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Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 05/01/2022 01:15

So I reckon she's ok with a few hours and is worrying she will need to cover your working hours. She obviously isn't keen. I can see her point - she will be exhausted and tied down.

Mamanyt · 05/01/2022 01:04

I would be very tempted to say to her when she asks for the money for child care, "Certainly. Would you like that in cash, or should I apply it against the bill for your share of the living expenses?" That, however, might toss the fox into the hen house.

ThePlumVan · 05/01/2022 00:56

Personally I think the whole arrangement has run it’s course. You need to put baby in nursery when mat leave ends and she needs to return home.
It will cost more financially in the long run, but maintaining healthy relationships are more important.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/01/2022 00:48

I agree that she probably needs to go back home now.
I'm amazed that you've coped so well with having her in your home so long already, or maybe more that your DH has coped.

She's not an au pair, she's not a registered or qualified nanny, and this is not her job - she's the baby's grandparent. I'm assuming she has no job in the other country? How does she finance herself? Is she maybe running out of savings or something?

TurquoiseBaubles · 05/01/2022 00:46

I wonder is she bringing this up now as she knows you are returning to work? An ad-hoc arrangement of her staying with you for free, and in return doing a bit of childminding for free is one thing, but it may have occurred to her that you might want her to do it full time for free.

Wreath21 · 05/01/2022 00:45

I wonder if she actually wants to go home and asking for money is her way of signalling that the current arrangement isn't working for her - are you and your family generally disinclined to be direct about things?

Onthedunes · 05/01/2022 00:36

Yes she needs to return home, she can't be expected to look after a nine month old full time.

It's very hard work.

You going back to work is clearly worrying her.
She's your mom, she obviously been there whilst you were pregnant and gave birth, supported you and eased your journey into parenthood.

Be thankful for that, I never had a mother to help and would have loved that. But I would have never expected for her to look after a child full time.
If you wish her to remain, thats fine but not as a nanny.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/01/2022 00:36

Well, you could try and get somebody else to come and live with and look after your child for nothing more than a roof over their head and food - but then you'd potentially be falling foul of modern slavery laws.

Or you could just pay her and benefit from childcare from somebody who loves your child and is also available outside the hours of 7am-6pm.

Ellmau · 05/01/2022 00:35

Is she here on a visa? It might not allow for her to provide childcare anyway.

ittakes2 · 05/01/2022 00:34

Have a look at what Aupairs the offer and how much they are paid and see if it’s comparable. Maybe she feels she would like some pocket money to spend as she wants. You will find paying her as an au pair is cheaper than childcare. Maybe this has come up because she is thinking she will be doing full time care when you return to work.

VividImaginationAgain · 05/01/2022 00:31

Yep, it sounds like it’s time for her to go home.

immersivereader · 05/01/2022 00:29

She'll have to go home then

Onthedunes · 05/01/2022 00:28

Are you not back at work then, at the moment you are sharing childcare duties?

frazzledasarock · 05/01/2022 00:25

Maybe suggest she return home now she’s had enough of her grandchild and you can sort out your childcare for when you go back to work.

After a while house guests become a burden, and I think maybe you all need a break from eachother.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 05/01/2022 00:24

It's all a bit odd.

I am trying to imagine my husband's face if I told him my mum was moving in indefinitely just because.

Original poster
Candyfloss11 · 05/01/2022 00:21

@KaptainKaveman

How much childcare does she actually do?. If it's full time so you and dh can work then that's far too much. If it's a few hours per week then that's different.
A few hours a week but it was never demanded from her due to me being on mat leave so i had the time. I genuinely thought she wanted to just spend time with us but perhaps i was wrong.

I’m on mat leave at the moment but will be returning to work very soon. So will be needing full time childcare then.

OP posts:
ClaraThree · 05/01/2022 00:16

Maybe work out what you would be paying a live in nanny.
Must be at least minimum wage per hour.
So over 23 years that’s £8.51 increases to £9.50 in April. But nannies are paid more than minimum wage look at rates for your area for live in nannies.
You can only offset £58 per week for accommodation.
Work that out and see if maybe your mum has a point ? Have you been expecting too many hours?

Original poster
Candyfloss11 · 05/01/2022 00:15

@Wreath21

Agree with PP that you need to sit down and discuss it sensibly/calmly. You mention that she has a house in another country - is she paying rent or a mortgage on this house, and is there anyone living there at the moment? Have either you or your mother discussed how long you expect the current arrangement to last? Has there been any suggestion that she sells/gives up her own house and moves in with you permanently?
No mortgage on her property, and she is not cash strapped as far as i’m aware. No expectation for her to sell up or move in permanently. My husband won’t want her to stay perm. She came to me out of her own free will and I accepted. There is certainly no expectation that she has to stay indefinitely, we’re not a prison, she is free to do whatever she wants and i hope by having a sensible convo we can clear this up!
OP posts:
saraclara · 05/01/2022 00:09

If she's not to stay permanently, then you'd be wise to get a nursery place for your DC as soon as you can. Once she starts looking after him regularly, it will be much harder to ask her to leave.

You going back to work is a natural point at which you might suggest she goes back.

NowEvenBetter · 05/01/2022 00:08

….so what’s the thread for?

KaptainKaveman · 05/01/2022 00:05

How much childcare does she actually do?. If it's full time so you and dh can work then that's far too much. If it's a few hours per week then that's different.

Original poster
Candyfloss11 · 05/01/2022 00:04

No mortgage on her property, and she is not cash strapped as far as i’m aware. No expectation for her to sell up or move in permanently. My husband won’t want her to stay perm. She came to me
out of her own free will and I accepted. There is certainly no expectation that she has to stay indefinitely, we’re not a prison, she is free to do whatever she wants and i hope by having a sensible convo we can clear this up!

OP posts:
TheHoptimist · 05/01/2022 00:04

Does she have the right to work in the UK?

Bagamoyo1 · 05/01/2022 00:04

@HeddaGarbled

I expect she’s on her knees with exhaustion. She’s not ‘helping out’. She’s doing full time childcare for a baby. This is hard enough when you’re young, doubly hard when you’re retirement age.

Don’t get hung up on the money - think about what your mum needs to be happy and healthy, starting with reduced childcare duties and an independent income to spend on herself, perhaps an independent home and life which isn’t so subsumed into yours.

Where did you get the bit about full time childcare? OP mentions “when she goes back to work”, implying she’s still on maternity leave. Grandma is only helping when they’re “in a pinch”, not full time. And she’s living rent free with no bills!
converseandjeans · 05/01/2022 00:02

It would be better to send baby to nursery & then charge your Mum rent. I think she's expecting a lot to housed, fed and taken on holidays for free.

I think she would need to pay around £100/week to cover all that?

How much is she helping? Are you back in work?

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