Unsure au pair - am I expecting too much?

Do they want an au-pair or a housekeeper?
cooking meals every night is a ridiculous requirement

Is it possible they found someone else and its awkward for them to say it, so they make everything to scare you off? the changed hours, the reduced pay, cooking family dinners - its not usual, so I bet they have someone else and waiting for you to refuse?

PS. I am afraid you will not find a better au-pair room in Paris, I reckon in other familes you would have to sleep in the childrens´ room... the same as in London in most cases. (if they are not super wealthy). Having your own tiny room sounds perfect, if its summer. Not for autumn/winter, when heating is important.

I au paired for a summer. It was in their vacation home in Corsica. I was expected to look after the little boy all day every day, I had no day off. I was not given any money until the end of my time, which they cut short by two weeks so I had to find accommodation, and they gave me less than agreed because I worked two weeks less, but that was their choice. They did fly me back to the mainland at least. I was however given a decent room and ate meals with the family. I was not expected to cook, though I did do the laundry. All in all but a great experience (plus the dad made a pass at me).
Are you expected to clean up after the dinner? Would you eat with them?
And I know those service rooms - my friend had one when she was an au pair. Shared hole in the floor with 20 other people, no washing facilities (though she was lucky to have a sink in her room). She showered in the family's apartment across the street.
They will not treat you better if this is how they start.

God no. Sounds awful. You’re not an indentured servant.

Ah pairs are in REALLY short supply because of Brexit (assuming you’ll be in the UK sorry haven’t read whole thread) so you will find something better

If I were your Mum I would be "super worried " too! Listen to your doubts they are there for a bloody good reason!

Just NO I think! They are being massive CFs here TBH.Cooking for the whole family every bloody night ? No way ,then in a chilly outer room .I would look around UK to start with and see how things go here .You can easily go home then if it didnt work out .

as they did seem nice

Personable, maybe. I wouldn't say they sound nice. Nice is how you treat people, not the graces you put on to charm someone.

Anybody can be personable in a conversation, doesn't make their behaviour nice. Or mean you owe them a "chance" .

I used to be an Aupair in the States many moons ago and I got much better "deal" than that. Move on and find a better family.

Go with your gut feeling.

But also, the best test of a family is what happens when you push back against stuff like this.

So don't be afraid to say 'I'll definitely need a wardrobe so you could order that before I come' and 'I think there's been a mistake because the contract cites different hours/wages to what we discussed?' and 'How is the room heated? Do you have a heater in there?'.

You don't have to either accept everything they say or leave. There is a middle ground where you change what doesn't work for you. It's a two way negotiation. Stand up for yourself. Good families will be fine with this. Bad families not so much!

A lot of friends from home don’t see the issue (apart from my mum who is super worried)

The thing they are probably missing is that you won’t be able to appreciate living in Paris if you aren’t being paid enough and your working hours mean you can’t go out and meet people in the evening or do much during the day.

The other issue is do they allow you to spend time in the apartment during the day and eat their food, or are you expected to stay in the chambre de bonne?

Beware. DD has only just escaped a 'nice' Parisian family; ended up in conditions approaching modern slavery; control of her bank account, 300E per month for regular 12 hour days. She travelled with them to look after their kids, but they didn't make any provision to feed her, so she was eating pot noodles in hotel rooms, while they dined with friends. Didn't help with medial attention when she had an accident, and expected to her to continue to work in their home after they had a positive PCR test. Shocking.

One lovely young told us

Missing the word woman there, not sure where it went!

If you’re going through an agency then tell them you’re not happy and why.
This family are not treating you well before you even begin.
Look for a better family.

There are so many decent families looking for au pairs, run a mile from this one.

I had au pairs when I was young, and into my early teens as my mum wanted someone in the house when I got home, even though I didn't need looking after by then!

They were always treated very much as as part of our family and we're still in touch with most of them. They had a lovely room and my mum spent lots of time making sure they had all the information they needed about how to find English classes, how to navigate living in London, what things they could do locally etc. (This was pre-internet so very much needed!).

We sometimes got other au pairs who were friends with ours, hanging out at our house, seeking advice on being treated terribly by families and my mum counselling them what to do! (Run a mile, basically!) It was a real eye opener as to how some families treat au pairs like old-school servants.

