New aupair is suffocating me, help!!!!

start holding hands and gte all mushy with each other,that will soon have the desired effect!if that doesn't work continue being mushy with each snog all the time! that should work!! good luck

I did this last night, told her I was planning a nice meal for DH and she could have hers in the 2 hrs+ we were gone for Brownies and picking DH up from the station.

Worked a treat thank you!

And I found it useful to say something like "I'm planning a really romantic/ quiet / whatever night with Dh tonight as we haven't had a chance to be together much recently so I'm just cooking us this lovely whatever, so just help yourself to whatever you want for your tea"

It's pretty hard for somebody to not get that hint and make themselves scarce!

Other than that, when the kids are around, just say that you have SUCH a headache and you're DESPERATE for some time when you don't have to talk to anyone.

Good luck!

If anyone's still interested in this, I had the same problem with my current aupair

I'm sure my new AP is stalking me!!! Luckily we have creaky floorboards. Is really getting on my nerves, as keep bumping into her.

Having a lot of similar prblems, she wants to eat with DH and I every night - def not good - as she says kids eat too early.

She seems very needy and selfish (made me late for school run as wanted to discuss for 4th time when her parcel from parents would be here, how the feck should I know I don't run the postal union?), has lived away from home for 3 yrs whilst at uni so thought she would be more independent.

I'm starting to think I have made a mega mistake, have been spoiled in the past with fab ones mostly.

She seems really dour, all my pals say 'what do you expect, she's French' even DD not sure as 'She's not very smiley Mummy'.

Can I cope without?

Beach,...just make it very clear to her that the money is for treats and not to supplement her pocket money (and still take your things!)! I've never had a problem with this system before,..my ap's in the granny flat so I give them £20 a week to cover breakfast, food for the weekend and a few treats, but I've noticed she's not going to the super market to buy any food. and taking lots from the house!

ingles - that's a good idea I will put it to Au pair. We already buy her specific's from the weekly shop but this might help solve the cosmetics and choc and wine problem. I don't mind buying her these sort of treats as long ours are still there when we want them.

you're right beachfeet, it is common.. especially in Eastern European AP's IMO. My friend who's a food stylist, so loads of food in the house, once went into her ap's room and opened her cupboard to find a huge stockpile of tins! She had 10 tins of tuna taken from the kitchen. It's understandable really, I've had girls who can't believe the amount of food and waste (when I'm throwing away a tablespoon of leftover cooked rice!) But still cosmectics are different aren't they? You could offer her £5 a week for treats (mags, chocolate, biscuits)then at least you know yours are still there when you want them, after all there is nothing worse than a long hard day at work to find you can't have a piece of chocolate

Kittywitts ? can?t really recommend anything else to do ? but if it?s still early days she may still be settling in. I got into the habit of disappearing at 8.30 every evening with the newspaper in the lounge ( no T.V ) and eventually Au pair would go off and do her own thing then I would switch on the T.V and close the door and relax?.we generally get some privacy in the evenings.
I know you agree that it?s not acceptable for Au pair to help herself to everything, but I can honestly say the last two of our Au pairs have all done this. It?s is usually when they have been here for a few months and settled in. What really annoys me is that Au Pair obviously knows that she shouldn?t be doing this it?s done in a sneaky way. I have found empty wine bottles appear in the recycling on collection day, not consumed by us but belong to us. When I asked where the kid?s treats have gone and she always blames the kids for helping themselves even though there out of reach and not possible but then I feel I?m being petty. I just assumed this was a common trait of Au Pairs.

kittywits - tv, dvd player in her room, computer with internet if possible, and evening classes...thats all I can think of.
Or talk a lot to her about your children, the poor girl will be avoiding you soon.
I am a lonely single mother, and I sometimes suspect our AP goes out in the evening or retires to her room to avoid me (in the nicest possible way) lol

beechfeet, that is def NOT normal!
Our current AP makes herself at home in the house -that is to say, she will open a bottle of wine. We once had an AP who put up pictures of her parents in the kitchen on her first day (we had little furniture at the time!), and I liked that, as it showed that she felt at home.

However, neither of them would have dreamt of nicking cosmetics. Your house is not a student flat!
Dont let her meet your next AP, and establish new ground rules, if you cant face having it out with her.

Oh Beachfeet...no.no.no....You can't put up with your AP taking your cosmetics and stuff! Honestly some of them have no understanding that this is just not on. I never go into my AP's flat but I bet she'd be horrified if I did and take her things!

I think I would just say that I am a person who likes peace and quiet, and in the evening I like time to myself, and expect her to occupy herself quietly somehow if she is staying in. Either reading, or watching TV, or any other hobby she might have, but that you are tired after the day and you need your chill out time.
What would you normally be doing? I would sit and read a book, and say "mmm I just want to read this for an hour or so" if she keeps talking.

