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Original poster

Aupair employers - when does the weekend start for yours? and other questions...

59 replies

laura032004 · 30/11/2007 19:43

I'm struggling a bit with this. Our ap is great, and does whatever I ask, but I'm loathe to ask for some things for fear of seeming unreasonable. If you lot can tell me it's standard practise, I'll feel a lot more confident

We're working on a 25hrs per week contract. So 5 hours per day Monday - Friday. I would say I ask her to do nowhere near that amount of hours 'work'. However, I'm more or less happy with that, as she does lend a hand at other times too. I had envisaged her working 9-11 then 4.30-7.30, but it isn't really working out that way. She has language classes two mornings a week so leaves the house at 8am on those days. She doesn't get back until 1pm at the earliest, and I've said she's free to go to the gym afterwards, so I can't really expect her back much before 3pm. She also has a class on evening per week, so leaves at 5pm latest for that, but again, I've said tag going to the gym onto the class, so she'll probably leave at 3pmish. So basically I'm losing her for 3 of my 'sessions' per week. Also, the last two weeks, she has gone out on a Friday evening (I've said that's fine btw, as I didn't know what else to say), but that means I lose another sessions help. So out of 10, I'm actually getting 6.

I'm a SAHM, so I only really ask her to tidy the kitchen twice a day, hoover and tidy downstairs twice a day, and then another task of about half an hour once a day (clean bathroom, change DS's sheets, hoover upstairs, iron 5 shirts, mop kitchen floor). That's not too strenous is it? But I can't leave the kitchen on the times she's not around, so I'm doing that myself. Same with tidying and hoovering.

So what do I do? Can I say she can't go out on a Friday until 7.30pm? (I'd be happy to negotiate to say 7pm) What about the other days? Would you ask her to tidy the kitchen before she goes out in a morning? There's not really much to do, but it just grates a bit when I end up doing it.

Feel free to say if I'm being unreasonable? She's also contracted for 2 nights per week babysitting, but we're unlikely to use more than one night per month.

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blueshoes · 04/12/2007 09:39

Anna, I disagree. Light housework and childcare is par for the course. All the ap websites make that clear. I am my aupair's 3rd family that she has worked for and she has done all that laura's aupair has done in terms of cleaning (and more) without blinking.

Of course, in the interview process, I made it clear that she had to do cleaning. Some applicants baulked and preferred more childcare (even asking for sole charge), that is fine. I did not offer them.

laura, on the hoovering under the cushions thing, I would think it is reasonable to have to point that out to the ap specifically. I never thought of asking her to do that and the dcs do eat on the sofa too. My thing is skirting boards. I have specifically told her to wipe them. Her special task for this week is de-scaling the kettle!

Anna8888 · 04/12/2007 09:31

laura - your expectations of an au pair are quite unusual . Au pairs are supposed to be taking care of children (but not sole care) - they aren't housemaids.

Original poster
laura032004 · 04/12/2007 09:27

I don't see why not, but I suppose it will differ from person to person. My ap is quite a mature 21 year old. I could certainly do the tasks I ask her to (and a lot more) at 21. She has previous experience of hotel room cleaning, waitressing and kitchen work which I think is proving helpful (she makes beds much better than I do!).

However, the points that I mean are things like the fact that sofa cushions need to be removed at least a couple of times a week to be hoovered underneath, as DS2 eats rice crispies on the sofa... or rather doesn't eat them!

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RahRahRachel · 04/12/2007 08:18

I don't think you can expect an au pair to just "notice" what needs doing really, however much it stands out to you. Leaving her a note or telling her in the morning exactly what you want done that day is fine.

Original poster
laura032004 · 03/12/2007 21:14

Thanks for all your advice

I do try and praise where possible. I know I like recognition for a job well done, so I'm sure most people do. A couple of times when we haven't been in at the same time (so I've been going out just before she gets in), I've left quite detailed lists of 'extra' jobs that I want doing. Nothing terribly time consuming, but just things that stand out to me, that might take 5 minutes to put right. I'm hoping that if I do this a few times, then she'll start to notice them too. She's probably more houseproud than me anyway!

