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Original poster

Grandparents don't seem interested

55 replies

clairejnelly · 07/04/2021 14:50

My parents live over an hour away but are obsessed with my 3 month old.

My partners parents are 10 mins away but not that bothered.

I understand all grandparents are different. Recently I've suffered with post natal depression, insomnia and we have just moved house. We asked if they would sit with our daughter to give us some time out and we felt like we were putting on them... it didn't feel natural.

His mum has been off work for 10 days and hasn't asked to see the baby or spend time, but we have nipped round to theirs.

I can't help but feel upset, but at the same time I'm fully aware that we are all different...

How can I feel differently?

OP posts:
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Howshouldibehave · 12/04/2021 11:40

Covid tests

WTF?!

So what support do you want from them-did you answer that? What exactly do you want them to do?

UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea · 12/04/2021 10:46

I was actually thinking like once a month asking them, I don't need regular childcare as my mum comes over each week and me and my husband have our own business. I wouldn't think it would be unreasonable to ask once a month maybe?

You don’t seem to be listening to the answers you’ve been given, @clairejnelly. Once a month babysitting is regular childcare! You keep saying you don’t want childcare from them, but that’s exactly what you’re demanding. Confused They see the baby regularly when you visit them, and they are under no obligation to ‘support’ your decision to have a child, I’m afraid. If you are struggling with being a new mum, I strongly suggest talking to your health visitor (who can signpost you towards baby groups, peer and professional support networks), and drawing on the support that it sounds like your parents are very happy to give. Keep visiting your parents in law with your husband and family, and their relationship with their grandchild will naturally develop.

PurBal · 11/04/2021 11:52

I wish my mother wasn't interested! She's actually asked to see DS around once a month, which we feel is far too much for us. Everyone has different expectations.

SavingsQuestions · 11/04/2021 11:40

So youve seen them twice in 10 days.... which is lots. What more do you actually want from them?

Pyewackect · 11/04/2021 10:53

My parents weren’t in the same country so I had no hope there and my in laws were still working. I went back to work so we employed a nanny who didn’t mind throwing the vacuum around.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/04/2021 10:37

@clairejnelly COVID tests don’t change the rules.

QforCucumber · 11/04/2021 10:21

Ds2 is 10 months old. Ds1 is 5. They get looked after ad hoc by mil, but nothing even as regular as once a month. Tbf we've never left ds2 with her yet as we've not been anywhere due to covid.

Agree with others that a regular monthly agreement can seem like a lot.

Original poster
clairejnelly · 11/04/2021 10:15

@ineedaholidaynow

As we are still restricted on seeing people, how are you seeing both your parents and your inlaws *@clairejnelly*
Covid tests
OP posts:
MattyGroves · 10/04/2021 12:18

@Howshouldibehave

We don't want childcare, just support as new parents with us all. Not just the baby.

Oh right-from your first post you wanted them to sit with the baby to give you a break-that sounded like childcare to me. What exactly do you want them to do?

And then followed up by saying that she was thinking of asking them to look after the baby once a month. It kind of does sound like you want childcare from them - which isn't a given, many grandparents don't want to do childcare especially for very young babies, they may feel differently when the child is older.
Howshouldibehave · 10/04/2021 12:14

We don't want childcare, just support as new parents with us all. Not just the baby.

Oh right-from your first post you wanted them to sit with the baby to give you a break-that sounded like childcare to me. What exactly do you want them to do?

Original poster
clairejnelly · 10/04/2021 12:13

@Howshouldibehave

His mum has been off work for 10 days and hasn't asked to see the baby or spend time, but we have nipped round to theirs.

Yes we visited twice in the time they were off

So you’re objecting to the fact that she was off for a week and didn’t ask to see the baby, yet they DID see the baby twice so wouldn’t need to ask?

Yes feels like unless we make an effort, they don't. I'm not sure about your upbringing but my family are all super close and all help each other out... I appreciate everyone is different but I'm only human and this is alien to me... to not be involved or for them to initiate seeing the baby or offering support for us?
OP posts:
user1493494961 · 10/04/2021 12:12

They've only had 12 weeks or so to be 'disinterested'. Give them a chance, it's all a bit new.

ineedaholidaynow · 10/04/2021 12:12

As we are still restricted on seeing people, how are you seeing both your parents and your inlaws @clairejnelly

JemimaTiggywinkle · 10/04/2021 12:11

Everyone seems very grumpy this morning!

I agree with you OP that it would be nice if they showed a bit more interest and initiated meeting up.

Whether they want to look after the baby on their own is a different matter, but they should make an effort to see you as a family.

