Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

Depends on how many hours you expect her to look after him.

The current set up can't work if your mother expects to be paid.

The extra cost of housing and feeding her is offset by the childcare she provides, saving you paying professionals.

If you're going to pay for childcare, you can't then afford to house and feed additional adults on a long-term basis. You might even need the bedroom back to get income from a lodger.

How much childcare is she doing?

Boundaries time.

She's either family or not. Free rent and everything and free childcare OR everything is a transaction.

Personally I'd go for she moves out and you see her as a grandparent rather than a housemate but that's me.

How many hours childcare is she doing?

She is being very grabby. I'd have one go at a conversation laying out how much it would cost for her to live if she is renting, buying her own food etc, so she can then see how much of a 'deal' she is getting. If she doesn't back down, I'd send her back home and pay for your own child care.

I would sit her down and say she has two choices

1. Stay with you for free and do the babysitting in return
2. Start to pay rent and a portion of the bills, you pay her as am employer and all that entails
3. She returns to her country, gets in with her life there and visits when she can

Personally it would be 1 or 3 for me

Agree with PP that you need to sit down and discuss it sensibly/calmly. You mention that she has a house in another country - is she paying rent or a mortgage on this house, and is there anyone living there at the moment? Have either you or your mother discussed how long you expect the current arrangement to last? Has there been any suggestion that she sells/gives up her own house and moves in with you permanently?

I agree with @HeddaGarbled. It's not really about the money is it, it's about how each of you is feeling about the arrangement. Clearly both of you feel a bit taken advantage of (either that or your mum has money trouble she hasn't told you about). Time for some very clear communication about how you feel and what you all need to move on happily and maintain the relationship. It won't necessarily be easy but try not to be too defensive about it all.

I expect she’s on her knees with exhaustion. She’s not ‘helping out’. She’s doing full time childcare for a baby. This is hard enough when you’re young, doubly hard when you’re retirement age.

Don’t get hung up on the money - think about what your mum needs to be happy and healthy, starting with reduced childcare duties and an independent income to spend on herself, perhaps an independent home and life which isn’t so subsumed into yours.

Firstly point out that as soon as she is Ofsted registered you will pay her.

Secondly tell her that as the amount you would owe her for childcare is less than the rent and living costs she owes you, you will prepare a bill for her.

Then look for a nursery and give her some housing ads.

Send your son to nursery.
He'll learn more there than with your mum.
She's selfish, pouncing off you and can't even offer a helping hand.
Entitled.

As far as I understand it she needs to be Ofsted registered if she wants to be paid for regular childcare (as opposed to babysitting)

This is only relevant if you are claiming childcare costs from benefits. I employed my mother for 6 years no registration required all above bored.

I think she needs to find somewhere else to live and stop sponging off you. 😬

This type of request doesn’t come from thin air. She either feels like you’re using her and so has asked for payment to end the arrangement, or you or your DH may have accidentally insulted or offended her by mentioning the extras you do pay for. If she were truly happy with you and your family she would never have asked for money, so you do need to delve a bit deeper before having a go.

I do think it’s incredibly easy to take in-house family childcare for granted when you don’t pay for it. You may deny it but I bet there have been loads of times you’ve made plans without consulting her knowing she’d be around to take care of the kids. Is she given carte blanche to discipline / make decisions about the kids or does everything have to go through you? I come from Indian and Romany families and so have experience of proper extended family living where childcare is expected, but even then it only works effectively when all adults get equal or near equal parenting rights and responsibilities.

Its not clear from the post, but the evil side of me would say 'I've calculated the free rent you've had for X months, at a cost of £xxxx, and taken of the childcare fees, so in total, you now just owe us £xxxx.'

In honesty though, is she paying rent, part of the household bills, food etc??? I'd have an adult sit down/chat. You need better communications between you all. It cant be assumed that she will mind your baby for free. Equally, it cannot be assumed she can live with you for free! Seems strange if its a rare, ad hoc thing, that she brings up payment now.

Are you paying for her holidays or bringing along someone to look after the baby so you can relax as the 2 situations are very different?

Are you expecting her to do full time childcare when you go back to work? That's a big ask as it limits her freedom. Is that really the issue here? If it's just occasional she is BU and you need to bring up the subject of rent etc.

Maybe she is cash strapped? Maybe check and see.
It really all depends on your relationship with your mum, for my own personal circumstances, I wouldn’t even think of rent food electricity etc when it comes to my mum it would be unconditional and I would offer a reasonable amount for taking care of baby if mentioned. It really all depends on your relationship that’s all.

I would pay her. It is hard looking after a 9 month old all day every day. I think it is odd that you don't. I paid my DM to look after my DC.