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Original poster

AU Pair, coming home drunk 10 am, and late night etiquette

37 replies

ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 19:33

What is your experience opinion about the above?

I know she is a grown up at 20, but she also lives within another family unit (through choice).

I dont find it acceptable to come in drunk after partying at 10 am, leave the key in the outside of the door, and stagger to bed while my kids are watching and querying what is happening.

I dont find it acceptable to just leave the house at half past midnight, just saying, I need some air, and not be back until 4 am, as she is going to a club suddenly.

I think it decent to say "I am going out to meet a friend, I will be late". Or send a text if not coming home at all.

We live in London. The area is not so safe at night. One woman was robbed at gunpoint half a kilometer away, another was killed infront of her toddler a few years ago. Ok, it is rare, but it happens, and she is walking drunk out till early hours.

It is actually adding to my worries, as I dont want to be concerned with her on top of everything, she is here as a "stressbusting measure", not to add to it. Am I irresonable?

Opinions?

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NurseyClaire · 09/11/2007 19:55

I was 20 when I went to live in a foreign country, but I had a 2 bed flat of my own and a paycheque to match! So I know it's completely possible to look after yourself at that age while still having fun.

I do think though, that it's only fair that no one should get any nasty surprises when you're sharing a house. As it's a family home then surely she has to see that it's not on, just out of politeness. Your kids were a bit shocked by this by the sound of it, and you're nice enough to be concerned about her as well as the effect her behaviour has on your household!

I'd just ask her to communicate with you more, you say you don't want to try and control her as you appreciate she's 20 and in an exciting new city. But she's also under your roof. If you really can tolerate her going clubbing at all hours then the least she can do is be honest and say, "I'm off out, I might be late OR I might stay at a friend's house. I'll send you a text and let you know."

It'd put everyone's mind at ease, and communication like this is the sort of thing you need to learn when you live with people, be it a family, flatmates or whoever ;)

You sound like a brilliant host but I can see where you're coming from with your concerns.

mishmash · 06/11/2007 13:25

Our ap took to staying out all night and I worried about her the first couple of times and disapproved when the kids asked her where she was and she said she was with her boyfriend - not that I disapproved of what she had done more that I thought my kids were a bit too young for the explanation.

Now if she doesn't come home I don't worry so much and she will normally tell me not to expect her. Like you Scary it was more the worry that something happened to her.

I know I was much younger when I lived away from home for summers and the freedom was fantastic - when I think of some of the things we got up to. Mind you I wasn't an aupair. So I am glad my girl is enjoying her new found freedom but it is nice to know where is likely to be.

chel86 · 06/11/2007 10:44

There are a few contradictions on here. If an AP is to be treated as part of the family , then how would your treat your own 20 yr old daughter? Scary is concerned for AP safety and worried about the kids opinions of the AP stumbling in drunk and the leaving the keys in the front door. The AP is supposed to be treated as part of the family - would you turn a blind eye and say nothing to your 20 yr old daughter behaving like this?? I think not!!

Scary isn't planning on sacking AP for this behaviour, but wants to know how to approach the subject. I agree, leaving the keys in the front door is definitely not on as this affects the safety of your whole family. So this needs to be clear. And it's not unreasonable to express your concern for her safety when she goes out and ask for a quick text from her to let you know if she's going to be out late or all night. Just to put your mind at rest.

Shoelacetripper · 30/10/2007 22:51

Sack her. Completely out of order and she needs to learn quickly.

feelingfedup · 30/10/2007 22:48

Nope - that would be a sackable IMO, but it's your house/kids/safety.......................

eleusis · 30/10/2007 08:06

I think you need a set of house rules. One of mine is:

"If you are staying out overnight please let us know before hand. This is so we do not worry about you."

I do think a 20 year old has a right to go out and party if she wants to. However, stumbling drunk through my kitchen at 10:00 am is probably not going to score any brownie points with me. I wouldn't invoke disciplinary action, but I might tell her I wasn't impressed.

The key in the door is certainly out of order -- however I personally wouldn't have any room to talk on that score. Not because I'm drunk, but I have been known to leave my keys in the front door.

Squiffy · 29/10/2007 14:27

I second every single thing hatwoman says.

Good luck with your chat.

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 23:08

Thanks all of you. I will have a brief chat about safety, tell her to send me a text if she is planning to stay out all night, and make sure to double check the whereabouts of her key.

She came home 10 pm, starving and sober, after evening service at the church and has now gone to bed.

We had supper together. All will be well.

OP posts:
ingles2 · 28/10/2007 22:16

But point is MF that SSN is not trying patronise,..just keep everyone safe and that , I personally think is part of the deal of having an AP!....They're meant to be part of the family so you do worry!

