HELP! Negative childminder.

I’m a childminder and know very well that at 10 months the child will quickly identify me as their safety and be very clingy for a while.

This is part of a very normal process and it would ease very much over the coming weeks, I’ve been through it so many times where I will virtually be sat with baby on my lap the whole day. It’s to be expected.

This CM doesn’t seem experienced and is doing nothing to reassure you, also making you feel bad for something out of your control whilst also making you worry for your baby with her complaining tone.

Yes she should let you know exactly what’s going on but reassure you too that it’s perfectly normal.

Just out of interest, what area do you live?

Babies do not learn to fuss less by being left to cry. They learn that they need to fuss more to get attention or worse they learn that nobody will meet their needs however hard they try. This in turn if severe enough has been shown to literally alter the way a baby's brain develops and leave them more open to emotional, behavioural and psychiatric issues in future. If this was my child I would remove them from this CM and tell them to learn about attachment and then justify why she's asking you to abandon your baby in order to make her life easier. Your baby's job at 10MO is to NEED their cargiver and to relish in having their undivided attention. Once they've recieved this only then will they learn to play and negotiate the world in a healthy and independent way. You're absolutely right to not be happy about this CM's attitude and it's probably a good thing your child will need to find another carer TBH. Please don't stop giving your baby cuddles etc. YOU CAN'T SPOIL A CHILD WITH LOVE xx

She sounds like a shit child minder! Hope you find someone more willing to try and bond with your baby x

@wakemewhenitsallover.
What your saying matches all the research well said. Children become self confident from a warm stable bond ....the key worker system was a attempt by legislation to get this bond but in many nurseries it's not worked and just become a who does the paperwork split rather than the person who takes your child in, cares for them most of the day, comforts when feeling sad and hands over at home time.

Impacting her health 🙄

Thi sounds like she did you a favour. She isn’t the right cm for you and your child

I'm sorry you've had this experience with a CM but please don't let her lack of experience/ professionalism put you off CMs in general.

I don't understand posters above saying that nursery is better for DC with separation anxiety. DC who are feeling insecure need more love not less. A child bonding with a CM isn't going to make them clingy, it'll make them feel safe!

I've used both CMs and a brilliant nursery. My personal opinion is that a CM's home environment with a consistent adult present instead of a team of adults and so many other DC is more appropriate for babies and very young children. But obviously it depends on what's available to you locally.

Get bubba out of that situation ASAP and into nursery.
Just read she quit. Good. Sounds like the right decision all round.

I left my clingy 10 month old with a CM who waa absolutely lovely and worked to get her settled. She used to send me updates about how she was doing that were really positive.

This CM is totally unprofessional. Asking you not to comfort your own child - WTF.

It's a good thing she's given you notice as then there's no conversation to be had about you breaking any contract as she's done it so that's one less thing to worry about.

Sadly in the past I have given notice to a family who’s little one cried none stop from 8 am - 6 pm 5 days a week , 5 months later no better, I was stressed, could not eat and so had lost half stone in weight, dreaded each week my own kids took to hiding upstairs for the day. But final straw for me was dads attitude, I tried speaking to him to see if we could work together to help little one settle, to have him square up to me, poke me in the chest and be informed we pay you to look after him, now put up , and shut. I was left shaking and very scared, He was hand notice when he collected the at night.

As others have said 10 months is the hardest age to start childcare.

They are clingy.

Every time I get an under one I remember how intensive it is . That is why cm’s can only have one( Excluding twins)

Babies are hard work, especially when they first start. Personally I pop them in a sling so they are cuddled and I can play with other children. Sometimes they also have to go on my back so I can do nappies, toileting etc.

Children need to build a secure bond with their carers,byes it's hard and it's exhausting but it's up to me to ensure the relationship thrives (with my babies!) Yes it's tough but I always praise how well the children are doing, even when they've screamed all day.

Look for another childminder, this one isn't a good fit for your family.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers.
Babys go through the clingy attachment stage for a reason and it's important for their development to support a good attachment with their carers it's not about the carer taking parents place in baby affections....that never happens. An attempt for nurseries to support attachment is the key worker but many can not do this becouse of staffing issues and use it more for admin and paperwork. A good nursery will get the key worker to do the bonding just as a childminder would but as they tend to have aged rooms it can be harder if they have 3 babies each going through the same stage you cant cuddle and play with 3 as easily as use a sling and play with 2 toddlers.

I've had clingy babies obviously there are times you have to let them cry....seeing to another child for example, but you do it sensitively and reassuringly. Thoese babies are now 12 and 8 and the most confident children.
I would find another cm...they need s close bond to build their self esteem and confidence not to be handed around many different people....be Frank with ehobyou look at and do more settling at babies pace if possible....I do an hour then if it goes well 2 to 3 hours over a feed and or sleep then longer how many and how long depending on baby. Something that smells of mummy often helps.

I’d be looking for someone else. My childminder would have days like that with my DD but she didn’t put it across negatively or make me feel it was a problem.

She sounds awful my first childminder with my eldest son was absolutely wonderful, nurturing and kind and my son settled really well (son is 18 now) still friends with her now. He was an only child at the time and went full time with her kids youngest was 2 others were at school, then another small child he had to learn to be part of a group of kids and she took him out and cooked amazing meals. Look about for someone else, it could be he needs longer to settle but she doesn’t sound very caring or patient.

She’s not doing a very good job of concealing how much she dislikes caring for him, is she?

Jeez. Of course it’s stressful when a baby cries all the time and you have to carry them everywhere when you have other/better things to do, but to actually suggest you neglect him at home so he’ll learn to be less demanding is ludicrous! He’s a baby and he’s struggling to settle, like most babies would. You definitely need to find someone better.

That doesn't seem on to make you feel awkward about his fairly natural behaviour under the circumstances. I think you need to find someone more sympathetic/better attuned to little ones.

Seek an alternative.

Now - in her defence - “leaving him to cry” may have to be the way it is if she’s being demanded by other children BUT whilst honesty is good it sounds like she’s telling you without telling you IYSWIM he’s too much for her.

That’s on her for not realising that 9/10mo is peak seperation anxiety age.

IMVHO he’d probably fare better in nursery.

And for you. You can’t win when it comes to going back to work with a baby: put them in at 6 months and you get folk raising their eyebrows and judging.
Put them in at the “normal” 9-14 month window and their separation anxiety peaks around then, it’s shit.

IME, it’s a phase that’s over pretty quickly but upsetting in the short time it’s taking place.

Good luck OP

One of the many reasons I prefer a nursery to a childminder, I really didnt want my child to become clingy to one child-carer. I would rather a school type of environment with lots of children. At the least Id look at a more empathetic childminder, if you dont feel comfortable with her demeanour then move on

I had the worlds clingiest DS who went to nursery at 9 months. Cried at drop off for a long time and every day they just wrote in his activities for the day 'lots of cuddles'. As he got more independent they let me know when things were improving. It took a lot longer than most kids but he ended up loving nursery and it was definitely the right thing him going there.

That’s crap childcare tbh. Dd was super clingy and unsettled for the first 3-4 weeks of nursery, but her key worker cuddled her and reassured her as much as she needed. And they certainly never complained about it!

Have you got other childcare options in the area?

When I worked in nursery it would sometimes take two to three weeks for them to settle and even then occasionally some would cry for a short while on being left . I understand that the childminder can't carry him all day , but to suggest you don't pick him up is bizarre . I would be looking for a different carer and explain the situation

That's fairly normal behaviour for a baby that age I have a ten month old and she is currently like that and so were my other children . I'd be looking for alternative childcare if I were you. She sounds very unprofessional.