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Original poster

So the new ap arrived last night .....

114 replies

cloudberry · 07/11/2007 22:31

She missed the flight she was supposed to come on which would have arrived in the morning. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry! She speaks almost NO English! It's been rather tiring today. Armed with the smallest dictionary you have ever seen we have stumbled through the day. I have no idea if she understands anything. What on earth do you do when someone looks blankly at you when you ask 'Would you like ....?' or 'Do you want ....'? She has eaten 1 biscuit today unless she has a secret stash of food upstairs which she has wolfed down in 45 minutes this afternoon, the only time she has not been with me. She now tells me she is veggie when on her profile form the box was ticked next to 'No special dietary requirements ie vegetarian'!! I can't even tell her she will have to cook for herself as my dh likes to eat meat every night as she can't begin to understand. I have always cooked for our aps in the evening and don't mind doing it as one extra person makes no difference but I'm not going to produce 2 separate meals. However .... she has smiled all day, has smothered my 2 dcs in kisses all day. She has painted my dd's finger nails bright red and sprayed her in perfume, as well as bringing her a very sweet shirt and skirt as presents. My not quite 3 year old dd is in seventh heaven and has been mincing around all day. She has never looked so girly in her life! My dh has told the ap that make-up on the face is a no-no!! I shudder to think how the ap can top today in dd's eyes!

Since starting this, I have been talking to a friend of the ap's on MSN who has very good English and feel better that we have a translator! She told me that she felt bad that they had been misleading me about the ap's level of English as she (the friend) knew that the ap could speak NO ENglish at all. I need to have a little chat to the agency tomorrow. Despite all that, as long as she has a good attitude the language issue isn't a problem as it can only improve and she does seem very willing. She has been eager to help today and painted with the dcs this morning which I hate doing. I am glad that we've got another 4 months till no.3 arrives, things might look quite different if it was due next month!! She's quite differnent to the last wet ap. We've gone from anoraky geek to rather sophisticated warm Turkish girl. The other thing that makes me laugh is that all my worries about notes etc etc are completely irrelevant as she wouldn't be able to read them anyway so I'm going to having to show her exactly what I need help with instead of writing down her duties, and maybe that's not such a bad way to go. At least I'll know I've shown her myself how I like things done. So there you go for anyone who's interested(!) - End of part one of Cloudberry's new fascinating ap saga ....!!

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Issy · 15/11/2007 08:47

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Original poster
cloudberry · 15/11/2007 08:31

Laura don't worry. Despite what I've just said about truth in stereotyping, everyone is different. I have talked about our french ap on here last year and I'm not going to frighten you off just because ours didn't work out. In the same way I would be happy to have a Trukish girl again because I don't think what has just happened to us is necessarily true of every Turkish ap who comes to England. If you have had good communication with your girl and you have a good feeling about her, go for it. |The only way you are going to know is by having her in your house and seeing what happens. I will be thrilled for you if it is successful because it's such a pain when it goes wrong. As other people have said to me here at the end of the day it's down to luck. xx

OP posts:
laura032004 · 14/11/2007 23:46

What's wrong with the French [very worried emoticon!]

Original poster
cloudberry · 14/11/2007 22:34

I know it's stereotyping but there is some truth in it, and you lot collectively have immense experience!

OP posts:
GloriaInEleusis · 14/11/2007 22:27

Oh, you are going to be in trouble with the French.

I recommend Estonians, Canadian, and I've heard good things about Swedes. However, this is masive stereo typing.

Oh, and Americans are lovely.

Original poster
cloudberry · 14/11/2007 22:19

Ok the agency have sent me through 8 new girls' details. some are no good on immediate skimming. I know it's been done before on other threads but to save me time, anyone have any thoughts on which nationalities seem to do au pairing the best. I know about the Romanians and I wouldn't go near a French girl - fingers burnt there last year. There's an interesting sounding Czech girl, one from Estonia and one from Poland. Thanks Ingles, it helps to know that!! The ap wrote me a note this evening with the help of her friend.It seems that there are wires crossed. Her friend here in England wants her to go and join a family near her, but our ap really wants to go back home. She said that she doesn't feel mature enough to stay here but if she did decide to stay then she'd remain with us and then lots of nice things about us which is very sweet. She really seems like a genuinely nice girl and I do believe her. I've liked her as a person from the start, which has made this doubly upsetting in a way. Going back to the new candidates, clearly I need to talk to the agency and see if she has any views about any of them tomorrow.