MrsWeasley · 28/10/2007 22:13

For her and your own safety I think you need to have a "chat" with her. Is this the first time she has lived away from her home? Have the city lights and the freedom gone to her head?

I fully understand what people are saying about her being 20 and an adult but if something did happen to her and your had to speak to her parents the first question they would say is "Why didnt you stop her?"
Leaving the key in the door is just so wrong, apart from the obvious of people coming into your house equally someone could grab it make a copy (it doesnt take long to do this)and replace them (if she found them on the doorstep she would assume she dropped them!) esp if she is being followed around my weirdos!

hatwoman · 28/10/2007 22:11

key - unreasonable - have a word

going out/coming back at strange hours - normal for her age

not letting you know she is ok - unreasonable - explain and ask her for texts if she's going to be out all night/changing her plans

drunk - depends - occassional giggling and stumbling up the stairs - even a one-off 10 am incident - I think if you're going to share a house with a 20 year old then you have to accept a bit of this, but I think it would be reasonable of you to cast a disapproving look her way

  • but if we're talking throwing up, aggression and more than say once a week then unreasonable and it would be reasonable of you to have a word
MotherFunk · 28/10/2007 22:10

Message withdrawn

ingles2 · 28/10/2007 22:08

I think it's a change in culture and being on her own then scary,...lots of teens go a bit crazy for a while when they 1st get some freedom and money. I think you should sit her down and tell her all your concerns about her safety, explain that you are telling her for own good and not to limit her freedom and then explain she must respect your basic rules about coming in drunk and secuity.My AP disappeared for a weekend recently and was really shocked when I had a go at her and told her I'd worried all weekend. She knows now she has to send a quick text.

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 22:06

MotherFunk, I am not going to impose boundaries on her. This is not about stopping her from going out and drinking. It is her life her choice. But I dont want to be the one to identify her at the morgue or inform her parents she is injured or worse, I care because that is the kind of person I am, and because she is overall a nice and responsible girl where the kids are concerned. I am not considerin getting rid. Not even for leaving the key in, heck, even I have done that once. I want to find a workable solution as to how to approach her about it, not because clubbing and drinking is not acceptable but staying safe is a must.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 28/10/2007 22:04

i was, too, a drunk.

leaving hte key in the door and letting weirdy men 'walk you home'?

more than once?

nah, not on.

MotherFunk · 28/10/2007 22:02

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 22:02

I was the same her age, so I understand where she is coming from. Only, I was 21 when I moved to London and changed my drinking patters pretty quick as I did not feel as safe staggering home alone in the middle of the night.... Coming here actually sobered me up! She is from a pretty small town in the south of Norway.

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 28/10/2007 22:02

Message withdrawn

ingles2 · 28/10/2007 22:01

Where is she from Scary?

ingles2 · 28/10/2007 22:00

No she doesn't ...she sounds 20!!

expatinscotland · 28/10/2007 21:59

she sounds like a drunk.

i'd get rid.

colditz · 28/10/2007 21:56

Eeek @weirdy men.

Can you tell her this, just tell her that the area is not safe and that it is very dangerous for her to walk home?

is she a country girl?

ingles2 · 28/10/2007 21:56

Hi...My Dh and I were just talking about this...I say no way,..he's says we did this at 20!
It's a difficult one, MF is right to an extent,..but then so are you. I think the sackable offence here is actually the key in the door.
So I would probably
Ask her to inform us whenever she intends to stay out all night.
Not come home at 10 drunk, either make sure she is in before kids get up or come home later when she is sober
Tell her again about the key, and say any breach of security is gross misconduct and sackable without warning.
Hope this helps

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 21:53

MotherFunk and Colditz, do I say I dont approve? My issue is that I would like to know if she is planning to stay out all night, or if she is going to be late for her safety. Should I be worried if I wake up and the morning and she is not there, or just assume she has gone home with somebody (considering she has only two friendsboth of whom live even further from Central London than we do)?

And I want to bring it up in such a way that I dont intrude on her.

But it does worry me, because now when she goes out I dont know when she will be back, if she is able to stay safe, as she has gigglingly told me about men chatting to her on buses, and "walking her home" to ensure she gets home ok. I am concerned for her lack of judgement. She is very pretty, and have had men follow her around museums and tried to kiss her.....

OP posts:
colditz · 28/10/2007 21:52

sKerrymum, Au Pairs are a grey area - they are supposed to be treated as a family member, they get pocket money, not wages, and it the time of her 'transgression, she wasn't even on duty.

You cannot ask for mature, responsible, thoughtful, humble, can work on own initiative, can take direction, hard working, low paid, youthful and that they live in your house without changing it in any way. It's not realistic.

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