Why is it so difficult...?

happy daddy - as has already been said these are very inconvienient(sp)hours for a childminder - i bet if you altered nursery hours slightly you'd be able to find a willing childminder - i know that theres just NO WAY i'd be able to do hours like that as there is the school runs and tea/pick ups to sort out.

i think it's pretty off to attack peoples choices for work and childcare - if people didn't want to work i'd have no job

Oh HD, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that at least you feel physically better soon.

Some rather aggressive and unrealistic replies to HD I feel... particularly from one aptly named poster.

House prices are now approaching 11x the average wage, and any couple living in the South East are likely to struggle unless they bought many, many years ago. Providing a home is part of parenting and morgages/rent need to be paid.

Yes, compromises have to be made (HD giving up work to look after his child in the past is a big one, and I bet it's set his career back considerably) but some careers are only realistically possible in the London area.

HD, my only sugestion would be that maybe since your DW is not looking to progress her career in the long term, she could risk rocking the boat and apply for flexible working hours. That way she could tread water in her job until you're in a position to match her earning power. 'Take one for the team' as it were.

Other than that a full time CM or a Nanny share seem like your only options.

HappyDaddy - I've just read through this whole thread and tbh, don't know where all the attacks and judgement came from . Anyway, sorry about your friend, sounds like you've had a bit of a stressful week

I'm a childminder and although my core hours are 8-6, I'm flexible and have worked from 6.45am-7pm even though it wasn't listed as my hours. Having said that, if someone rang asking for what you need, I just couldn't do it, reason being the 5.30pm nursery pickup. This is when a lot of childminders are feeding the children and/or having children collected.

One of my mindees (who's 3) goes to pre-school all day (8.45-2.45) and I pick her up after and have til 6pm. The only reason I took this job on is because I applied to Ofsted for a variation (i.e. to let me have 4 children under the age of 5 instead of just the 3 that we're normally allowed). The reason I wouldn't have taken it on otherwise is because it would have been hard to get a child to fill the day bit as it's just not the hours people want near me.

I agree with those who've said it would be a lot easier if you got a childminder for the day and sent your little one to the free nursery sessions and then you get the best of both worlds and are more likely to find someone who'll do those hours.

Or.....have you spoken direct to CIS and explained your needs and asked for help? In my area we occasionally get emails from CIS/FIS asking who can help with unusual situations, you never know.

Best of luck, hope you manage to sort something out that the whole family is happy with.

HappyDaddy - much sympathy to you. And I don't think you should have to give up your hard earned house! But - because you have chosen to live so far out of London, but work in London, you have sort of created your own problem.

What you're experiencing - and why you're getting some twitchy answers here - is what most women have had to deal with for years. You are (as I'm sure you know!) relatively unusual in being a SAHD. The majority of women do have to make compromises when it comes to looking after their children, and many do so in terms of their job/career and/or their homes.

For you, the best solution IMHO would seem to be staggering your work hours slightly so that one of you can do the morning and one of you can do the evening - is there no way that this can be achieved? Have you talked to your employers about this? You would still be doing the same hours, just in different parts of the day - i.e. 10-6/8-4 rather than 9-5.

HD, I've come back to this thread mainly to sympathise. And to say that please don't despair; many of us do manage to combine interesting, fulfilling (and decently paid) jobs with children (although that is, of course, with a lot of provisos - most importantly that special needs skew that immediately). We don't Have It All, but we have a deal that, most of the time, works.

Have to take Inferiorettes to doctor's (this is my day off, having shunted DD1's poorliness onto today, ahem ) but will be back later.

When i was at uni as a student our lecture hours were 9am - 5.30 nick!

Just got home, skimmed the messages so sorry if this option has already been suggested.

What I think you need HD is a student. College hours are often 10-4 give or take (at least they were in my student days). Are you near any colleges / uni? May be worth posting an advert there to see if you can recruit someone for the year. They would essentially be a nanny, but would only be working the hours required to take/collect your DD from nursery, so keeps cost low. Student has some income that fits around college hours, you get childcare - win, win situation. Finding the ideal candidate is another matter of course.

I used to work in IT support, got out of that quite some time ago now. Doubt I could ever return to that, now that I work in childcare.

