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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:
rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 05/01/2022 09:29

Wow that sounds like a very awkward situation. I think you need to have a chat with her to figure out what's the best option for both of you. Maybe she just feel like she was taken for granted, not realising you are actually doing her a favour by letting her stay at yours, and there's other childcare options for you.

Pod351 · 05/01/2022 09:23

@NYnewstart

Agree but then tell her how much the rent will be. Oh and how much her share of holidays will be.

Actually I’d be really sad about this.

I second this. She's taking the biscuit. I would definitely pay her for childcare once she paid towards all household bills and holidays. Fair's fair.
grapewine · 05/01/2022 09:23

You must have a very understanding partner. Time to at least sit down and figure out how long your mother is staying for, irrespective of the childcare issue.

EmmasMum12 · 05/01/2022 09:20

It's reasonable for her to ask for pay as long as SHE pays HER way....rent/heating/food/council tax etc

If she doesn't feel that family should charge her 'keep' then id suggest that family also doesn't charge for childcare

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 05/01/2022 09:19

Think about what you would need to pay an au pair on top of board and lodging. That wouldn’t be full time child care, of course - you need to look at nursery to cover at least some of the hours.

irene9 · 05/01/2022 09:14

If you are not happy to have her living there long term then don't pay her for minding him.
Maybe neither of you is good at saying what your plans are. She has come to live with you to spend more time with your son but hasn't said how long she is staying. And you two haven't mentioned that either. But she has already stayed for a year! That's more than a holiday. Where does her post get sent to?
Are you very dependent on her? Does she do a lot of the cleaning and cooking?

GullyGawk · 05/01/2022 09:13

@converseandjeans

So I reckon she's ok with a few hours and is worrying she will need to cover your working hours. She obviously isn't keen. I can see her point - she will be exhausted and tied down.
This.
Pod351 · 05/01/2022 09:12

Sounds like it's time she moved out.

massiveblob · 05/01/2022 09:11

If you expect her to look after Dc when you go back to work then yes offer payment of some sort

massiveblob · 05/01/2022 09:06

You could treat her like an au pair?
Give her an allowance if she has no other income. Not sure what going rate is but cheap

diddl · 05/01/2022 09:03

So how much childcare has she been doing?

How many "pinches" have there been?

Have you started treating her like a nanny?

BellaChagall · 05/01/2022 09:02

How old is she?

appleturnovers · 05/01/2022 09:02

YANBU. Apart from the financial side that PPs have covered, I'd just find it hurtful that she a) sees looking after her grandchild occasionally as a transactional chore that she does for money not love, and b) that she didn't ask for payment but is now annoyed that you didn't read her mind and pay her. That's unfair and unreasonable of her.

ZenNudist · 05/01/2022 08:59

No this is not normal. Definitely sort childcare for when you go back to work as she obviously doesn't want to do it plus will go back home at some point.

Just get a babysitter if you need one. Don't start paying your own mother. Really bad precedent to set.

MarineBlue33 · 05/01/2022 08:56

I think your Mum must have talked to someone who has told her she should he paid. Ask her why she is expecting payment all of a sudden.
Certainly in non Western cultures, where there are several generations under one roof, a grandparent will look after grandchildren, " in exchange", they are looked after too but staying for free in their child's house.
Very unusual that she has asked for payment but not sure what is the norm in your culture.

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 05/01/2022 08:55

You say both that she has been with you a year and that your husband doesn't want her there permanently.

Think he has a bit of a shock coming...gran isnt going anywhere anytime soon...

Qwertykeys · 05/01/2022 08:54

I would use a nursery, then inform her due to childcare costs she needs to pay rent or live independently

millymae · 05/01/2022 08:52

Surely it would be best for everyone if OP arranged a nursery place and mum went home. Where I live nursery places have to be booked well in advance of being needed so mum may well still end up having to stay for awhile, so it wouldn’t be unreasonable to offer money to cover this.
OP has made it quite clear that her OH wouldn’t want mum to live with them permanently and it seems that mum is not prepared to stay anyway unless she is being paid, so an arrangement which seemed to suit everyone up until now has obviously run its natural course and needs to be brought to an end.

IncompleteSenten · 05/01/2022 08:49

Put your child in nursery and ask her when she plans to move back home.

TueWed · 05/01/2022 08:43

A few hours a week but it was never demanded from her due to me being on mat leave so i had the time

So when are you back to work? Are you there already?

The average Live In Nanny salary in the UK is £28223 annually, ranging from £20800 to £44500

Obviously she's not a professional nanny, but if you're going back full time, and you expect her to watch your baby full time you need to pay her.

Fundays12 · 05/01/2022 08:42

Very odd behaviour given she chose to come live with you. However I am wondering how many hours a few hours a week is? I know people who think grandparents having kids overnight and everyday for a few hours is a "few hours a week". The reality is the child spends more time with the grandparents than the parents and the grandparents become restenful as they are tired and burnt out while the child's parents are out having fun. If this isn't the case maybe have a serious conversation with your mum. Does she want to go back to her own country? Is she in financial problems? It sounds like something has triggered this demand and it's important to find out what is at the root of it. Good luck op

zafferana · 05/01/2022 08:38

I think if she's got to the point where she's wanting payment when she lives with you for free, it's time for her to go home!

A580Hojas · 05/01/2022 08:35

@KloppsTeeth

You need to check if she has a right to live in the UK, and if so, also has a right to work. My MIL isn’t British. She can come and visit for up to 6 months but she must not do any paid work. I have seen enough Border Patrol tv shows to know that “helping out with childcare” and being paid for it is classed as work, and would be against visa conditions most of the time. You really need to check this, as if she breaches any rules she could get a ban from the country.
This is the most relevant point on the thread. And if you haven't found a nursery for when you return to work you'd better start looking now!
Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 08:35

I’m also wondering if this is a full time thing. She’s come to stay to help you out for a period, she’s not moved in permanently, which is what your initial post reads like and it seems you’re intending on using her full time when you go back to work, which is likely a lot more helping out than she anticipated.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/01/2022 08:30

I’m on mat leave at the moment but will be returning to work very soon. So will be needing full time childcare then

So is that what she has in mind? Working as your full time childcare when you go back?

If so she will need to be registered but won't she also need a work visa and the relevant sponsorship or does she hold UK citizenship but normally reside abroad?

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