Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

If he wants 50/50 it needs to be a proper one where you both get weekends / days off otherwise he’ll just end up with all the fun stuff while you end up doing all the parenting. In your position I would take legal advice to hammer out an agreement that gives you days off with your kids too that will def pass through court.

And surely it's better for the child to be in childcare the same days every week regardless if Dad is at home or not.

Say Dads off M-Th one week, Tus-Fri the next, then Wed-Sat, that could mean the child is barely in nursery over those three week, but then when those are his working days kids never away.

Think what that does for settling the child in and friendship etc

I have no support if I stay living up North. My ex partner has told me he is not supporting me.

Yes he is. He wants to have your son fifty percent of the time. He doesn't need to support you on the days your son isn't with you.

Too much talk about the "rights" of the father, not enough talk about what's best for the child.

A baby should not be away from its mother overnight. I believe some experts say under 4's should not be away overnight.

Fuck knows why people are saying that his suggestion would be fair. The OP would have to adhere to a random schedule which would fit entirely round the father's work and not at all around hers. It would mean she would be arranging and paying fir childcare during her time and he would have to do none of that.
There is of course an argument that 50/50 should be the starting point but that means 50% of leisure as well as work time. It's also impractical in most situations so pragmatism needs to win out over 'fairness'.

What @Weegiewtf said 100%

Too m

interesting

An hour and a half is nothing. Some people commute that everyday. You can move back home and still split the week 50/50. You can meet halfway for handovers. I wouldn't let that stop you moving, especially if you're going to be in financial difficulties if you stay.

I'd ask for set days, otherwise it's going to be difficult to organise childcare. If your ex is working on one of his days, he will have to do what everyone else does and pay for childcare. Simple really.

Or call his bluff and say he can be primary carer and you'll have EOW. It will be interactive to see how he organises his shift work around that.

I'd move before he gets an injunction to stop you. Then it's a done deal. And you can discuss whether you can make 50/50 work from your new location.

Well 1st of all who does the primary care for the your child?

That's why a 50 % split might not be the best idea.

Secondly the best interests of the child is the consideration not the parent.

Parents don't have rights to have their children. It's the children's interests that trump.

If the primary care giver, ie the mother can't remain in the same area just to lack of support etc then it might be in the best interests of the child for the mother to move.

Also frequently ex partners who demand 50% of their child frequently use this as a form of abuse.

Children need stability and to be settled.

It's not the demands of the other parent that are paramount here.

Op obv if you could remain in the same area that is the ideal scenario for your child to have contact facilitated between the parents easily.

Be careful with mediation. If one of the parties is dominate you need a really strong mediator to stand up to that.

Think about the reason why you think your child should be with the majority of the time etc.

Sadly it is often only when children are older and become adults that they realise how unsettling living 50-50 has been. When they finally move into one home they can’t help but know the difference between feeling settled and constantly living in a suitcase

I can't see how 4 days on / 4 days off could work and I'd feel very sorry for any 1 year old subjected to such a disruptive routine. Young children need a primary carer and stable routine, argue against this all you like but it's a fact. This is not to say the other parent shouldn't be involved regularly, they should but the child's needs should come first always.

Its desperately sad that so many view 50/50 as the right approach (only approach?). All 50/50 does is satisfy usually one parent that they are getting what they are entitled to. No one thinks of the poor child who has to live between 2 homes, who feels chronically disorganised, unstable, never sure where their stuff is or if they have what they need. It's hard enough going between 2 homes every 2 weeks, let alone every few days. It is the quality not the quantity of the other parents involvement that benefits' the child not spending their life meeting their parent's need to feel they got a ''fair'' deal.

@nugget396

So many people on here underestimating the importance of emotional support and the whole 'it takes a village'. OP sounds very isolated where she is currently living, which makes parenting and being the best Mum you can be very difficult

Its not fair on either side, splits seldom are and comprises have to be made

If he wants 4 on 4 off, then that can be done, but to enable OP to work full time, ex will have to go halves on full-time child care (unless op can find a 4 on 4 off that matches ex time off but the odds of that are extremely low). As it's said above, any other way is not fair.

All other costs, school, clothing, trips etc should be 50/50 as well. No maintenance should be paid to either side, and if op earns less, then she should get the child benefit

Dads really can't win can they? If they don't want the kids 50/50 then they're lazy Disney dads, if they do, they're just doing it to be awkward. God forbid, they might actually love their kids and want to have equal access to them. Why should being a mum trump that?

I have 50/50 with my ex and it works well. It was important that the children saw both parents equally.

I'm gobsmacked at all the PPs suggesting that it's acceptable for a child to frequently be away from their mother for 4 days at a time. You can't be serious?!