HD I know 2 couples who had a similar problem to yours. 1 couple solved it by doing staggered work hours (1 did early start, 1 did late start) and the other couple paid a nurse from their DS's nursery to take him home with her, although it wasn't every day.

There are quite a few nanny share websites out there. Also I think there's a topic somewhere on MN for parents offering/seeking nanny shares.

Hope you find a solution...

I think your options are this:

Reduce nursery hours as has laready been suggested so cm could fit in drop off/pick ups

Maybe send dd to cm 3 whole days and nursery 2 days then cm might be happy to pick up on other days

Chuck in the London job and work locally - which you say isnt an option

Advertiswe for nannyshare or a mothers help or part time nanny

But you have to decide together what is most important at the moment for you we can all give our opinions but as we dont know you we just advise on info given, which can be inaccurate. Whatever you decide you will always find it hard, childcare and work isnt an easy combo, but its not forever and sometimes small sacrifices now give big benefits in the future. Best of luck with it hope you figure something out for everyones sake as you and your dw are obviously unhppy at the mo. Sorry this is so long

We can't give you the answers, only you can do that and you really know your options now. Maybe it's not ideal for you but lots of people do it, it's just the way it goes when you have children. Sacrifices have to be made whether you like them or not.

What's the most important thing for you both? Work back from there.

I think you should get off here and talk to DW! You need to sort this together rather than with a bunch of ol' bags on the net!

No good getting angry on here; use that energy to come up with some ideas/a decision.

good luck.

happy daddy as a childminder i would find these hours difficult unless you could alter them slightly
eg: child arrives 7.30
drop off @ nursery 9.15 (after school/pre runs)
pick up from nursery 3.30-4(after school runs)
child picked up 7pm
that would suit most child minders better because they also feed their mindees and have to consider all the different drop off/pick up times.
So don't give up try again the nursery wont mind what time they arrive or get collected.

Well, it depends on your priorities. Mine was being with my child. the rest could go hang. House; we'll get a bigger one when ds is older, if we're lucky. Career...well, I'm working hard to pick that up and the pre-school years are such a tiny part of my over-all working life.

i think it's time to count your blessings. For some of us, well it IS too much to ask that we're blessed with a stunning, fantastic child AND get where we want to be on the career ladder and get to give up jobs we hate. DH and I are brassic and overdrawn and DH doesn't have the option to re-train because we rely on him to bring in the dosh and I don't get to give up my job which makes me shake with rage and upset some days. But we've got our ds, and in just a very, very few short years he'll be more independent and we;ll be able to do some of that other stuff.

maybe it doesn't HAVE to be back to the rough area? Think laterally? A two bed flat in a nicer area could be a possibility?

Or move away from that area more completely, look for jobs in surrey, hampshire, dorset; we're in Hampshire and a small two bed house in our small town (by the sea) can be got for about £165k.

i just hate to think that jobs and money are dictating your life rather than the other way around. There HAS to be a way for you to take charge; it just depends what you are willing to change.

I do agree with jodie - if that is really important to your DW; you say she feels she's not had the chance to be the mum she wanted to be....childhood is very short and your dw won't get this opportunity again.

i can heartily recommend downsizing. We did it so that I could stay at home with ds when he was pre-school age; well, all but two days a week which was as good as we could get.

We moved area, we downsized to a small two bed terrace; best decision we ever made.

Seriously worth considering.

If neither of you wants to change jobs then maybe downsize so she can afford to stay at home as she wants to. If it means that much to her then it's an option.

goodness me
how very arguementative(sp) HAPPYDADDY is i think he should change his nickname

I would speak to nursery. One of the nursery nurses may well do it for the extra cash and get a childminder for the morning. Most nursery nurses do babysitting. Is the nursery close to your house. You might get them to take your dd home Alternatively, look at another nursery with better hours.

ds nursery hours were 6.50am to 7pm. he wasn't there all that time but it worked with my shifts. That nursery isn't a million miles from Rochester either!

Is there a university near you? Students have changed since my day- far more focussed and serious now ime. I employ students to work with ds1 and have found them to be very reliable and mature.