MeadowHay · 10/04/2021 12:11

My DM has always been absolutely amazing and looked after DD 1 day a week + any emergencies since I went back to work when she was 9 months old. However no way would she have been having a 3 month old once a month and understandably so. I think most people don't like to look after very tiny babies, it's difficult and stressful! Also how old are your PILs? As my DM is only in her 50s. I know people who complain about in law's not doing childcare when those in laws are in their 70s which is a totally different ball game after all! I get tired looking after DD nevermind if I was in my 70s or something. I do think though that nobody should have kids expecting regular childcare from anyone else, it's your child and childcare is your responsibility. I never asked my DM to provide regular childcare, she offered, there is no way I would have asked her if she hadn't.

Original poster
clairejnelly · 10/04/2021 12:10

@louisejxxx

I find it a bit odd that you seem to only be asking them to look after the baby, not for you to all visit with the baby. If your parents come every week is there a reason you also need them to babysit once a month? Perhaps they’re reluctant because they haven’t spent much time with you AND the baby, and so don’t feel comfortable going it alone without you.
We don't ask them to be childcare we visit them weekly. We don't want childcare, just support as new parents with us all. Not just the baby.
OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 10/04/2021 12:06

His mum has been off work for 10 days and hasn't asked to see the baby or spend time, but we have nipped round to theirs.

Yes we visited twice in the time they were off

So you’re objecting to the fact that she was off for a week and didn’t ask to see the baby, yet they DID see the baby twice so wouldn’t need to ask?

Nats1984 · 10/04/2021 12:05

Neither of my parents have ever looked after my son and neither have his paternal grandparents. All live localish Due to second marriages you could say he has grandparents in total . 2 buy him gifts and see him a few times a year 3 have never met him. But we both come from very large families where kids just aren’t that special . It’s nice that no one bothers us or interferes . It’s common in many cultures for granny to move in and provide round the clock back up childcare. It’d be enough to put me off having children I think.

Original poster
clairejnelly · 10/04/2021 12:05

@Howshouldibehave

I'm not looking for childcare

Perhaps post in Relationships then, not Childcare Options.

Yes, you are allowed a support bubble and a childcare bubble but it sounds like your in laws don’t want to provide childcare, which is fine!

Why don’t you just focus on spending time with the in laws regularly (once a fortnight maybe?) now the weather is starting to improve and let them get to know the baby.

Yes we already spend time with them initiated by myself and my husband - who is also upset. Apologies for not posting in the correct place, I couldn't find a category for what I was looking for... I'm new to Mumsnet.
OP posts:
Original poster
clairejnelly · 10/04/2021 12:04

@ineedaholidaynow

You are not meant to mix childcare bubbles though are you. So if PIL have the nephew they can't have childcare bubble with OP
They are not in a childcare bubble with them. Let's not go off track anyways, that's a separate conversation.
OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 10/04/2021 12:04

I'm not looking for childcare

Perhaps post in Relationships then, not Childcare Options.

Yes, you are allowed a support bubble and a childcare bubble but it sounds like your in laws don’t want to provide childcare, which is fine!

Why don’t you just focus on spending time with the in laws regularly (once a fortnight maybe?) now the weather is starting to improve and let them get to know the baby.

Original poster
clairejnelly · 10/04/2021 12:01

@SavingsQuestions

Also in the days they were off you did go round to them to see them?!

I would just keep inviting them over/go to visit and meet up at the park etc in hood weather. Once a week would be a lot for most people.

Yes we visited twice in the time they were off.
OP posts:
Original poster
clairejnelly · 10/04/2021 12:00

@SavingsQuestions

But why look after him and look for childcare already at 3 months? Build the relationship first and spend time with them.

Once a month is tons!!!

I'm not looking for childcare, I'm looking for support as a mother with a newborn baby who has found the first three months very hard and have been extremely low.
OP posts:
Original poster
clairejnelly · 10/04/2021 11:59

@Howshouldibehave

but the fact that you’ve posted in Childcare Options indicates that you’re probably expecting it to be a regular thing, and I don’t think that’s very reasonable, sorry. They’ve raised their child(ren) - they’re under no obligation to help raise yours; it would be lovely if they wanted to, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to commit to regular childcare if it’s not something they genuinely want to do. Not everyone enjoys babies/toddlers/children, or loves them but in very small doses. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. Posting in ‘Childcare Options’ is telling. They sound like they don’t want to be a childcare option for you which is perfectly reasonable.

Who are you in a childcare bubble with? I’m presuming your parents, so you shouldn’t actually be seeing the others anyway.

You are allowed a support bubble and a childcare bubble. Once a month tons? Don't think so in my personal opinion.
OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 10/04/2021 11:38

You are not meant to mix childcare bubbles though are you. So if PIL have the nephew they can't have childcare bubble with OP

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