Unsure au pair - am I expecting too much?

Tell me you are not going through with it!

I have been an au pair in france (shit experience) and had three au pairs (all of whom wanted to stay until the end of their visas, all of whom I’m in touch with and super attached to!)

There is no WAY you should be cooking dinner for all every night. Making a pot of pasta because mum or dad is late, great, cooking something quick for kids, sure. A pasta dish or fish fingers and veg, or sandwiches or reheating left overs is the most mine ever did, but tbh rarely that as I cooked for them!

All three had absolute horror stories of being treated abominably- one was by someone I knew who was super ‘nice’ but basically expected the services of a high-end full time nanny for a few hundred quid a month.

You sound so lovely and conscientious- trust me, there will be a fun, kind family that will LOVE to have you come to them. If you don’t get it right first off, leave and find someone else. Presumably this is your big life experience- you owe it to yourself to make it worthwhile, not to some unknown family!

Don't do it. Trust your instinct.
Many years back I was an au pair in Italy.
The mother seemed so lovely on the phone. Told me to book the most convenient flight (insisted that I didn't book the cheapest as they wanted me ASAP and would reimburse me)
The dc were lovely but the mother certainly was not.
After 6 weeks she still hadn't reimbursed me or even paid my salary. She also stole my return plane tickets so I couldn't just leave. Luckily my dparents knew an Italian lawyer and had her call to sort it out. The mother then acted all hurt and put out, but she did pay me.
She had me making 2 meals a day, spring cleaning and ironing. She made me work one day at the weekend and refused to let me meet a friend of mine on my birthday because she needed me to babysit, even though her sister was there and capable of babysitting.I wasn't allowed to use their washing machine unless I paid the equivalent of £5 a time, therefore I ended up trying to wash my clothes in their bath. She had a cupboard on the third floor landing full of real fur coats, so wasn't in any way strapped for cash.
Early on, the dc had told me that their previous two au pairs had run away in the night! It soon dawned on me why. I started to fantasise about how to do away with her, there how much I hated her guts!
I lied to her about a family emergency, spent another 3 weeks with friends who kindly let me stay with them and got the hell out of there. The kids were sad when I left and I was even more sad for them having such a horrible witch as a mother.
She called me a year later asking me if I'd like to come back again for the summer!

'Yes - but in the same way that an elder sibling or baby sitter would be responsible. It’s a responsible person following instructions until the parent returns.'

Exactly. Parents are away, au pair is in sole-charge of the children (but obviously following parents instructions, not making life decisions for them!). It's the same as a babysitter really.

The expats in Paris Facebook group is really good. There are a lot of au pairs who can give you advice and you'd probably be able to find a placement there too if you want something different

This is not true in the UK. Most people have au pairs for the purpose of before/after-school care while they work.

Yes - but in the same way that an elder sibling or baby sitter would be responsible. It’s a responsible person following instructions until the parent returns.

The room is illegal in Paris. It's 8m² or 12m³ of it's got a raised bed. You need to check if there are other tenants on the same floor. You'll likely be sharing a likely dirty toilet. Based on my experience of Paris, the room will almost certainly be damp, poorly insulated and unliveable in the summer. The family will certainly know all of this. Unfortunately, there are a lot of undocumented people in Paris so it's relatively common to treat foreigners as servants.

'An au pair never takes sole responsibility for the children'

This is not true in the UK. Most people have au pairs for the purpose of before/after-school care while they work.

Maybe in France it's different?

They are taking advantage.
An au pair never takes sole responsibility for the children or any domestic work; certainly NOT cooking family dinner every night. ( An Au pair might occasionally help sometimes by by peeling the potatoes or setting the table while the employer cooks dinner).

You should have a heated bedroom with seating, storage for clothes/books etc, curtains, good lighting, bedside light etc.

When is your regular off-duty time? They are supposed to allow time for you to see frirnds, attend language classes etc.

Red flags. You'll be Cinderella in a month.

They are not nice.

They upped your hours and lowered your pay.

They’ve given you a shit room.

Run a mile from the whole thing but I am fascinated by the idea that you would cook for the whole family every night. Just the children yes. But the whole family? How weird. Would they expect you to plan and shop for these meals too?

Just musings, who cares what they want, run a mile and find a more reasonable family.

I would withdraw, but be honest, don't say you're ill. I would say I was unsettled by the change of contract without discussion (times and money are pretty significant), and therefore withdrawing on the basis that you have better offers. An unheated garret room and cooking for a whole family every night sounds like a bargain basement maid, not an au pair!

To help you get an idea of what a normal au pair arrangement in Paris looks like, OP : europairservices.com/

Please run a mile from this OP. They are already cheating you. It will only get worse. .
There are much better ways of being in Paris than this.

'I reckon in other familes you would have to sleep in the childrens´ room... the same as in London in most cases. (if they are not super wealthy).'

This is not the case in the UK. Au pairs should always have their own room. The super wealthy generally go for nannies and not au pairs.

Shared hole in the floor with 20 other people, no washing facilities (though she was lucky to have a sink in her room). She showered in the family's apartment across the street.

some chambres de bonne have been converted to include en-suites and are small but comparable to student accommodation.

But yes, the basic set up is a small room and a toilet shared with anyone else who happens to have a room in the same building.

Don’t dot it op x

OP, I’m guessing you didn’t use an agency and you matched with this family on an online aupair forum? There are several reputable au pair agencies in Paris - I worked with ´Europair’ 10 years ago. It’s a good idea to take a look at their websites and see what they include in a standard’ contract. You can even call them up and explain your situation - they are likely to help you if it means they’ll be take on another family. You’re right that it’s a fairly major red flag that the family have changed the terms of the agreement after you arrived, and that they haven’t bothered to think about basic furniture for your room. I had a lot of au pair friends in Paris. The cases of abuse happen pretty much exclusively with families who have not gone through an agency, because the agencies have rules and standards and will pull an au pair out of a bad situation and help them find a different family. They also help mediate in cases where there are issues but not abuse - like different expectations about how to discipline children. Families that mistreat aupairs are black listed.

Don’t go, the room sounds hideous. I’ve worked as a live in nanny and when your room is the only space in the house that’s yours it has to be welcoming, so no where to store your belongings and coming up to the time of the year where you’ll need a warm room it doesn’t sound good. Plus they should be increasing your wages if you work an extra hour every day not cut them. All this before you even get there is enough of a warning.

There’ll be other lovely families out there just waiting for you.

Now way should an au-pair be expected to share the kids room @AquaPandora. I know a bunch of people who’ve hosted au-pairs in London and they all have spare rooms for them. It’s a requirement of the scheme, if you don’t have a spare room, you can’t get an au-pair.

I’d leave, and soon, before it gets cold!

That's appalling.

That sounds crap.

I wouldn’t want an unheated room.

Id want a desk and chair to study French, the whole reason for being there, at the very least. Where are you supposed to put your clothes at the end of the day? On the bed to keep you warm lol!!

If all French places are like that I’d suggest that’s a grande non.