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bigshopper · 03/12/2007 21:04

I think having an au pair is good if you're on your own. You can feel safe that you have someone to help with night emergencies and things.

Don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you want - it sounds like you're nice to her and get on fine. The thing that's likely to bother her most is not knowing exactly what she's supposed to do, or whether you're happy with what she's doing. Everyone thrives on knowing that they have a role and on getting some recognition. Doesn't matter what the job is.

jINGLESbells · 03/12/2007 20:19

with regards to cleaning our agency said everything was suitable apart from:
ironing adult clothes (paid extra)
spring cleaning
heavy gardening (but could include mowing the lawn!!!!)
cleaning outside of windows

granarybeck · 02/12/2007 21:14

I agree with Ingles. I had orginally done a timetable fothe r our au pair that arrived a few weeks ago, then when she signed up for english classes three times a week she still knows what her tasks are for that day so does them as soon as she gets back, then when they are done it's her time. She seems to see it as making sure they are done in return for us being flexible about when she does her classes (as she can't take dcs to school that day). I think you're fine with the level of cleaning. Our agency listed all those things and more in the details of what would be suitable. I think doing 'responsabilities' as well as timetable has helped now our ap has language classes, so she knows that for example the children's ironing is for her to keep on top of whenever she has spare 'work' hours.

Sounds like you're sorting it out with her though. This is our first ap and it's certainly a learning curve!

jINGLESbells · 01/12/2007 12:46

Hi Laura,..sounds like your AP has got a really easy life!...My ap is paid for 6 hours a day, therefore she does 6 hours a day whether it's cleaning or childcare. IMO AP's are there as part of the household, if the floors need scrubbing and they are around that's what they do. I certainly don't pick and choose the easiest jobs for them or worry abut the amount of cleaning, they have to muck in here! As for college, my ap goes 2 mornings a week but then has to come back straight away and start her chores. If she wants to go to the gym she goes after she has finished her jobs. And the 2 mornings she is at college it's all cleaning, as she is not available to help with the kids, so..tough! I would agree on definite times for work now including college days after all I don't see why you should be paying for an AP if she's out having a great time whilst you do all the work.

QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide · 01/12/2007 11:05

oh that is tough. At least mine is reachable over the phone, and it is only around 3-4 times a year he is away. The longest he has ever been away for his 3 months, after we had the kids (mine are 5 1/2 and 2 1/2 now). Just such a thing as having to take one of them to hospital, is a headache if you are on your own. We dont have any family nearby to call on either, as I am from Norway and my husband is from Poland!

I think single parenthood is hard, but also because they are single, they can "move" on and create a big support network around themselves of friends and family, and as married women we hesitate to do that because, there is a partner just not here. Does that make sense?

Original poster
laura032004 · 01/12/2007 10:46

We're in the same boat then or should it be DH is in the Navy, so when he's away on a course, like he is for the next 5 months, he can't come home at all mid-week. And then he'll be on a submarine for the next 2 and a half years, so away for months at a time, with no potential to come home, or even be contacted if needs be

With no family nearby, it's not an enviable position. I have no idea how single parents with no support cope. Luckily I'm sure that people in my street would help out if I was in dire need, as we'll all be in the same position from time to time.

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QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide · 01/12/2007 10:37

That sounds a bit better Laura. As long as you both know that she has an easy time now, but that may change when need be.

My husband travels a lot, and is away for months at the time. I would be lost without another person in the house, "just in case" you know. And he is so far away (India) it would not be possible for him to come home quickly, it would take at least 24-36 hours!

Original poster
laura032004 · 01/12/2007 10:34

The problem is that I have no problem keeping on top of 'weekly' cleaning jobs. I struggle day to day when DH is away during the week. So actually, it's working quite well. It's not too much of a problem having her in the house - she's really nice, and as it's mainly just me and the DS's, it doesn't impact on us as much as it would if DH was around f/t.