Do what's best for you OP and he can do what's best for him. Then, you can both come to an arrangement for contact that's mutually agreeable

I don't understand why the child's best interests aren't linked to the mother's best interests.

What the father wants (a. For her not to move b. To have the child 4 days out of 8 c. For these days to be changing each week) is entirely in HIS best interests not 'the child's' and it is unreasonable.

OP, go to mediation with good reasons of how this pattern is going to be difficult for you to maintain and how the lack of support (financial?) will affect you and therefore your child.

The OP has no support where she currently lives, which could cause major problems for her, so it would be much more sensible for her to move to be nearer her family and the support she needs. Yes, it would have to change when the baby starts school, but by then things may have changed considerably. Would her ex still want 50/50 if he doesn’t get his dc on the days he wants? Plus, why on earth should the OP agree to allow her exP to have their child on all his days off? What about her days off, it would be nigh on impossible for her to get a job that fitted in with her ex? This is supposed to be a site that gives support to women, so I cannot understand why so many people are unfairly piling on the OP!

Ugh this horrible fashion now for 50/50 care - which is usually about the dad just being plain fucking awkward

It's NOT in the best interests of the child to be on some shift pattern to fit in with dad. And generally speaking, kids are better off with one secure base, not living a split life

I thank god that when I split with my youngests dad 14 years ago, this pattern wasn't a thing. He'd have wanted it purely to annoy me

I'm with you OP amd I'm sure there's a compromise to be had somewhere which isn't him demanding your son fit in with his shifts

Everyone thinks when they read dad wants 50/50 that he must be dad of the year! It isn't about what dad wants...it's about what is best for your lo and what works for both parents...four days on and four off to accommodate his work pattern isn't fair on you or your little one...all it says is that your ex is selfish and suiting himself...give your ex four days but days that suit you also..let him find childcare when he is working just like you will have to...refusing to support mum to a certain extent is not what I call good parenting on his behalf...we all make sacrifices and have struggles when we have children..seems your ex isn't willing to have any inconvenience to his life but has no problem inconvenicing you...

I wonder whether there is room for compromise here at all?
The OP's ex applies for similar job / transfer but in the town the OP wants to live to be near family. (good for OP)
This then makes it much easier for the OP to support access on a moving basis. (good for ex)
The OP's ex agrees to pay for half childcare costs if the OP needs to book them to enable her to work, whether the child is in childcare or not if it falls on his access? (good for child to live in family with more income)

If you go ahead with mediation then the Court will be focused on the best interests of the child. Your Ex's plan sounds like it is not in your child's best interests. Four days on and four days off means that the days that your child is with each parent will keep changing. This will make it almost impossible to place him in childcare and kindergarten or attend programs. This will have a negative impact on your child. I would suggest that this is how you present the problem to the mediator. You can also be very clear that this arrangement would substantially prohibit you from working which would negatively affect your ability to provide for your son. I can't imagine that you could work if you couldn't promise a workplace consistent days.

Your son deserves to be consistently attending high quality toddler programs / playgroups / childcare / kinder (in a few years). These run on consistent days of the week so you need to be able to plan for this. Consistency and routine is also to his benefit. It will be difficult to attend grandparent's houses, attend family functions or enjoy days out if the schedule is constantly changing.

YADNBU OP as this plan is madness and ONLY suits your Ex. I would head into mediation with some clear examples of why this changing schedule wouldn't be in the best interests of your son from the above perspectives. I would also have a clear alternative and some points on which you are willing to negotiate. Moving 90 minutes away is likely to be a big bone of contention. It's a long distance for a very young child on such as regular basis. I had to travel about 30-40 minutes each way after school for access every week and I hated it. I think that you might need to be prepared to do all the travelling or better yet, delay the move until your child is older and more able to cope with the travel. Could you move between your family and your current location? A 30 -40 minute trip would be more suitable and would suit reduce your commute to your family and let them offer you more support.

Some flexibility will be needed by you both but I absolutely would not agree to his plan of four days on and four days off. The only person that suits is him and it will NOT be in your son's best interest. You have a clear need to have consistent work days as well. Be ready to explain why this doesn't work. Good luck

You will get through this ! Stay strong-You have everything you need, with your courage, love and compassion to raise your child with your head held high, despite the nasty comments currently coming from your child’s Dad. With moving closer to your supportive family who have your back. this will benefit your child in countless ways.
Yes, of course you need to work with the child’s father in the interests of your child, but equally he must work also with you in the interests of the child.

Great that solicitor stated that moving to your supportive family is quite acceptable
While your child’s Dad wants 4 days, 50 % on days that benefit both parents is most he can expect