One lovely young told us how the family treated her terribly in myriad ways then told her she must smile and how she should greet them when she saw them! The brass cheek of them!

Ditch this family, you owe them nothing.

It may also be worth reflecting that as girls and women, we're socialised into putting others first, and this isn't a good thing! Although it can be hard to fight.

This, for example I want to give them a chance and make sure I’m worth having around is giving them too much. Give yourself a good chance for your au pair experience to be a success instead, by finding a much nicer family who actually deserve someone as nice as you. Advocate for yourself, not for these people who don't think you need more than a tiny, cold room!

As has been mentioned before an ‘au pair’ lives as part of the family which is why they are only given pocket money. www.gov.uk/au-pairs-employment-law/au-pairs I would guess that French employment law is similar (unless there have been massive changes since Brexit) and that if they are expecting you to work as a nanny different employment legislation kicks in.

From my experience working as an au pair in Paris (albeit a long time ago), it’s really normal to live in a chambre de bonne and that can be good because you aren’t living in top of the family. However, it can also be lonely and they vary hugely in quality. Do you have a private toilet and shower? I remember the plumbing could be a bit dodgy, but maybe things have moved on.

Also, do the hours allow you to study during the day and have some nights when you can socialise?

I can see why they would want you to start at 3.30 if that relates to school pick up, (and fairly normal to ‘start’ earlier if you also need to travel to school to do pick up), but have they increased your hours?

It’s very strange that they are French and expect you (British?, no particular culinary skills?) to cook every night for the entire family. What do they think you will cook? It implies that their expectations are unrealistic. Of course you might be an amazing cook, but it really isn’t something they should assume of an au pair.

She also didn’t do any housework, beyond tidying up after the children and loading the dishwasher. We paid for her to fly home when we went on holiday, and on one occasion, to visit her sister in Canada. The main thing for an au pair is to treat her as a member of the family - she had the choice to come on family outings (like an older teenage sibling would), and generally do family stuff with us.

They are asking too much. How much are they paying you? And is the chambre de bonne at the top of their house, or in an apartment block where they have an apartment? Do you share a bathroom? Cooking for the family every night - no way. Your evenings should be free apart from one or two evenings babysitting.

Our last au pair used to collect the children from school, go to the park or play in the garden with them if it was nice, games at home if not. Sometimes she would make dinner for them, if she wanted to cook, but mostly I would cook and she would heat up. She would either eat with the children or with us, or would go out with friends when we got home. Once we got in, she was off duty and her time was her own (and all weekend was free). We paid extra for babysitting during the week. This was about 18 years ago and we paid her €750 per month, plus health insurance.

I think the no heating is reason enough to not take it up.

This is horrible. Even just taking the bedroom into consideration , this shows they do not treat you with respect as care about your comfort. There should be a bed, comfortable chair , bedside table, wardrobe and ideally your own bathroom.

It sounds like they are really mean financially and deceitful changing your start time and pay. You will easily get about her job. Just leave before you have to go through the settling in period / build relationships with them.

Don't do it. It's not so much the amount of pocket money, or the size of the room, but the fact that they have moved the goalposts since you have spoken to them and expect you to just go along with it.

Also you would obviously need somewhere to store your clothes..? So why not just sort that for you now, ready for your arrival? An IKEA clothes rail, for example, isn't expensive. Telling you that you can have more furniture down the road, if you need it, sounds like they are fobbing you off. It will never materialise.

Don't do it. I'm a nanny and I had a family do this to me. What they said in conversations and the interview was different to what they put in the contract. You have to go with your gut feelings in this case.

Nope not good people. They shouldn't have changed the terms and conditions on you following what was verbally agreed. They want you to do more hours for less pay.
The room also is terrible. That's not welcoming in any way

Room just over the size of a king size bed. No bedside table, wardrobe, drawers, dressing table, desk, comfy chair? ... if they think that’s ok for you, they are not good people.

No no no no no. Et non.

Absolutely not.

A tiny freezing box room, cooking for them (they are Parisian? Not just one course ...) as well as looking after the children, and the number with an extra hour and less money says it all.

However nice, this will be miserable exploitation.

As an English au pair you could name your price. Get something much better. You are not obliged to them. Tell them you’re ill and back out.