is on maternity leave atm but we will resume 2 days a week with her 2 children next September ( almost 3 and 1 by then).
We have 3 other grandchildren who are an hour away and we do no childminding of them at all.

We love all our 7 grandchildren equally but there is a real bond between us and the 4 who we look after on a regular basis.
No amount of money could match that.

We also know how much ( certainly by our youngest daughter and son in law) we are appreciated.

We were teaching when the school run 9 and 10 year olds were babies but it is a pleasure to be able to look after the 2yr old and her little sister and the bond is/will be even stronger with those two.

Find it very hard to understand how she could ask for payment as she’s living rent free with you. Presumably she has her OAP pension which she has to spend. Understandably she doesn’t want to be taken for granted which is possibly why she’s asking for payment. I think maybe you need to talk openly has she financial problem?I think if you’re back at work then at least part time nursery so your mother does have some freedom

I think your mother in law is addicted to weed

When my parents looked after my first child (not v often) I always left them some cash to find coffees out, soft play etc. they never sent it all but I always left the change. Maybe a way round it? I totally understand why you would feel that way x

I always look at the situation as, being retired, I pressume she has worked her adult life.

I pressume her wanting grandchildren and being around them, are different to looking after them.

Depending on how many hours baby is left without th grandma, I would use this as an indicator of payment

Looking after children is a full time job, if she is helping on full time basis, she has effectively come out of retirement, also retired and looking after children, I imagine is exhausting.

You are no unreasonable to be shocked by the request, in particular if she is living with you rent free, however childcare is expensive for a reason.

Have a chat, work out some recompense, which could even be the living with you free of charge, but do remeber having family around to help, is a cost, that is decided by the value one see's in trustworthy childcare

She seems to think she can sit in your house like a cuckoo.

Suggest charging her rent?

It is very unreasonable for the OP to complain about her Mother wanting payment when nobody would look after a new born baby for free. Why do you expect your Mother to do it for free when she has already moved from her own home and country to support you with your DC? You are the Mother and as you don’t mention having any other children presumably this is your first? Even if it’s not you and your DP need to be bonding with your DC instead of burdening your DM to do the majority of it for free.
Every parent has been innyour position and even those who are very well off still have to pay for childcare. Why do you expect your Mother to do it for free when nobody else would. Because she is your Mother? That won’t cut it as she has already had her experience of having children and taking care of them so it is now you and your DP responsibility. Every parent gets tired with a new born but that is life you can’t just expect to pass it on to your Mother for a never ending period for free.