She does seem to really like the kids - and they really like her. DS2, who is sometimes quite reserved, will run to her for a cuddle after less than two weeks. And DS1 gets upset when she goes out without him!

I do let her care for them where possible, but I don't really need much of that, as I'm usually around. I don't want to go out just so she can be with them! I'm sure that when the better weather comes, it will get easier, as we have a good culture of kids playing out in the street, so she'll be able to be out there with them whilst they do that. Luckily she's made good friends with a neighbours ap, so they'll be happy to be out there together.

She definitely knew the score before she came, and she's not unhappy with the level of work at all. In fact, I'd say she feels guilty that she's not doing more. But I'm happy about that, just to have the option to take more if and when I need it. For example, if I was really ill, DH couldn't just come home, so I feel I could call on her then. Her classes and gym are flexible, so I could ask her to cancel them if really neccesary.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide · 01/12/2007 10:20

Laura, wouldnt you be better off having a weekly cleaner rather than an au pair if she is really just tidying up and spending a week on doing what a cleaner would do in say, 3 hours?

With an au pair in the house you have the niggles, the extra food she eats, and to be honest, it doesnt seem like you are really utilizing her to her full potential?

What do you mean when you say she cant help you get the kids up in the morning?

I bet she is quite disillusioned if she came her to take care of children (like au pairs do) and instead is a domestic cleaner instead.

And frankly, it doesnt seem like you need her for the hours you have specified, it is not like you have children she needs to get ready for school/nursery. You are the boss, you set the hours, so I find it odd that you have set down a routine that A) does not really benefit you and B) clashes with her schedule which somehow seem to take priority.

I have had a written timetable for all my aupairs, it is on the notice board in the kitchen, along with emergency phone numbers. It shows when to get up, what to do in the morning, what child to take where, etc. Her time off is marked, it is up to her how she fills this time, courses, the gym. In any event, she knows when to come back, she knows what is expected of her, and she is off 7.30. If she has no plans, she keeps helping tidying up, and sometimes, she asks if she can leave earlier (to baby sit with other family, which is fine) and then she makes sure she does as much as possible prior to going.

One of the main things is that my au pairs have all become totally smitten with my children, this is what makes them happy in their "work", the rapport they get, the joy they get from making baby/toddler smile and come running to hug them. It is an emotional bond. The only way for this to happen, and for your aupair to "attach" herself to you and your family is through letting her care for your kids a little, I think.

Original poster
laura032004 · 01/12/2007 10:04

I only hoover twice a day out of necessity! DS2 likes to throw food all over the place.

Well, off her own back she offered to help out this afternoon, but we don't really need that as DH is around today, so asked her if she could help me out tomorow evening instead when DH has gone back.

I think all will be fine - at least she's aware that she is getting off lightly at the moment. Completely agree about needing to make changes sooner rather than later, so will have a good think about extra jobs. I haven't asked her to do any meal prep yet, or any cooking, so might have to delegate some of that as well.

Thanks everyone

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Weegle · 01/12/2007 08:01

crikey - you hoover twice a day?! I feel like a right slob now - we hoover twice a week!

She obviously can't do those things when you need her to, so I think you're going to have to accept that you're going to have to do them. With the exception perhaps of Friday when I think it would be fair to say she can't go out until 7pm. To make you feel better I think you need to think of some things that she can do and ask her to extend hours on other "sessions" so that you feel satisfied. Could she do some batch cooking to make evening meals easier for you? Could she make and change beds? Try and think of some of the things that you currently do which aren't time specific and see if you can delegate her those. You could use the Sunday evening tidy-up suggestion as a bargain tool for other things ie. you suggest to her your ideal but tell her where her choice is, that way she won't feel demoralised that you're suddenly heaping extra responsibilities on her. She sounds like she's eager to please normally so hopefully this will stand you in good stead.

