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Original poster

Au Pair Issues - Asked Her To Leave

134 replies

TheRoadToOmaha · 08/03/2021 23:15

First time I've posted here. We hired our first au pair just after Xmas last year to look after our 4yr old son and 3yr old daughter while I work from home. In the time she's been here my son's behaviour has deteriorated which we initially put down to being in lockdown and him feeling unsettled having someone new living with us but he hadn't been himself for a while. We've noticed she favours our daughter and gives her much more attention. She is very impatient with our son and treats them both like an inconvenience. Our son has become withdrawn with everyone to the point that family and our childminder have noticed.

I heard her telling him off recently in French (her native tongue) and frustrated and crying ge asked why to which responded because I don't want to swear at you in English. Also, this morning he had marks on his arm after she got him dressed. He said it was sore but didn't want to tell us what happened. When I got him ready for bed it had turned into bruises that look like fingerprints. He didn't want to tell me what had happened but eventually admitted it was the au pair. I think he was scared to tell me.
We sat down and asked her about it, she said it was an accident and that her ring left the marks and that she didn't grab him. I pointed out that even if that were the case she must have been really rough with him to leave bruises like that. She basically just agreed with everything I said with no explanation or apology. Just feel awful to have experienced this and never imagined this would happen. No flights back to France and I don't think I can really recommend her to another family. I really don't feel comfortable with her being around the kids so really hoping the agency have a solution. :( Sorry mainly just needed to vent and wondered if anyone else had had a bad experience.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
pollylocketpickedapocket · 09/03/2021 14:38

@TheRoadToOmaha

Thanks everyone. Weve explained that she won't be dealing with the children anymore until we can find out a way for her to get home. They are going to be out of the house all day until she's gone. Grandparents have also offered to have the kids stay with them until she's gone. Our childminder and nursery are also aware.

I'm really hoping the agency (who have been great) will agree to take her until she can get home. I can't sleep worrying about what to do. My 3yr old daughter told me later tonight that she's done the same thing to her with grabbing her arm :(

I want her out the house but with covid etc I don't see how I can literally kick her out - there's literally nowhere for her to go.

I wouldn’t give a shit, she’d be out. She could walk back to France.
footballfan1963 · 09/03/2021 14:38

@TheRoadToOmaha

With covid she would literally have nowhere else to go. No hotels etc open.
That’s her tough luck. She needs to move out today. I’d report to police too.
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 09/03/2021 14:35

@FluffyHippo seriously, you're embarrassing yourself. Stop making this all about you. Several of your posts have been deleted - it should be clear from that that you're just being needlessly unpleasant.

idontlikealdi · 09/03/2021 14:32

An au pair is for additional childcare not full time childcare while you hold down a job.

Not condoning her at all, I'd haver on the first plane out but you are in a remote location in a lockdown and want a teenager to parent your child?

Hoppinggreen · 09/03/2021 14:32

Bloody Hell, this thread has attracted a very strange response
I don’t have paid childcare or help of any kind, or even family help but I don’t judge those who do.
I hope this person is out of your house ASAP OP and that your children are ok

giletrouge · 09/03/2021 14:20

I honestly think the agency should step in in loco parentis and take her completely off your hands. You shouldn't be under any obligations to her; your obligations are all to your children and that's enough in this situation for anyone. Do you have a contract from the agency as to your relationship with them? Have you actually spoken to someone senior at the agency? They need to deal with her, they really do.

Veterinari · 09/03/2021 14:15

Ah, of course - now I'm not 'decent' because I dare to question my betters. Perfect! Taking refuge in what George Bernard Shaw called - critically - 'middle-class morality'.

Yeah that's almost exactly what I said Confused

SussexCharm2000 · 09/03/2021 14:14

The Eurostar is Running and the Premier Inn next door at Kings Cross is open (son used both a few days ago). She will though need a pcr test dated less than 72 hours prior to the Train.

I would be tempted to ask the agency to helps pay for a couple of nights st the premier inn and a train ticket to London and a Eurostar ticket and let her sort out the pcr test herself (will cost around GBP 150).

doubleleopardy · 09/03/2021 14:10

@TheRoadToOmaha

Right now my concern is my children. If I report it to the police, which trust me I would love to, it will cause a very drawn out stressful, frightening process for my children that will most likely cause more longlasting damage than what has happened. My kids will also have this recorded against their names all through school etc and potentially have to deal with the repercussions for years.

Au pair has made no apology, denies she has grabbed my kids even after being shown the photos. I suspect she just can't handle looking after children as opposed to anything more sinister. I absolutely agree she should never be with a other family and have made this clear to the agent who has notified the French agent that she must be placed with another family due to child protection issues.

The stuff about this affecting your children in years to come just isn't true. They're the victims here. It needs to be reported and recorded.
FluffyHippo · 09/03/2021 14:10

@Veterinari

Again, just putting us ordinary people down by labelling us. Thanks.

And you're just making my point for me.
Why is it you assume I'm not 'ordinary'? What do you even mean by that? Confused

If you want to make a valid point why not answer some of my questions and have a reasonable discussion?

All you're doing is being horrible to an OP who is already struggling and trying to derail her thread. Why are you doing that?

I wouldn't label that as 'ordinary'. If you're trying to use a working class background as an excuse for being judgemental, selfish and unpleasant then please don't. That's your choice. Plenty of the rest of us have chosen to be decent.