Oh I really know what you are going through. We have too many kids and no other option but to have an au pair and cant afford live out help. I try to stay focused on the positive side and when we get desperate for some privacy I ask our Au pair to babysit and clear off out with Dh to chill out and talk . Our AP is always around and a bit of a loner and I understand that she must get lonely. We have made her room as comfortable as poss with T.V, laptop, DVD and unlimited movie rentals membership and own sitting room?this has helped to some extent. BUT I find nothing is my own ?as soon as a newspaper hits the door mat it?s gone! Same with magazines I never get to read.. cosmetics from my bathroom disappear, hair straightners ..new CD?s and I pod find their way to AP?s room, treats from the fridge are already opened by the time I get to them, including the odd bottle of wine. I know it may seems petty but it?s driving me mad. I would never dream of going in her room our helping myself to her things but I think It?s the downside to having someone live in.

Mealtimes with our AP work really well. From the start I tell her every day what I'm cooking for DH and I and at roughly what time I will be serving. As DH doesn't get home til 7pm earliest it's normally too late for her. I always give her the option of joining us or eating earlier with the kids. (sometimes we eat the same meal, sometimes not). 9 times out of 10 chooses she to eat with the kids. If she doesn't like what I'm cooking she looks after herself. Makes salad, a sandwich, pasta etc.

I suppose some AP have more sense of whats going on around them and not wanting to create more work for us. Others don't see it and I suppose may expect their dinner cooked for them every night.

Hope things improve for you.

Oh God...I know how you feel on this one. These days I just make it very clear from day 1 that during the week they eat with the kids! If AP says it's too early or she's not hungry I put it on a plate and leave it for her in the fridge. I only ask her to eat with us on Sunday nights when we have a big family dinner together.

Prawns, our most recent aupair was like that (she has just left a few minutes ago /relief).

Personally, I think it is reasonable to eat with the aupair a couple of times a week, but every night it is not good. There are private conversations you have to have with DH, and you can't have an aupair listening in all the time.

The really hard thing for me about having an aupair eat with you every night is that you are under a certain amount of pressure to provide that meal. If you are going out, or can't be bothered to cook, the aupair still has that expectation - this is when your space really starts to feel invaded.

The advantage of having her eat with the kids is that there is a better chance that the kids will get decent food. With this last aupair, it seemed that my kids ate tinned soup, while I had to throw away out-of-date chicken from the fridge that she couldn't be bothered to cook for them.

I also have an au pair who has just started - first time for both of us. What I am finding difficult is the dinner thing. To make her feel welcome, for the first few nights we cooked for her and we all ate dinner together....now my husband is getting fed up with this and when I was out last night he ignored her and went to eat his dinner in front of the TV. (he is a bit of a slug!) I think she is now upset and was envisaging a year of us having dinner together every night. What do I do? I have asked her would she like to eat with the kids before I get back from work, but she says it's too early for her...I have given her the run of the house and said she is welcome to cook and eat whenever she likes but somehow it does feel antisocial. What does everyone else do??

Or could you just go off and have a bath or something? Actually I don't know why I'm bothering to give advice - I've had lodgers twice and ended up having to ask them to leave because they drive me potty in the evenings

a couple of suggestions kitty, because this is a problem with au pairs...they become like an extra child and need entertaining until they get more of a social life...
Of course she doesn't need english lessons. but how about the gym, swimming, WI even...well you never know
Also I've encouraged my ap"s to do babysitting for friends...gets them out of the house and earning a bit more money..my last girl worked in the local pub at weekends too....

Say that you'd rather she spent her time in the day with DCs and get her to spend the evenings doing housework!

Sorry...not that helpful. I like the idea of classes as a "treat" from you to get her out the house and meeting friends. Does she have stuff to do in her room? The worst thing when living in is you have all this space and nothing to do in it. That's when I took up knitting and cross-stitching - at lest I was doing something while watching TV in the evening!

I see why you need her there, and some quiet time too, so I hope it works out for you.

see the need for an au pair AND the need for some quiet time!

If she's bubbly chatty and so on, that's nice for the dc. But you say she is doing less with the dc than you'd like and more housework.

Maybe it is chat time, unfortunately. Perhaps there a couple ofthings that need spelling out: what specific things you would like her to be concentrating on with the dc; that you need quiet time in the evenings on your own so that will mean she will be alone a lot and that could get lonely for her will she be ok with that?; you want to make it clear that she is welcome to have a friend over now and again or visit people; if she'd like to do a course because she gets bored at night alone, you'd be happy to help organise that.

That should make it pretty clear. She may feel she HAS to be sociable and come down and mingle. Best to make it clear before you go mad with it all I think.

How old are the dc?

A chat is a good idea, perhaps you could turn it on it's head and suggest that you are concerned that she may feel that she has to spend her free time with you. That you realise that she's younger and will want to do different things and of course so do you, so you really don't mind if she wants to spend her evenings in her room having a bit of space - afterall we all need time alone.