It's hard when their classes eat so much in to the day. I actually need my AP more over the middle of the day but her classes are Mon/Wed/Fri meaning she's out from 11.30-3.30 on those days. It annoyed me to begin with but then we worked round it and I set her other things for times she CAN do. Mostly what I give her to do are dinner prep/baby food/batch cooking/beds/ad hoc cleaning/shopping/taking DS to give me a break.

I would definitely advocate making the changes sooner rather than later because the longer it's left the longer she'll feel "well that's not my job, and it was ok till now" and you don't want any bad feeling.

Good luck

Original poster
laura032004 · 30/11/2007 21:43

Well, the main thing that is time specific is sorting out the kitchen after breakfast and evening meal, and hoovering round after breakfast and evening meal. If they're not done straight away, I can't leave them, so I do them. If she's at a class until 1pm (earliest poss time home), I can't leave everything lying around until then. Same with the evening stuff. If she went out at 5pm, we wouldn't have had dinner yet, so no mess created. By 6pm, we've finished, so kitchen needs tidying, and everywhere needs a quick hoover. But she doesn't get back until 9pm. I can't leave it all that long, and I'm not sure she'd want to start it at 9pm either.

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Weegle · 30/11/2007 21:08

So what are you actually NEEDING her to do when she's at the classes? I'm confused! What is done then that can't be done at a different point in the day?

Original poster
laura032004 · 30/11/2007 21:00

What I meant by not knowing our routine, is that by the time she's up, the kids are up, changed, fed and dressed. So she couldn't do any of that even if she was willing to get up earlier, because she doesn't know how. However, going back to bed is an attractive option.

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Original poster
laura032004 · 30/11/2007 20:58

The thing is Weegle, I don't need her when she's at the gym, it's when she's actually at the classes. The gym just extends that a bit.

BS - I would never ask her to get up at 5am. Without paying extra anyway! I don't mind at all that she doesn't get up until 8.30am (earliest - poss even 9 or 10), as DS2 cries a lot in the night, and I know it's disturbing her sleep.

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frannikin · 30/11/2007 20:57

Well it's down to your definition of weekend really when you're dealing with live-in help. When I was a live-in nanny I was free to leave when the parents got home Friday night, but had to be back before 10pm on Sunday evening - my weekend was Friday night-Sunday evening. So yeah, I think that a Sunday evening tidy-up is fine.

I wouldn't take her up on the Sunday morning offer though! Especially if your DCs are up at 5am.

Original poster
laura032004 · 30/11/2007 20:55

Thanks blueshoes. Glad to know that I'm not being completely unreasonable about levels of cleaning The kitchen literally takes her about quarter of an hour (20 mins with mopping), but as DS2 is such a needy baby, it would take me probably an hour or more, and that really gets me down. Also, I work from home in the evenings once the kids are in bed, so I don't want to be doing things then really.

OP posts:
Weegle · 30/11/2007 20:48

I'd be very wary taking time from the weekend - they really should be allowed that time off I think. Can you not set her tasks during the weekday to compensate for those 4 sessions? Also maybe she should be going to the gym then, not when you need her?

blueshoes · 30/11/2007 20:47

Getting her up at 5 am on a Sunday is a bit rough! You are up at 5 am? Respect.

Perhaps she can wake up at a more reasonable time. You soldier on from 5 am and then go back to bed at, say, 8:30 am.

Weegle · 30/11/2007 20:44

I "exchange" things if the hours on a particualr day don't suit my ideal - I like felxibility on both sides. So She knows that Monday - she hoovers, Tuesday- bathroom, Wednesday - highchair, Thursday - bins, Friday - hoover & mop: these are set but she can do them when she wants. On top of that laundry is her responsibility and I expect her to fit that in around when she is in/out. But say one day she help with DS on an outing because of college so we will be out during her "work" hours then I will ask her to prepare veg for dinner, or make some baby food - whatever needs doing. Normally these jobs are less than half an hour but will help me out no end at the end of the day. So on the four sessions where she's not available for her "set" hours set her others tasks but let her work out when she will do them?