OP posts:
ingles2 · 14/11/2007 21:12

Hi Cloud....Am soo disappointed for you, please take heart that it's not you, or your family and everyone I know has been moaning what a bad year it's been for AP's! Having a fair amount of experience what the agency is saying rings pretty true for me,..and the rural thing is a nightmare, (did I ever tell you about the romanian girl who complained to her agency she was forced to live in a wooden shack in the country!...erm that's called a 16c cottage!)...but girls do come along, just not quite so easily...stand your ground with the agency, and keep going until the offer someone who really is suitable!

Original poster
cloudberry · 14/11/2007 20:09

Laura I'm really glad she's made contact with you. I know our experiences have been a bit ridiculous and I will keep all fingers crossed for you that you have a happy time with her.

OP posts:
laura032004 · 14/11/2007 19:54

I rang her..... and got her mum.... who doesn't speak English!

So I rang her mobile and no answer.... panic stations!

But she's just rung to say her laptop doesn't work at her boyfriends, so she couldn't reply to my emails, but all is well, and she's still coming

And her mum sent me a lovely franglais email to say all is well.

Pheeew! I really need the help at the moment as we're sooooo busy, and I was dreading her not turning up.

laura032004 · 14/11/2007 18:04

Still no reply.

Might email her and ask her if she is still coming. Would rather know one way or the other.

SOS - I don't really know that she is lovely, but she is the best friend of my neighbours aupair, who is lovely. And her email reply was fab. When I asked a question about drugs, she said she'd rather die than touch drugs. A bit extreme, but I'm sure she was telling truth. She wants to live near her friend though.

SquiffyonSnowballs · 14/11/2007 15:45

uh oh... It does sound as if she might be thinking about another job if she is reading but not responding to emails... I have had that one too!!!

Oh it is a grim grim world.

If, by the way, Laura, you can't wait till January for your lovely alternative au-pair, do please point her in the direction of Cloudberry or me (v cheeky )!

laura032004 · 14/11/2007 14:44

You're not coming across as a whinger at all!

I'm getting a bit worried about my aupair now. Up until now she has always replied very promptly to emails. I emailed her on Friday (with some pictures attached) and haven't heard anything back since. I emailed her again this morning, to check the other email had got through OK, and although I've had a 'read receipt' she hasn't replied.

I really need an aupair to start on the 25th at the latest, preferably ASAP. I might be asking for suggestions of likely candidates soon myself!

Will be gutted if she's changed her mind (she said she'd booked her ferry ticket, but it was only £35, so not much if she's had a change of heart), because I've turned down a very very nice sounding girl who couldn't start until January.

Original poster
cloudberry · 14/11/2007 13:49

Thank you everyone. I think I must be coming across like a right whinger, I'm sorry about that. I'm cross but I'm moving on. It is all useful because I am in the process of realising I need to be an awful lot tougher and maybe more aloof with them until it's clear it'll work. Each one has taught me things and I can feel myself stiffening my backbone in true british style. And you're right blueshoes, they're looking out for themselves and I must stop being so nice until they've earned it!!!!

OP posts:
blueshoes · 14/11/2007 13:31

Cloudberry; "I don't understand why it all has to be so underhand."

I so agree with that statement. That sums up the whole aupair hiring business. My first non-show was just using me as a back up for her plans (whatever they were) and stung me along for 2 months.

I was advised by a veteran aupair hirer to email more than one girl (this is aupair world) at a time and hold simultaneous discussions as at any time in the process, you might fail to get a reply or find they have accepted another family or changed their mind. In fact, to continue doing so even after I have made an offer just-in-case. I could not do the last one - too cruel to the girls. But I have been hurt like you.

