Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

Time to book her passage home I’d say. Keep things amicable, thank her for her help, and wave her off cheerfully.

I would arrange the full time childcare ready for your return to work.

And suggest that she looks at moving back home fairly soon. It’s been so nice spending so much time with her, but soon the house will be empty for ten hours a day, Monday to Friday.

Have a chat, see what she is happy to do. Maybe ask for a contribution towards the bills, although I'd be wary of treating her like a lodger as she might outstay her welcome and then it will be awkward.

Have you got your childcare sorted for once mat leave ends? You could always stop asking her to look after the baby now you're more settled into a routine?

My mum charged me £49 a day for my unqualified, uninterested, jobless sister to mind my son. "She can't work, it's too much for her but she's skint and would be doing you a favour"

He went into full time nursery, I only asked them for help because they OFFERED.

Things turned out ok in the end and they visit DS regular but that almost destroyed everything

Going against the grain somewhat, we have a similar set up with my MIL and pay her as a live-in nanny. The difference is that she does full time childcare Monday to Friday and ad-hoc childcare whenever, so it's an absolute steal. Live-in nannies are exempt from national minimum wage requirements. We don't pay her very much- less than the cost of one nursery place and we have two DC- but she does get a monthly wage.

To class her as a live-in nanny for employment purposes though, you do need to be able to allocate her her own bathroom (she can share one with the DC).

Sounds out of order for a few hours, but can she she might want to be paid if she became the full time carer when you are back at work. Does she think you want to use her instead of nursery?

If she doesn't have friends, and a social life I would guess she is getting v bored and looking after baby is becoming more of a chore.

You need a chat - perhaps she could plan to head home in the spring. Point out she is living there free so you didn't expect to pay her.

I love visiting DGCs but wouldn't live with them.

@Candyfloss11

Just to chime in, I encountered a similar difficulty with the MIL. She volunteered to spend time with us during and shortly after the birth, which she did, but within a couple of months was complaining about money. She did not ask for a wage but complained that she was using her own money to support the household, which may have been the case, but she was told to raid the kitty for sundry expenses (which she never did, I did not find out why). She also complained that she felt exploited even though all of us contributed to the running of the household. Unfortunately, she did not articulate these feelings until the point she snapped, and the whole experience left a bitter taste in the mouth.

I suspect your mother was more than happy to help you - albeit on her terms. This is understandable but not really realistic when there is a newborn in the house as your mother's needs are right down the pecking order - and she knows it. In the case of my MIL, I believe she missed being at home and the freedom that entailed, and instead of communicating her feelings she let her resentment fester up until the point she finally lashed out.

I strongly suggest, for the sake of good relations with your mother, you give her a big hug, thank her for her time, then ship her back home.

Kick her the fuck out of your home. The cheek of the greedy bitch is astounding.

Time to send your mother home.

Do you know how much it costs to have live-in childcare (nanny) available from birth at all hours (night nurse) every day and without notice?

In this instance, the OP described it as a 'few hours per week' so in mercenary terms, the cost of paid child care would be less than rent, utilities etc.

It does seem strange that it has cropped up now. Perhaps she is worried she will be asked to do it full time when you go back to work? Maybe things have changed at home that you don't know about?

I’m guessing she thought she would be having a fun holiday with the new grandchild but once she arrived found it was more like full time employment? Has she been able to go out and do things by herself or is she reliant on you and your DH to give her money? I’m not sure what country she is from but her currency may not go far at all in the UK. It’s possible she feels embarrassed about not having any $$ and doesn’t want to feel like she has to ask you for cash whenever she needs to buy something. It’s also possible she’s underestimated how hard it is to look after a baby/toddler and is worried you’ll be asking her to do it permanently when you go back to work.

Whatever scenario, as a parent you always need to have professional paid care organised because relying on family friends for free care when you’re working is a recipe for disaster. You don’t want to be getting phone calls at work or be scrambling for options last minute. Paid care means there’s always something you can rely on.

You should charge her for bed and board.

She's staying rent free? Not paying towards bills?

Then she's taking the piss!

As far as I understand it she needs to be Ofsted registered if she wants to be paid for regular childcare (as opposed to babysitting)

Not when the childcare occurs in the child's home

This is only relevant if you are claiming childcare costs from benefits.

Also not quite right, there are a number of rules and regs that apply

Sounds to me like she's got herself in financial strife of some kind, used the grandson to get a roof over her head and the finances are even worse now so she needs more money...

she is not cash strapped as far as i’m aware

• as far as you're aware! How would you know?

Certainly organise and pay for full time childcare prior to returning to work. She cannot be relied on, it's just going to be a more sensible plan.

I’d ask her if she has any money problems? If not then I’d just say paying her for childcare would just feel odd and uncomfortable as she’d be your employee, so you think it’s better if you make other arrangements.

You need to check if she has a right to live in the UK, and if so, also has a right to work.
My MIL isn’t British. She can come and visit for up to 6 months but she must not do any paid work. I have seen enough Border Patrol tv shows to know that “helping out with childcare” and being paid for it is classed as work, and would be against visa conditions most of the time. You really need to check this, as if she breaches any rules she could get a ban from the country.

She needs to go home and you need nursery care (massively expensive in my experience) or an au pair.

I think it's time for her to go home, or if she really wants to spend time with you then move to her own place in the UK.
Sounds like she's fed up.

@Ozanj

I agree, au pairs usually stay rent free and are paid on top.

You will be taking advantage of your mother if she stays and you go back to work full time.

I think when your mother returns home you are going to find things more difficult, even if your child goes to nursery.
Having another pair of hands to pass baby to, or being able to nip out without baby with you are things you take for granted when you have company.

Good luck.
I think you will appreciate mom more once she's gone.

Does your mum do more than just help you out when you're "in a pinch"?
How often/ how many days a week/ how many hours does she have responsibility for your baby? Does she also cook/clean/do laundry etc. Does she buy food /groceries out of her money for the household? How much. How regularly? If she is more like a live in nanny/housekeeper then YABU.