Ah, of course - now I'm not 'decent' because I dare to question my betters. Perfect! Taking refuge in what George Bernard Shaw called - critically - 'middle-class morality'.
Veterinari · 09/03/2021 14:05

Again, just putting us ordinary people down by labelling us. Thanks.

And you're just making my point for me.
Why is it you assume I'm not 'ordinary'? What do you even mean by that? Confused

If you want to make a valid point why not answer some of my questions and have a reasonable discussion?

All you're doing is being horrible to an OP who is already struggling and trying to derail her thread. Why are you doing that?

I wouldn't label that as 'ordinary'. If you're trying to use a working class background as an excuse for being judgemental, selfish and unpleasant then please don't. That's your choice. Plenty of the rest of us have chosen to be decent.

GeoffreyGeoffreys · 09/03/2021 14:05

I wouldn't let her stay on your house OP, her just being there will make your DC uncomfortable in their own home.

teaorwine · 09/03/2021 14:03

Op you're taking the right actions in protecting your children. It is a safeguarding issue, check with the agent will they report it to Social Services and if not please consider doing this. It wont impact on your children but will result in an investigation of the au pair. She isn't suited to caring for children. Ignore the posters commenting on your childcare arrangements...unless you've privately messaged them, they have no insight into your life or circumstances.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 09/03/2021 13:59

@FluffyHippo I'm not sure that the majority of people in the UK can afford servants, whatever you call them or pay them. You're pretty out of touch with the realities of most people's lives.

An au pair is cheaper than a Childminder's weekly fees Confused I think you're out of touch with childcare costs. And have a hefty chip on the shoulder to go along with it.

As to whether or not they're servants well, as a nanny myself, I don't quite disagree with you there. I think they're taken advantage of, they do the same hours as many nannies with many of the same responsibilities, for a fraction of the cost.

You get what you pay for

FluffyHippo · 09/03/2021 13:58

@Veterinari

Of course you do. That's because you can't see past your own bigotry
Again, just putting us ordinary people down by labelling us. Thanks.
roses2 · 09/03/2021 13:55

Hi OP, I've got an au pair and I really feel for you. You're between a rock and a hard place with not wanting to boot her out on the street vs letting her stay when she, possibly unintentionally but due to lack of experience, hurt your child.

You did the right thing taking her to the agent.

Good luck and don't let it stop you from getting an au pair in future (although thanks to Brexit this might not be possible)!

Veterinari · 09/03/2021 13:55

@TheRoadToOmaha please consider a police report.

There's nothing stopping this woman signing up with another agency and doing the same again and she seems remorseless.

I'm sure the police would deal with this sensitively and there's no reason why it should 'follow' your children around

grandpacificpineapole · 09/03/2021 13:55

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

I think you do need to report this to the police you know. It's not about your kids, it's about other people's kids.

I get you're stressed but it won't 'follow' your DCs around, that's just silly. They won't even take a statement from a 3 and 4 yo. You don't need to tell anyone about it. It's highly unlikely to go to court. But it needs to be reported so she knows she won't get away with doing this again.

Sensible advice but I suspect the OP has no intention of doing this. Her perception about what would happen is seriously misguided and despite being advised otherwise by sensible and well informed posters will continue with her perplexing approach
JSL52 · 09/03/2021 13:49

@TheRoadToOmaha

Right now my concern is my children. If I report it to the police, which trust me I would love to, it will cause a very drawn out stressful, frightening process for my children that will most likely cause more longlasting damage than what has happened. My kids will also have this recorded against their names all through school etc and potentially have to deal with the repercussions for years.

Au pair has made no apology, denies she has grabbed my kids even after being shown the photos. I suspect she just can't handle looking after children as opposed to anything more sinister. I absolutely agree she should never be with a other family and have made this clear to the agent who has notified the French agent that she must be placed with another family due to child protection issues.

None of that would happen. It would be a specially trained officer. No records at school. It's a bad thing that's happened agreed , but look into it further.
airsealengineer · 09/03/2021 13:48

This is why I would never have an au pair. The young women I knew who became au pairs had absolutely no interest in children or experience of them but just wanted to have the excitement of living in another country. I just don't think that is a good match to young children who can be, lets face it, be extremely annoying and draining.

noloh1 · 09/03/2021 13:45

It’s difficult to work full time without any child care help at all. Not everyone has family support.

Veterinari · 09/03/2021 13:41

Of course you do.
That's because you can't see past your own bigotry

FluffyHippo · 09/03/2021 13:40

[quote Veterinari]@FluffyHippo

What are you trying to contribute?
All I see is spite, judgement and resentment because some else has the opportunity to pay for support with childcare whereas you have to manage without.

I assume you also judge parents who choose to use nurseries, childminders and schools?

And choose to berate all parents of abused children online?
How deeply unpleasant of you.

[/quote]
I hear the sound of the middle classes ensuring that us proles stay in our place...

Veterinari · 09/03/2021 13:36

@FluffyHippo

What are you trying to contribute?
All I see is spite, judgement and resentment because some else has the opportunity to pay for support with childcare whereas you have to manage without.

I assume you also judge parents who choose to use nurseries, childminders and schools?

And choose to berate all parents of abused children online?
How deeply unpleasant of you.

Easterbunnygettingready · 09/03/2021 13:35

Police. Your dc need to see they have been believed and action taken.