I think because in your case, the aupair was with you for a week, it stings all the more. It seems like a personal rejection after she had met your family. But ultimately they look after themselves and you should look after yourself. Hope the next one works out better.

blueshoes · 14/11/2007 13:23

Squiffy/Cloudberry, Mrs Recycle's list is pretty comprehensive. I have a few other questions to add, a few are based on my personal circumstances:

Why do you want to come to [where you live]?

Have you had sole charge of a baby/toddler?

Have you changed nappies before?

[List one example of your dcs' challenging behaviour, in my case my dd's refusal to get dressed for school], how would you encourage her to speed up?

Can you describe the types of activities you did with the children you looked after? Did you take them out alone?

What references you able to provide? Are they in English? Also, contact telephone numbers for these references. Do they speak English?

Are your parents happy with your decision to become an Au Pair?

What do you plan to do after you finished au-pairing?

Do you have a UK bank account?

Have you had any first aid training?

What food do you like?

What food do you not like?

What is your favourite meal?

Do you have any allergies or health concerns?

What is your current level of English - conversational and written? Can you, for example, chat on the phone, understand simple instructions?

Do you intend to take English language lessons when in UK?

Do you have a boyfriend?

laura032004 · 14/11/2007 13:12

Can't you set up a private group on facebook?

GloriaInEleusis · 14/11/2007 13:11

Sorry, but I think the agency is telling you porkies. Wasn't English speakin one of your requirements. They certainly failed to work that out. And who know what they told her? Probably told her you lived in downtown London.

I'd be onto the Agency demanding two SUITABLE candidates or my money back.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 14/11/2007 13:10

I used to be an au pair when I was 18. I went up to my room, looked out of the window, saw all the houses built around and started crying! I immediately started counting the days until I could go home for Christmas. I stayed a year, even though they asked mt to stay another year, and I am glad I did it but it is a big deal to go abroad when so young.

Are English girls allowed to be au apirs or do they want too much money?

MrsRecycle · 14/11/2007 13:00

OH NO cloudberry - somehow I just knew that would be the case. Stop trying to make excuses for her - she couldn't speak English (which was a key requirement) therefore her inability to socialise was not due to your location, it was due to her blatent lie(s). You live in a wonderful part of the country that some APs would would love. I think the problem with APs nowadays is that they see the role as a quick entry to the UK/London so that they can embark on a busy social life whilst having board and lodging. I kid you not - I see it all the time with applicants - as soon as they find out I'm in Zone 5 I don't here from them again.

Original poster
cloudberry · 14/11/2007 12:53

I have just talked to the agency and THEY have been told that she's going to work for another family!!! She has a friend who arrived in England at the same time as her last week who lives in a big town about an hour away from us. The agency is pissed off too as this other family is nothing to do with them so we have both lost out. I've got to the stage when I simply don't know who or what to believe anymore. I don't understand why it all has to be so underhand. The ap via her English-speaking friend could have told me this last night instead of something completely different. We are VERY rural, she speaks no English as I keep saying so it's hard for her here. She has the sole use of a car but without the language and without knowing anyone where is she going to go at the moment? I can absolutely understand that being much closer to a friend from home is hugely attractive but why not be honest?! Hey ho, all grist to the mill and I hope one of the replacements I've been told will be emailed through for me to look at will work out OK. God I started this thread referring to it as my saga and boy isn't it ever!!

OP posts:
MrsRecycle · 14/11/2007 12:53

Second Swedish APs - current one is (although lives in Denmark) - in fact she's going to a big Swedish AP meetup tonight at the Swedish Church in Great Portland Street.

Squiffy - great idea - we should set up a website with standard questions, forum to chat, links to potential APs etc - mind you isn't that what AP world is meant to do?? Or how about a yahoo group? I'll see if I come across such a "private" group that we could use (rather than a public one like facebook). If anyone has any ideas???

