Telling the au pair to go too soon?

Sounds like you've left her with nowhere to live and no job so rightly she is very upset. I am guessing this is a very young girl with little or no experience. Instead of coaching her and giving her the opportunity to improve, you have basically removed her self esteem, accommodation and means of feeding herself. I would not be happy sending my daughter to work for you. Is this your first au pair? And right before Christmas well done you

It's not working so she goes. Don't feel guilty. She's very young and inexperienced so she's bound to be upset. Be sympathetic but firm. Tell her that you didn't feel she did what was asked of her and for that reason she's going. She needs to learn that laziness wont get you far.

As for making lunch I’m a bit confused about how that fits in to working 2-7? What time do you eat lunch?

How much is she being paid?

Did you at any point explain what she needed to do? So say ‘oh did you manage to help the kids make their beds?’ Or something like that? You don’t know what you don’t know I suppose.

I do think unfortunately too many people get an au pair when what they need is a childminder/nanny. An au pair is supposed to get pocket money to do babysitting or ‘helping.’ They’re not a member of staff and shouldn’t be expected to do heavy work.

It’s clearly not working so get rid.

I think your expectations of an au pair are unrealistic though, they are barely more than kids, they are there to do some light babysitting and house work. What you need is a mother’s help.

But beyond that, they are so young they will just treat you like Mum if you let them. With things like making lunch and tidying yo the kitchen it appears you were very quick to jump in - you need to let them figure it out.

You don’t sound very nice and expect a lot, if you and your husband started collecting/bathing the children then she thought that was okay.

It seems expectation were not met or not discussed clearly or was the issue because of the mixed duties being carried out ?

sorry thought you said your LO was 2!

I am a qualified nanny and dont understand au pairs, especially when your LO is young

Sounds like poor communication. Did you have a meeting and discuss that she's needs to do more? Presumably she's young and perhaps just needed it re-explained to her. Maybe she feels awkward doing things when you are there doing them.

It sounds like you are not being very clear with her over what she actually has to do. Does she go to language lessons in the morning?

How much was she getting paid? I think what you were asking is quite a lot for an au pair, and what you got is not unusual.

You probably need to hire an actual nanny to meet your specific childcare wishes, and a cleaner for the housework.

I can see why she is upset. It was up to you to give her tasks to do and tell her how to spend the time when she is at work. If you were bustling around doing everything she didn't know what exactly was expected of her.

Did you point out the list of things she was supposed to do and didn't and ask her what she meant by poured her heart out since it clearly didn't involve doing the tasks she was hired to do

For everyone suggesting she needs a nanny, what for? There isn't enough work for an aupair, so a nanny would be bored out of her mind. It doesn't sound to me like the OP needs anyone!

Lots of people use the term au pair to mean employing a nanny for a very low (below minimum wage ) job. Au pair should help with childcare , light housework only , be with you to learn the language and culture.
You should pay the girls air fare home , give her a nice Christmas gift and then look to employ a nanny or housekeeper - paying the going rate for your area .

30 hours is actually at the upper end of the scale OP. It's more like 15 - 30 hours per week. Your demanding your au pair basically act as a nanny and that's unfair given her age, her experience and the salary you pay her.

I agree with previous posters that she has to be managed - you need to give her 3 hours in the evening where she picks the kids up, gives them a bath, feeds them dinner and then is allowed to "go home".

Your presence is blurring the boundaries, either you need her in which case you need to make yourself scarce so she can get on with the job, or you're there and can do it all yourself in which case you don't need an au pair.

But please remember, an au pair is someone who helps with the children but is also doing it for personal development; to either learn a new language or to live in a new place within an secure family environment - are you upholding your end of the deal?

Perhaps try leaving for a couple of hours to see what happens.

I am not familiar with the Italian school system but going to a tutor for 3 hours after school every day in the UK (if she is from UK) would be very unusual. I am wondering whether it may be partly a cultural difference in expectations between you and her. I don't think it would be unusual in the UK for a 4yr old to watch some TV at 6pm having been out at school all day, so she might be basing her expectations on what her experience of family life has been.

If she is fairly young then you would have needed to train her - have a schedule so she can see what she is supposed to be doing and when. Of course she might just be lazy or she might have needed more guidance and direction.

I think she was also upset because you turned it into her failing rather than you not really needing her anymore. That would have an effect on her confidence.

As the responsible adult, really, you went about it all wrong.
You've let her not do what you wanted her to do because you started doing it all yourself.
You should (in the afternoon) taken yourself off to study while she did what you'd contractually arranged for her to do. Look after the boy and fetch the girl from doposcuola etc. Presume you fetch the girl because she's at home with the boy, but what if you hadn't been there?
All moot now, and no, you probably shouldn't keep her on, but before taking another au pair you need to be clearer yourself what you want. And make it clear to them.

I have been an Au Pair, and I think its really hard when one parent is at home alot of the time. She might feel insecure and not knowing what to do when you're at home. Have you spoken with her and given her reasonable tasks to do during her working hours? And she needs set working hours. It's really important! Her job is also not to cook for the family, a light lunch for the kids, yes. But a dinner for the whole family, no. She agreed to come to your family when you were supposed to be out of the house working. That changed for her with no notice and she might struggle with it. Has she booked her return flight to Italy after Christmas? If she has and you have changed your mind about having her back, you really need to reimburse her if she has paid for the flights.

What were you paying her? I used to be an au pair when I was 19 and I saw my role as acting a bit like a responsible older sister. So yes I would look after the kids, tidy rooms, clear away meals, get drinks and make sandwiches but I wouldn't be doing any real cooking and I was only expected to do a few hours work per day in exchange for a very small amount of money. I think that a lot of people misunderstand the role of the au pair. They are not nannies or childminders and are generally paid not much more than pocket money.

Have you talked to her about it?