Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

The grandma is taking the piss I'm afraid. I'm guessing you might be a "grandma" lol

So, being a gramma (if indeed she is) invalidates her right to an opinion about...being a gramma?

I think a conversation to get her side of things is definitely needed, as another poster mentioned, this has not come out of thin air.
Was there a discussion when she came, about exactly what would be expected?
Very hard to comment on without her side of things.
I'm sorry to read all the negative comments about her when there has been nothing from her side.

The grandma is taking the piss I'm afraid. I'm guessing you might be a "grandma" lol

Really? You expect people to provide full time childcare in return for board and lodging because "grandma"?

Even Victorian servants received some pay.

The key issue is whether or not the OP's mother is talking about pay for teh odd hour during mat leave or full time care after her return to work. Judging by her later post I read it as the full time care but unless OP comes back to clarify we can't be sure either way.

Do you think she's been happy to do a few hours a week but with it becoming full time with your return to work she thinks you should pay her going forward. Theres a big difference between helping out a couple of days and a 40-50 hour working week.

First and foremost you have a communication problem. Each side here is making assumptions, not being direct and their needs/expectations are not being met. Have a frank discussion and agree that you’ll all be upfront going forward.

If you want her to keep looking after your DS, you should pay her but equally she needs to start contributing whilst staying at yours.

This your mum. Why can you not talk to her and find out what’s behind this? Where is she from? How long was expecting to come and stay with you? Does she speak to your child in her/your native language (invaluable if you are trying cultivate bilingualism)? Speaking as someone who didn’t live in the same country as either set of grandparents, I would consider it quite normal for a grandparent to stay for a time when a new grandchild was born and help out - without being paid for it! Moving in full time is another matter entirely and with Brexit this is now virtually impossible I would have thought. I might as well take my son to a nursery when I’m back at work suggests you were planning to use her for full-time childcare which is a completely different arrangement from her staying with you to spend some time with her grandchild - wanting to do the latter is an entirely different kettle of fish to agreeing to do the former.

Hmmm just reread your OP - But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

So you were expecting her to do full time child care for room and board? All because she wanted a grandchild? Hmmm...I think she's been quite smart to bring this up now. Gives you time to get sorted before going to work and she's pointing out that her time is valuable and should be respected. Yes take the room/board into account if this is going to be a long term arrangement but expecting child care when you return to work for 'love' is unreasonable.

Your DH doesn't want her there permanently, which makes sense. Def time for a nursery.

Yep, she is worried about doing full time childcare for no payment which is understandable. Why should she be your unpaid childminder when you return to work full time? If you have no intention of paying her, let her go home and pay for a nursery for your child........always baffles me how people expect their parents to be overjoyed at being given the opportunity to provide full time childcare for no payment. They have brought up their OWN kids and should be enjoying their older years without being unpaid skivvies for you while you save paying out for nursery. Pay her...or pay someone else twice as much.

You say your mother is retired but us she retirement age? I mean does she have a pension? You say she was s not cash strapped 'as far as you are aware'. I would be finding out about this. If she has no pension or actual source of income she may be very cash strapped but very reluctant to tell you this. Even though her living expenses are provided, everyone needs some personal money to just buy the odd item, maybe go out for coffee, maybe buy her grandchild something. No one wants to feel totally dependent on someone else for every incidental expense. Maybe she thought now that you are going back to work was a good time to broach this.

It’s not until later the op basically drip feeds in that the mother is only staying temporarily to help out with new born, and hinting the op is expecting her to provide full time child care when she returns to work.

If it had been written “ my mum came to stay temporarily to help me out, but I’m returning to work full time now and want her to do full time child care as I’m returning to work, and expect it for free as she’s staying here free, and she’s a bit upset by it and thinks she should be paid if she’s to stay and do it full time” the responses would be very different.

Most respondents are doing so on the initial post. Not the drip feed.

I’m on mat leave at the moment but will be returning to work very soon. So will be needing full time childcare then.

Have you sorted out or enquired about any external childcare for this? It's not something that can be left until the last minute as nurseries and childminders often have waiting lists.

If you haven't your mother is perhaps rightly nervous that she will end up at the very least being the stop gap childcare. A bit of babysitting is quite different to doing full days of childcare every week.

I started a new job when one of my DC's was a baby. I had a nursery place lined up but there was a month between my start date and the place becoming available. I asked my Mum to help out which she did but I could tell she didn't enjoy it and an 8-6 day with a baby was a bit much for her. Fortunately it was only 2 days per week and for a short period of time.

It's possible the prospect is too much for your Mum and she's using payment as a way to articulate that.

Ahh just read your update. Think I'd look into maybe paying her less than a nursery just until you find a nursery place. Encourage her to return to her home, if it's not working out well.

If she pays you food/bills and board, then I'd offer to pay her a little bit. If she doesn't pay anything then I wouldn't pay her, apart from expenses.

As you will soon need FT childcare, it’s a convenient time to bring this arrangement to a close. You find a FT solution and she goes home.

I cannot believe this thread.

OP, if you employed a live in Nanny, you would provide ALL board and lodging AND pay a fair wage for childcare.

But no, you want it all for free, just because Grandma.

You are taking the fucking piss.

I would explain that you are not allowed to pay her unless she is a qualified childminder. Also point out that you thought that she was doing it out of love. Tell her that you still wish to maintain a good relationship with her and you can see now that this arrangement has muddied the waters and then find a place at a nursery. Alternatively tell her that if you were to pay her, you would also feel obligated to charge her for any care that you provide to her in her old age.

I think trying to have a chat with her to see if wires have been crossed somewhere is a good idea. Neither of you are probably at fault, it seems more like a case of miscommunication.

However if both having your mother living with you and having to pay for outside childcare is going to be difficult for you longer term then it might be an idea to start planning a deadline for her returning to her own home.

How any hours over the past month has she done (alone) childcare, roughly? Does she contribute housework/cooking also?

Assuming you want to keep a good relationship, I'd probably just ask how much she feels you should pay her and see what she says. Or maybe you can start afresh with an hourly rate and then at least you can decide whether to pay if you want/need a babysitter. Then just never ask her to look after baby alone! I'd also ask her what her longer term plans are. It's not really fair to you or your DH for her to stay indefinitely at your expense (food, bills etc) and come on any holidays too!

I'd definitely look into nurseries asap - not to worry you but I found it really hard to find one with space near me although that was just as people were heading back to offices so it might not be such an issue now or in your area.

If she's not British (assuming you are in Britain) I doubt she can legally work anyway. I think you need to have a serious conversation

Find a nursery. Pronto.

Pay her something to keep the peace, accept that its the price of having taken her for granted sometimes and to make her feel valued.

Ship her home! Your husband doesn't want her there permanently, its not working for her clearly, and if you don't put the baby in nursery this will drag on.

IMO your aim is to end this amicably. I really wouldn't get into a debate about rent etc unless you want her to stay forever.

It’s an odd thread. It’s position that the mother came to live permanently for free, only does a few hours a week and has demanded payment, but the drip feed seems to be she only came to stay to help and the op is expecting her to full time care for her child instead of using nursery when she goes back to work.