Oh, if anyone's interested, here are my current questions....

  1. What dates are you available from?
  1. How long are you planning to stay for?
  1. Why do you want to come to London?
  1. Do you have any friends/family in London/England?
  1. If so, where do they live?
  1. Why do you want to be an Au Pair?
  1. Describe your family life. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Are they older or younger than you?
  1. What previous experience have you had of looking after children? What ages were they?
  1. What was the BEST part of looking after them?

  1. What did you NOT like when looking after them?

  2. Are you able to cook?

  3. If so, what is your favourite meal that you could cook for us?

  4. Describe a typical ?balanced? meal that you could prepare for the girls?

  5. What morals (good behaviour) did your parents raise you with?

  6. You will have plenty of spare time, what do you plan to do with this?

  7. If we go on holiday, would you be prepared to join us?

  8. Describe your health in the past year.

  9. What activities have you done in the last month (eg studying, clubbing)?

  10. What pocket money are you expecting for 25 hours a week and, up to, 2 evenings a week babysitting?

  11. Do you have funds for your flight to the UK?

  12. Do you have any phobias/allergies (eg spiders/travel sickness)?

  13. What interested you in our Family?

  14. Is there any element of the role you need further explanation (most of it is detailed in our profile)?

  15. Do you have any questions?

GloriaInEleusis · 14/11/2007 12:34

Oh no. This stinks. Maybe you should talk to the next one before she shows up and ask her all the things the agency has led you to believe.

SquiffyonSnowballs · 14/11/2007 12:03

Oh, CB, what a shame. But look on the bright side - you could have had endless problems with her lack of english and so on.

If it is any way a consolation, my very first au-pair ever was Turkish and she did exactly the same - after I forked out loads for BSM driving lessons (she said she could drive but turned out to be hopeless). She just got herself a job closer to friends in London, and upped and left (after admitting that she only took our job to get into the country as she always intended to work in London). she told us she had a new job at 4pm and agreed to stay until the following weekend.... at 9pm the same day we caught her sneaking out the back door with her suitcase!

We have had fab experiences with our Swedish & French au-pairs, and my friends swear by South American ones (so long as they have visas).

I so know how disheartening this is - I am currently looking for an AP myself to help support our nanny, and it is soul-destroying.

We really should all get together and set up some kind of Mumsnet 'word of mouth' nanny/ap matching service so we can avoid the hell that is aupairworld and so on..

where do you live? I can maybe pass on some of the names we are looking at (we have to reject all the ones who don't drive and aren't 'rural-orientated')?

Oh and blueshoes - would love to see a copy of your questionnaire - any chance you could cat me?

laura032004 · 14/11/2007 09:25

Happy birthday cb!

Sorry to hear this ap hasn't worked out. Hope the agency come up with the goods for you!

blueshoes · 14/11/2007 09:24

cloudberry, so sorry to hear your ap has up and left. I am a near ap virgin as well.

I had a non-starter - told me 1 week before she was due to get on the plane she could not come. Actually, she did not tell me, she said she was busy and when I finally chased for her flight details, dropped the bombshell.

2 months later, I now have a really lovely lady living with us from aupair-world.

I know you have the agency to fall back on. But tbh, I would not trust them to do a thorough job. For your next 2 candidates, call them on the phone, that way you can judge their conversational English. Or at least email them.

For aupair-world, I have a long email questionnaire - which does 2 things: weeds out time-wasters because they cannot be bothered to answer and also gives me an inkling of how good their written English is (of course, they might get a friend to answer for them but hey, we don't have a lot to go on). Even if their conversational English is not up-to-scratch, you can at least write them written instructions. If they have studied English at some level, it usually tends to be that their written will be better than their conversational.

I assume that agencies tend to bring girls that are "fresh off the boat", so to speak. Can you request for one that has past aupair experience or has at least lived outside her parents' home before. That would minimise homesickness? I also ask if they have a boyfriend in their hometown (not great for the homesickness front).

Ultimately, it is luck as well. I wish you all the best for your next one.